Aftermath
by greenmangoes
Summary: Steve & Kono in the aftermath of their kidnapping by WoFat
1. Fallen

**Title: Aftermath**

**Pairing: **Kono & Steve

**Rating: **T for now but will most likely be bumped to M in the next chapter

**Summary: **Steve and Kono deal with the aftermath of their kidnapping by Wo Fat.

* * *

_We believe that we can change ourselves_  
_The past can be undone_  
_But we carry on our back the burdens time always reveals_  
_In the lonely light of morning_  
_In the wound that would not heal_  
_It's the bitter taste of losing everything_  
_I've held so dear_

_- Fallen, Sarah McLachlan_

* * *

It's been three weeks.

Twenty-one days since they'd been rescued from the hellhole where Wo Fat had taken them.

Five hundred and four hours since Danny and Chin (and a number of Hawaii's Finest) had come barging through the metal door that stood between them and freedom.

Thirty thousand, two hundred and forty minutes since they'd emerged from the darkness that had surrounded them for that one week they were kidnapped.

One million, eight hundred fourteen thousand, four hundred seconds since he'd last slept without waking up in cold sweat, hands tingling in memory of the feel of hot skin under his fingertips, nose twitching in remembrance of the smell of sweat and fear and the musk of…

He forcefully shut down that train of thought, knowing that to allow them back in would break the already fragile hold he had of his sanity. The same way he knew that she'd been burying the memories of those seven days as far back into the recesses of her mind as possible without having an actual lobotomy.

* * *

"_Did they do a ra…"_

"_No." she answered in anticipation of his question._

"_But…"_

"_I told them there was no reason to do so…"_

"_Kono…"_

"_Just drop it…Boss."_

_He flinched at her deliberate use of the moniker. "I'm …"_

"_I swear if you say sorry one more time…" her voice broke at the last word._

"_We need to talk about it…"_

"_No, we don't."_

"_But…"_

"_It's not your fault!"_

"_Wo Fat wouldn't have taken you if…"_

"_It's not your fault!" she repeated, more forcefully this time._

"_Kono…"_

"_Please! Just…please….accept the absolution I am offering and let it go…"_

"_I can't!" _

"_You have to!"_

"_So, what? We're just going to pretend that it never happened?"_

"_Yes!" she insisted._

"_You know I can't do that…"_

"_You need to if you want the team to survive…"_

"_Kono…" he tried again. _

"_If you can't do it, then I'll leave the team…" _

_The silence told her that her threat had been effective. He would drop it…if only to keep her on the team._

* * *

And so he tries to forget. He tries to get back to normal even though every single day is a struggle. He keeps waiting for her to break down so he could do it too, but she never does. And so he pretends that he is okay as well. That he doesn't still wake up in the middle of the night gasping in memory of what happened. He'd been in shitty situations during his stint as a Navy SEAL – including that other time that Wo Fat had held him in North Korea – but he'd always been able to bounce back and with less effort. But he can't seem to shake this. Maybe it is the proverbial straw that finally broke the camel's back…he really doesn't know.

The governor makes them go to counseling and he has no choice but to go through the motions. He makes sure she does it too. He doesn't know what she tells the shrink, but if it's anything like what he says, it isn't much. Still he makes the effort and prays every day for peace of mind that he knows probably would never come until they really deal with the whole issue. He takes her advice and calls on Catherine but finds no comfort in her presence at all. And even though she is there, trying to help, he still wakes up most nights gasping out someone else's name and it kills him each time Catherine looks at him in understanding despite the question he sees in her eyes. It is a relief when Catherine's furlough ends and he's left alone once again with his thoughts and the ever present need to go and check up on her every night. Just to make sure she is still safe, even though he sees her at HQ every day.

He's never worked harder than he has at compartmentalizing but he knows it's the only way he can go on.

But just when he thinks they really might be on the way to being normal again, she goes and throws him off his game again.

She resigns.

She fucking resigns.

And it's all he can do not to shake her and shout at her for an explanation. Because she's deluded if she actually thinks he'll be okay with this. But she takes off with Chin, and avoids him.

He is at her door the minute Chin's car leaves her drive.

"What the fuck is this?" he shouts as he waves her resignation letter and pushes his way inside her apartment.

She doesn't react as she follows him and sits on the sofa. "I'm resigning."

"Why?" He asks. The question laden with all that hasn't been said between them since they'd been back.

He sees her struggle for something to say before she schools her features into something close to indifference. "I can't do this anymore…"

Her answer takes the wind off his sails and he finds himself sitting down because his knees have gone weak. "You mean police work?" He asks, even though he knows she means something else. It is then that he finally sees her break down and it takes all he has not to go to her and take her in his arms because he knows he's the last person she probably needs comfort from. "You mean me then…" he says woodenly. "You can't work with me anymore…"

He gets his confirmation when she just cries harder and he wills himself to stand up and leave, because not contaminating her with his presence is the least he can do. But his limbs are frozen, just like his insides are. "I thought you said it wasn't my fault?" He knows it's unfair to ask but he can't help it.

"It isn't…" She manages to answer.

"Then why…" And he hates it that the question comes out weakly.

"I thought I could..." she stops as though unsure of how to continue.

"You must hate me then…" He is unprepared for the pain that comes with this realization.

"No!" Her violent objection makes him look at her. "No…Steve I don't hate you…"

"Then why?"

"I need to forget and I can't do it here…" She answers helplessly.

And he gets it. He really does. But he needs her here. For his own sanity, he needs her here.

"Kono…"

"Please Steve…if…if you really want to help me forget, you need to let me go."

"Where?"

"I…Does it matter?"

"What the fuck, Kono? Of course it matters. Wo Fat…" He sees her flinch at his nemesis' name and all the rage he feels for the bastard almost overwhelms him. "I'm so sorry…" he apologizes again, knowing that it's not enough.

"I swear to God, if you apologize one more time I'm gonna deck you!"

He almost wishes she does so. Maybe then he'll feel less guilty for dragging her into this whole mess. He tries to joke about it, "That's the Kono I know and lo…" but stops when he realizes what he's about to say.

"I just need time away from all this, Steve."

He is both glad and dismayed that she ignores what he says. "I'm not accepting your resignation…but I will give you a leave of absence…"

She sighs tiredly. "Okay."

He reaches out to take her hands in his but stops when he sees her try not to flinch. He swallows the lump in his throat and tells her, "Hit me."

"What?"

"If you need to take it out on someone, use me." He wills her to do so.

"Steve…"

"Please. Just hit me." He begs.

"Steve…" She says his name again.

"Hurt me if it'll make you feel better." He chokes on the words. "Just don't hate me…"

"I don't hate you." Her words come out harshly and he flinches.

"You can't even bring yourself to touch me…how can you say you don't hate me when you can't even…"

He is unable to continue because she's wrapped her arms around him and fuck it if he doesn't feel like crying because he's so relieved that even though she probably hates his guts, it's not enough to stop her from touching him. And then he is wrapping his arms around her, half afraid she'll push him, but instead she clings to him as though he's the anchor that stops her from floating away.

"I'm so sorry…" he repeats the words over and over as he too clings to her.

"It's not your fault…." She keeps reassuring him through her tears.

"Don't leave…" He breaks and begs her again.

She doesn't answer but tightens her hold on him.

It's the first time he really feels hopeful that they might actually be okay.

* * *

She leaves anyway.

He almost books a flight to see her several times. But they have cases and with one team member gone, he can't afford to leave. The governor is all up his ass trying to get her replaced but he cashes in whatever clout he's got left with the big guy to buy her more time. Every day he asks Chin for word. But every day he gets the same answer. He tries to feel grateful for the fact that they at least know where she is. And that she regularly checks in with her cousin so he knows she's okay.

When they finally get a break, he is all set to go see her. But Catherine comes and he feels guilty for neglecting her and so he stays, even if he has to pretend he's not really thinking about _her_, or worrying about _her. _ So he asks Danny to visit her instead, to make sure she's alright. If his partner looks at him strangely at this request, he ignores it. He is grateful that for once, Danny doesn't ask even though he knows he has questions. He considers telling Danny about what Wo Fat has put Kono and him through, because the guilt is eating him up alive. But he has to think about her too and he knows she doesn't want either of their partners to know. So he keeps it all in and vows to continue to keep it in, even if it kills him.

He is at Danny's doorstep the minute he hears he's back. He knows immediately that something is wrong when he sees his partner's expression. He braces himself for bad news, but Danny is uncharacteristically reticent in sharing information.

"How is she?" He asks.

"She's…." Danny looks like he's considering what to say. Or maybe, how much to say.

"What's wrong?"

"What makes you think something's wrong?"

"Why are you deflecting?"

Danny sighs loudly. "She's fine…more or less e…"

"What do you mean, more or less?"

"She's not coming back."

"What?" He can't have heard right.

"She's not coming back…"

The words make his knees weak and he slumps where he stands. "Did she…" his voice breaks. "Did she say why?"

"She's…" But the blonde detective stops and just shrugs.

"What the fuck Danny?"

Danny looks at him intently and asks with an intensity that freezes the blood in his veins, "What really happened to the two of you when you were kidnapped?"

* * *

**AN: **Okay, I have no business posting this when I still have 3 fics that need finishing (and am up to my ears in coding) but this has been sitting in my laptop for ages. The idea for this has been in my head since before I wrote '_Third Time's the Charm_' and I have hesitated posting and/or continuing this cause it's a lot darker and more angsty than what I normally write and I thought that if I just concentrate on '_Once Upon a Kiss_' that I'd forget about this…so yeah, that was obviously a failure. Anyway, am posting this so I'm forced to actually finish it and take it to wherever it may lead.


	2. Big girls don't cry

**Chapter 2: Big girls don't cry**

**Rating**: Still a T but will definitely be M next chapter

**Disclaimer:** Any character you recognize I do not own.

**AN:** Thanks for all the reviews and your interest in this story – truthfully, I am still unsure if I want to take this towards the route that I had originally planned – we'll see. Like I said sometimes things just write themselves out without any forethought or planning on my part and I too am surprised at how they turn out so please bear with me *hugs to all* Anyway, this one wrote itself during my break so here it is.

Oh, and update to 'Once Upon a Kiss' will be up before the weekend – chapter's halfway done but am too sleepy right now to finish.

* * *

_I hope you know, I hope you know_  
_That this has nothing to do with you_  
_It's personal, myself and I_  
_We've got some straightenin' out to do_  
_And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket_  
_But I've got to get a move on with my life_  
_It's time to be a big girl now_  
_And big girls don't cry_

_- Big girls don't cry, Fergie_

* * *

She wakes up gasping and it takes her several moments before the light of the bedside lamp and the feel of cotton sheets against her skin sink in to her consciousness. She shivers as the cold air hits her sweat covered body and she starts to hate.

She hates that the first thing she reaches for is the Kel-Tec under her pillow. She hates that the feel of the gun in her hand comforts her in a way that it hasn't before. And she hates that she now can't sleep without having the bedside light on or that she feels claustrophobic if the window or the bedroom door is closed. She hates that the first thing she checked when she looked for a place to stay was whether the bedroom window had bars and how many locks the door had. She hates that she now has to almost bundle up when she goes to bed and that she has to forcibly stop herself from wearing shoes when she sleeps just in case. And most of all, she hates the quivering mess that she's been reduced to ever since…

She mentally slams the door to the memories as they crowd into her consciousness but they're too powerful and she can only whimper as they overcome her…

* * *

_She woke up in bed feeling disoriented. She shivered as the cold air hit her skin and she realized that she was naked. She tried to reach out for her blanket but her arms and legs felt leaden. She opened her eyes to get her bearing but it's too dark and it takes several minutes for her eyes to adjust to the darkness. Why was it so dark? She stifled the panic she felt when it dawned on her that she wasn't in her bedroom but in some strange room with nothing in it but the mattress she was lying on. She noted the lack of windows and realized that only source of light came from the slits where the door didn't completely meet the walls and the floor. She swallowed the bile that rose to the back of her throat as the reality of her situation hit her._

_She mustered all her energy as her training kicked in and she made her heavy limbs move. She fought the nausea that overcame her when she finally managed to make herself sit up. Slowly, she turned her head to get a better look around the room in case there was something her abductors have left behind that she could possibly use as a weapon. But there was nothing - not even a bed sheet with which to cover herself. Her nausea made it impossible to move further so she lay back down and curled up as she closed her eyes to conserve her strength._

_She must have passed out because the next time she opened her eyes her stomach was rumbling in hunger and her throat was parched. There was no sound in the room aside from her breathing and she couldn't hear any activity behind the door. She had no idea how much time had passed since she'd been taken and the almost total darkness and silence made the time seem to go slower. She curled up and waited, for what she didn't know, but there was nothing to do and she felt her eyes grow heavy once again._

_The next time she opened her eyes she was no longer alone. She sat up quickly and fought the nausea that the sudden movement caused. _

"_Ah…so the princess awakes…" a silky voiced drawled from across the room._

_She tried to see who it was but he was standing against the open door and his face was in shadows. She drew her legs up and wrapped her arms around her to best cover her body from his gaze and didn't say anything. She just waited as she frantically calculated her chances of escaping successfully if she can somehow overpower her abductor. She fought the fear that threatened to overwhelm her when two more men came into the room and she realized how the odds have just stacked exponentially against her. _

"_Aren't you going to ask where you are?" the same man asked her._

_She remained mute and unmoving, unwilling to let them hear the fear in her voice or see her inner trembling. She could feel goose bumps rise on her skin as cold air rushed into the room from the open doorway. She tried to see what was behind the door but they were blocking her view. _

"_Maybe this will help loosen your tongue then…" There was a hint of laughter in his voice when two more men came into the room supporting what seemed to be an unconscious man between them._

_She gasped when they raised the man's face and shone a light across it. He'd been badly beaten but she'd recognize that face no matter how puffed up or bloodied it was. And there was a lot of blood, some of which had already started to crust along his temples, cheeks and lips. Bile rose to her throat once again but she refused to give them the satisfaction of seeing her flinch and schooled her features to show indifference instead as she forcibly made her body relax. _

"_Still nothing? You are a tough one…" the words were drawn out. "Never mind, I'll see you break yet…" _

_The threat made her shiver and she tensed unconsciously as he slowly walked towards her. But just when she was ready to launch herself against him, he stopped. And before she could react further, he was turning around and walking to the door. The rest of the men followed him, but not before throwing the unconscious man's body across the room and then the door was closed audibly. She waited for the lock to engage on the other side before she quickly ran towards the room's other occupant._

_She frantically felt for a pulse expecting the worst, her heart in her throat. The sheer relief at feeling it throb would have brought her to her knees if she wasn't already kneeling on the floor. And it was then that the full horror of their situation settled over her and she felt her limbs start to shake uncontrollably. She tried to stop herself from trembling but the shock had caught up with her and before she could second guess herself, she was already wrapping her arms around him in an effort to burrow into his warmth, unmindful of her nakedness or the filthy state of the floor. She willed him to wake up but he remained unconscious and she finally felt herself break and the tears she'd long held back started to fall and then she began sobbing in earnest._

* * *

The shrill ring of the phone brings her back to the present and her hands touch her face unconsciously, almost expecting wetness to line her cheeks. But they're dry. She looks at the phone and waits for it to stop ringing. She is relieved when it does stop but it is short lived because it starts ringing again. She considers unplugging it for a moment but it could be Chin and she doesn't want to worry her cousin lest he too takes it upon himself to come after her. Like Danny has done.

"Kalakaua." Her voice comes out raspy when she finally answers.

The silence on the other end should have unnerved her, but it doesn't. She closes her eyes because she knows who it is and she thinks about hanging up…

"Steve?" She finally asks because the need to hear his voice overcomes her desire to be left alone. She regrets it as soon as his name escape her lips and she wills him not to answer because she's feeling too raw at the moment and she doesn't know if she can hold it all in.

"I'm sorry…"

His first words make her flinch and she wants to snap back at him to stop, but he gives her no respite.

"Please…you have to…I can't…."

His broken admission shatters what's left of her control and she has to bite her lips to stop any sound from escaping. She tells herself to hang up but she can't make her limbs obey.

"I'm… going crazy…please…you…come back… forgive me…"

She'd thought that she'd already cried out all that she could by the time she left the island but the guilt and heartache and remorse she hears in the way his words come out all disjointed suddenly overwhelms her and she finds herself crying without a sound.

She wants to tell him she understands.

She wants to say she does forgive him because she does…she really does…

And she knows that he needs to hear the words from her because he's carrying the burden of their incarceration and all that has happened to the both of them on his shoulders…

And she knows they should talk about it because they're both crumbling from all that hasn't been said between them…

And she knows that the harder they try to keep it all in the harder it gets to move on and let go…

And she knows this…in her mind she knows this…

But she can't speak…

And she can't breathe from the pain…

And she can't stand to hear the agony in his voice…

But she can't hang up either...

So she just sits there and listens…

And silently weeps…


	3. Here with me

**Chapter 3: Here with me**

**Rating: **still a T

**Disclaimer**: Any character you recognize I do not own.

**AN: **This is short I know and still vague about what really happened but I had to set it all up for their 'talk' away from H50. What I can say though is that someone or several someones (pardon the grammar) is/are partially right about his/her/their speculation =) I promise you'll know more in the next update … Thanks again for reading (and reviewing), I really appreciate it. Unbeta'ed so all mistakes are mine.

* * *

…_but I can't hide  
I won't go I won't sleep  
I can't breathe until you're resting here with me  
I won't leave I can't hide  
I cannot be until you're resting here with me_

_Here with me, Dido_

* * *

It takes him another week to finally give in to the almost overwhelmingly constant urge to go see her. His last phone call to her leaves him feeling even more hollowed out than before and he's almost running on empty. So he books a flight in secret and tells the governor he's taking some time off. He's a little surprised at the lack of resistance to his request but he is relieved that he doesn't have to explain or make excuses.

He talks to Danny and Chin right after and tells them he's sorry for leaving them severely short-handed but that it is something he needs to do. Danny gives him a look he can't decipher but thankfully keeps silent. Chin, on the other hand, is more vocal with his thoughts.

"Where are you going?" The older man asks.

He thinks about lying but decides to come clean instead. "Kono," is all he says.

"Brah, she doesn't want to see you right now…" Chin tells him, his voice gentle but resolute.

He wants to avoid the older man's gaze for reasons that are far too complicated and too painful to go into but he forces himself to look at him, hoping he understands even if he can't explain.

"Steve…"

He hears the conflict in Chin's voice and he sees the helplessness in his eyes. And he gets it. He gets why Chin wants him to stop trying to bring her back. He's her cousin and he wants the best for her. And at the moment, what's best for her is to be as far away from here as possible…as far away from _**him**_ as possible. In his head he knows this. The rational part of him knows this…understands this. But he can't stay away. And he can't stop trying.

He tenses as the older man struggles not to ask him what really happened when Wo Fat took them and he almost wishes he would. That they would both fucking stop trying to give him space and just force him to talk. That they would…beat the truth out of him…just so he can get it all out because keeping it all in is slowly killing him.

But Chin backs down.

Just as Danny had that day…

* * *

_Danny looked at him intently and asked with an intensity that froze the blood in his veins, "What really happened to the two of you when you were kidnapped?" _

_It was a question that both his partner and Chin have somehow so far avoided asking and he was unprepared for how much it shook him. There was a roaring in his ears and he started trembling because the urge to give in and come clean about the whole thing was so strong he almost couldn't breathe. _

"_Steve…talk to me…what really happened?"_

_The urgency in his partner's voice finally broke through and it took all he had to maintain control of his emotions and answer with a question of his own. "Did she…" He swallowed the lump in his throat and continued. "Did she ask about me?" _

"_Did she ask about… Unbelievable!" Danny's voice rose as he flailed is arms around. "What the fuck, Steven?" He could see the frustration on Danny's face at his attempt to deflect. _

_But he steeled his resolve. He told himself that he needed to keep his promise to Kono more than he needed the relief that talking about it to Danny would give him. So he met the other man's gaze without flinching and adopted what his partner called his aneurysm look._

_They stared at each other for what seemed like minutes and he didn't blink. His gaze as blank and expressionless as his Navy SEAL training can make it._

_It was Danny who looked away first with a muttered oath. "Damn it! Why won't you two talk?" _

_But he remained mute. _

_After all, it wasn't Danny he needed absolution from anyway._

* * *

He thinks he's too wired to sleep during the five hour flight but too many sleepless nights and stress from running cases while worrying about her take their toll. Sheer exhaustion claims him and he finds himself drifting off…

* * *

_The acrid smell of ammonia brought him back to consciousness. He felt a momentary disorientation before he came to the realization that he was in fact tied to a chair. His training kicked in and he mentally assessed the condition he was in. Both his arms and legs were tied to the chair. Nothing was broken but he's probably heavily bruised all over judging by the pain he felt. The fact that he couldn't open his left eye properly indicated it was swollen. Dried blood all over his face meant some part of his face was busted, most likely somewhere by his right temple and the skin over his cheekbones. He felt inside his mouth and sighed in relief when he realized he still had all his teeth but the taste of blood meant he had cut himself somehow. He swallowed and took a deep breath as he fought the nausea that came with moving his head up as he tried to see through the darkness that surrounded him. _

_When his eyes finally adjusted to the dark, he noted the lack of windows and furniture in the room, save for the chair he was strapped on. His efforts to bring some circulation back to his arms and legs brought more pain but he subjugated his discomfort in favor of trying to recall the events that led up to this. He remembered coming up to see her about…something…his memory was hazy. They had just finished a case and he…but he was coming up blank…which meant he'd been drugged before he was taken. Maybe he'd resisted and that's why he was beaten. He was so consumed trying to figure out how he ended up where he was that he didn't immediately notice that someone had come into the room._

"_Ah McGarrett, you're awake..."_

_He froze as he recognized the voice. "Wo Fat."_

"_How are you enjoying your accommodations?" The question almost sounded lyrical._

"_Could be better…" He answered sarcastically. _

_The other man smiled. "Oh I promise you…it would be…"_

_He tensed at this. "What the hell does that mean?" _

"_What do you think it means?" _

_He wanted to kick the bastard's face in so badly but he forced his tense muscles to relax and not give the other man the satisfaction of seeing him blow up. "You do know that as soon as I get out of this you're a dead man." _

"_We'll see…" came the cryptic reply just as two men came into the room. _

"_Oh you can count on that."_

_But Wo Fat just laughed before he felt the prick of a needle pierce through his skin._

_And then the world went black again._

_When he came to, he was lying on the floor with a female body draped all over him…a distinctly naked female body. "What the…" he thinks just as she sat up._

"_You're awake!" Even though he couldn't see her face properly, the relief in her voice was palpable._

_It took him a moment to realize who she was but before he could say anything the door opened and five men entered the room._

* * *

He comes to just as the plane is touching down. He quickly shakes off the effects of the dream…memory…and makes his way off of the airplane and out of the airport.

* * *

Back at H50 HQ, a package is left at Danny Williams' desk.

It is small with a nondescript wrapping.

It had no postmark to indicate where it comes from.

But it is addressed to Chin Ho Kelly.


	4. Torn

**Chapter 4: Torn**

**Rating:** bumped this to M just in case for theme

**Disclaimer: **All characters you recognize I do not own.

**AN: **Ok more details about what happened. Again, thanks for reading and the feedback. Also, update for "Once Upon a Kiss" is halfway done but coding awaits me so in a day or two maybe (hopefully). *hugs to all* Unbeta'ed so all mistakes are mine.

* * *

_I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn_

_I'm all out of faith this is how I feel_

_I'm cold and I'm ashamed bound and broken on the floor_

_You're a little late, I'm already torn_

_- Torn, Natalie Imbruglia_

* * *

"_So McGarrett, having fun yet?" Wo Fat's silky voice taunted him._

"_Go to hell!" He said the words matter-of-factly, still maintaining a steel hold on his control._

_The other man laughed. "Not before you Steve…not before you…"_

_He so badly wanted to ask what they'd done to Kono but fought urge knowing to do so would only make things harder for her. They had taken her as soon as he'd woken up lying on the floor. If he closed his eyes he could still see the terror she'd been trying to fight in her eyes. She had been naked and he had no idea what they had already done to her or what they're doing to her at that moment. He'd fought when they started to drag her away but the drugs in his system slowed down his reflexes and so despite his efforts (and hers) they had managed to take her. He must have passed out because the next thing he knew he was once again tied to a chair. _

_And then the door opened and she was brought in. She was unconscious. He made himself look at her face and body clinically as they proceeded to tie her to the chair opposite him so he can see what they'd done to her but she was unmarked save for the bruising on her face. He swore to himself that he would find out which of the men had hit her and personally make him pay. And if any one of them had... he couldn't continue the thought… because rage became an almost all consuming, living and breathing thing inside him. He fought for control but must not have succeeded because Wo Fat stepped in front of him to block his view._

"_Tsk, tsk…your mask is slipping McGarrett."_

_He made himself meet the other man's gaze without flinching. "I don't know what you're talking about."_

"_Oh I'm sure you do…Just as I'm sure that you're wondering if any of my men had taken a turn…" he paused for effect. "Or maybe __**turns **__at her…"_

_The suggestion almost made him gag and it took all he had not to react._

_Wo Fat laughed. "But let it not be said that I am cruel man…"_

_He tried not to blink or make any movement to indicate how the words were affecting him._

"_They haven't…" _

_The words made him sag. For all he knew the bastard could be lying but he clung to the reassurance like a drowning man does to a preserver because to do otherwise might just break him. _

"…_**yet**__." The threat hung in the air between them._

"_Touch her like that and I'll make you wish you'd never been born." The words came out of his mouth before he could stop it._

"_That's the spirit!" The other man cheered. "I knew you still had it there somewhere…"_

_He was clenching his jaw so tightly he was afraid he'd break his teeth._

"_Don't worry…she won't be … __**touched **__by me or my men… if you cooperate."_

"_What do you want?" He asked. Willing to give him anything if it could save her. _

"_What do I want?" Wo Fat laughed. "What do I want? Ah McGarrett, you make me laugh…"_

"_What. Do. You. Want?" _

_The silence lengthened between them as they stared at each other. _

"_Why…I want you to suffer…" The amusement was gone from his voice. "And I promise you Commander…you will suffer…"_

* * *

"We're here." The cabdriver's voice jars him into consciousness.

He'd been grateful the drive from the airport wasn't too long because any longer and he would have been deeper into the nightmare…memories. But now, standing in front of her door, he wishes the ride had been longer because he's dreading her reaction to his coming. And he's afraid that she would turn him away. Because he's at the end of his rope and if she does…if she does turn him away, he knows he won't make it.

* * *

She's not surprised when she sees him standing on her front door. Truthfully, she knows it's just a matter of time and so she doesn't even ask and just moves to let him in. The overnight bag he's carrying tells her that he intends to stay and she considers arguing but then she sees that he looks as tired as she feels and the bags under his eyes match hers. If she's honest with herself, his presence makes her feel safer and so she just gets some spare sheets and a pillow and places them on the sofa. She's grateful that he doesn't say anything and just nods at her in acknowledgment because she knows that to speak now would mean they would finally be talking about what had happened and she's not ready just yet. And judging by his own silence neither is he. So she just nods back and goes to her bedroom and lies on her bed. She thinks maybe he's not really surprised that she leaves the bedroom door open, just as she too is unsurprised that he leaves the lamp beside the sofa on.

* * *

It only takes a few minutes before they're both asleep.

* * *

It does not surprise her as well that she doesn't have a nightmare and wakes up only when the early morning light has already started to filter through her bedroom window. She peeks through the bedroom door and sees that he too is awake. She gets up and closes the door before heading to the bathroom to shower. When she finishes, she opens the door and tells him it's his turn. There's something comforting about the fact that those are the first words she says to him after more than a week of silence.

It's when they're both showered and dressed and sitting across each other in her living room that the tension between them returns. She looks at him - really, really looks at him - and she sees the heavy toll that the last two months have taken. He is thinner, gaunt almost, his cheeks hollowed out and his eyes…

Suddenly, she can't stand the distance between them. So she stands up and moves to sit next to him. She feels him tense and flinch as she reaches out to place her hand on top of his. But he remains still, as though afraid to move for fear that she'd change her mind.

"Steve." She whispers, willing him to look at her.

He doesn't turn. Instead he takes her hand between his and bows his head, breath almost rattling shallowly in his chest.

"Steve, look at me."

He still doesn't turn and it takes the sudden shaking of his shoulders for her to realize that he is trying not to cry. And then like a dam breaking, the words come tumbling out. "Have to…forgive me…I can't…" one after another, like spears piercing the armor she has tried so hard to wrap around herself…shattering her into pieces with each heaving breath she takes.

And just when she thinks there's nothing left in her to break, he moves to kneel in front of her, wraps his arms around her waist and burrows his head on her lap like a child. And when his tears start soaking up her jeans she finds that she too is crying and then the memories of their ordeal come back.

* * *

_They had forcibly taken her just as Steve had awoken and despite his efforts to fight them off, he'd been too weak and too groggy from the drugs she was sure he'd been given. And because they were hurting him really bad she had stopped fighting and just let them take her. She had been terrified for herself and what they could do to her but she'd been more terrified of them hurting him badly enough that it would take expert medical intervention to revive him…because she knew they wouldn't send for one. _

_The fact that she'd been herded, all naked and bound, like some animal should have scared her more, but she'd been too focused on Steve's condition to even worry about her own predicament. Except for the throbbing of her cheeks where she got hit when she had started fighting them, she wasn't hurt – not really – so she knew she could still fight if it came to that. As soon as they took her to another room, she had braced herself for an attack but it never came. Instead, they'd removed her bindings and left her alone. As in the other room, it was empty so there wasn't anything she can use as a weapon. The tears had long since dried up on her cheeks so she closed her eyes and took deep breaths to calm down and focused on conserving her strength. Pacing would only tire her so she made herself sit down on the floor despite her nakedness. Germs wouldn't kill her any faster than the bastards who took her, if they happened to be of that mind, so she sat there and planned instead._

_Unfortunately, the lack of activity made her realize how hungry and thirsty she was. She had no idea how long she'd been in this place and the lack of windows made it impossible to tell whether it's day or night outside. They seemed to have no plans of feeding them so she tried to meditate to get her mind off the growling of her stomach. She had never been good at meditating, despite Chin's best effort to teach her, and she cursed that now. _

_She was almost drifting off to sleep when the door opened. She considered making a run for it but she was too weak from hunger and too worried about Steve so she just sat there and waited for them to do what they came to do. And what they came to do was to bring her food and water. She almost expected to be fed using a trough like a pig but the water came in a disposable plastic cup and the sandwich, wrapped in a thin napkin. Both containers too soft to be used for anything other than what they were intended for. The smell of the sandwich made her stomach growl again but she didn't make a move to pick it up until they'd left the room again. She made herself eat slowly and took slow sips of the water to prevent cramping. It wouldn't do to be taken down because she'd shocked her stomach by eating too fast._

_It was when she started to get dizzy that she realized that the bastards had drugged her again. _

_When she came to, she was strapped to a chair and across from her, also strapped to a chair…_

"_Steve…" her voice came out hoarsely when she saw the sorry condition he was in._

* * *

**At the H50 HQ.**

"What is it?" Danny asks.

"It's a CD. Let's see what's in it." Chin answers as he puts the CD in the drive. "It has video files…"

They both stare at each other at this. "You think it's for our new case?" Danny asks, half hopefully and half fearfully.

"Only one way to find out…" The older detective says as he clicks on the first file.

The video starts out dark and they have to squint to figure out what exactly it is they're looking at. And then a spotlight shines on two figures in the center of the room.

A man and a woman.

Both are naked, each tied to a chair and facing the other.

They are unconscious, judging by the way their heads are positioned.

The camera then focuses on the man and they see that his torso is bloodied from a number of cuts, some already clotting, others still oozing.

"Son of a…" Danny curses as he recognizes the set of tattoos visible on the man's body.

When the camera moves to focus on the woman's torso they see that while it is free from blood, it is marked with a number of small bruises that looked to be…

The blonde detective takes a quick look at Chin when he realizes exactly what the marks are.

But the older man is already retching over the wastebasket.

* * *

**AN2:** The next details (how they end up where the video starts and what comes after that) are harder for me to write and I need a couple of days to wrap my head around it – though I've already written parts of it - so I'm sorry for ending this chapter here. But on the upside (if you can call it that) – you'll definitely know what happened to them in the next installment.


	5. Going under

**Chapter 5: Going under**

**Disclaimer: **All characters you recognize I do not own.

**Rating: M**

**AN1: **First off, let me preface this chapter by saying that I am not taking this topic or the experiences of those who've gone through something like this lightly – this is just something that I wanted to explore in my writing so please no flames. That being said, I did say in the beginning that this would be dark so yeah…this is why. Read at your own risk.

* * *

_So go on and scream  
Scream at me I'm so far away (so far away)  
I won't be broken again (again)  
I've got to breathe - I can't keep going under_

_Going under, Evanescence_

* * *

She ends up sitting on his lap with their arms around each other. He has his eyes closed, head resting on the back of the sofa while he strokes her hair. Her cheek is pressed against his chest while her hand traces the scars she knows are hidden under his shirt. There is a long one that traverses the length of his chest and her hand lingers over it.

"It's still fresh…" he tells her. And she knows it is not the wound he is talking about.

"I know." She tells him. "So is mine…" she adds as she brings his other hand to her chest where a circle of bumps is palpable even over her shirt. She thinks he too understands that it isn't that wound she is referring to.

"Are we ever going to be okay?" She feels him tense as he asks.

She doesn't say anything for the longest time. "Why did we wait so long?" she finally answers with a question of her own.

He sighs. "I guess we weren't ready."

"Are we ready now?"

For a second, his hand falters from stroking her hair before he continues with a seemingly off-tangent response. "I'm sorry."

She freezes at the words. "Please, stop saying that."

"Kono…" he starts but she cuts him off by pushing off his chest and looking at him.

"Stop saying you're sorry."

"But I…"

"Damn it Steve! I said stop it."

"Kono…"

"I said stop it!" She finally screams and hits him.

"I'm sorry." He says the words again.

So she hits him again.

"I'm sorry." He repeats the words like a litany.

So she hits him again…and again…and again…until she couldn't anymore because her hands are throbbing in pain and she realizes the futility of it all because he just sits there and takes it.

"Why won't you stop?" She finally asks in defeat.

It is then that he finally moves to wrap his arms around her.

She lets him.

She lets him because everything hurts and he's the only one who could possibly understand. And she thinks maybe, just maybe she can just…be.

But then he says the words again and she can't stand it. So she pushes him away and moves off his lap.

"Kono…" He grabs her wrist to stop her.

"No!" She shakes her head as she tries to shake him off. "You shouldn't have come."

The words make him release her as though he'd been stung. "You don't mean that…" He whispers, pain evident on his face.

She tells herself she doesn't care if he's hurting but she knows it's a lie. So she offers him what he needs. "You want absolution? Fine! I forgive you! Now go!"

"Kono…"

"Isn't that what you want? Forgiveness? Well you have it. So just go!"

He doesn't react.

"What are you waiting for? I said go!"

She wants him to leave but he's not moving and it's frustrating and painful and it's just…

"Is that all that you see when you look at me?" she finally asks.

* * *

_She was close to passing out from the pain when they started taking off her restraints. She would make a run for it but it hurt to even breathe let alone stand. Dimly, she felt herself being lifted up before she heard Steve asking "Where are you taking her?", with a voice hoarse from shouting at their tormentors._

"_My men are bored…" _

_The words that are unspoken chilled her blood because she was too weak to fight back._

"_NO!" She hears the panic in his voice as he fought his restraints in earnest._

"_No?" Wo Fat asked in amusement as he signaled the man to put her back down again._

_And what hours and hours of physical torture hadn't done…the threat of her being gang-raped did. _

"_Please…" he begged his tormentor. "Please. I'll do anything…just…just don't touch her…"_

"_Anything? Be careful about making promises Commander."_

"_Steve…" she made herself speak in an effort to stop him._

"_What do you want?" He asked the other man as though he hadn't heard her._

_When the answer came, they both wished he hadn't asked._

* * *

Danny stares at his ceiling unable to sleep.

He thinks maybe he'll never be able to sleep again. Not after what they'd seen in those videos. As soon as Chin had finished dry heaving over the wastebasket, the older man had gathered his composure and with red-rimmed eyes, had resolutely played the rest of the videos. The fact that it had no sound was both a blessing and a curse. Blessing because at least they were spared the screams and the shouts that they knew Kono and Steve had uttered. Curse because without the distraction of sound, the images took a life of their own.

Even now, hours after they'd seen the last file, he can still see them when he closes his eyes.

* * *

_They see Kono fighting her restraints, screaming at them to stop as two men take turns cutting into Steve's skin._

_A slice on his bicep…_

_A nick on his chest…_

_A scratch on his stomach… _

_The torture is intermittent…random._

_Each cut is deep enough to cause bleeding but never deep enough to cause hemorrhaging. _

_As soon as one starts clotting, a new one is inflicted and starts oozing._

_They see Steve clenching his jaw with each cut, unwilling to give their abductors the satisfaction of seeing him shout in pain. _

_The lighting hides the men's faces in shadows...but not Kono's…and certainly not Steve's. _

_It is only when they seem to run out of fresh skin to carve that they stop. By then Steve has passed out. _

_The video ends._

_And then it's Steve who's shouting when the next one plays._

_Because it's Kono's turn._

_But they don't cut her. They don't make her bleed. _

_No._

_Instead, they burn her with cigarettes. _

_The tips are glowing orange and stark against the darkness of the room._

_The first one lands on her shoulder._

_She tries not to flinch. But her eyes water in pain._

_The second lands on her chest…right where the tan line meets lighter skin. _

_It makes her gasp. But she's able to fight her tears._

_It's the third one that makes her scream… _

_All the while, Steve is fighting his restraints. They see the veins in his throat bulge. _

_And they know he is screaming._

_But there's no sound._

* * *

Chin doesn't go home.

He can't because he's a mess and Malia is pregnant and he doesn't want to worry her.

So he calls to make his excuses and stays in his dark office staring at his computer screen…knuckles white from fighting the urge to hit something. A part of him wants to hate Steve for dragging his cousin into his mess. But then if he blames their team leader, he might as well blame himself too because at the end of the day, he's the one who brought her to Steve.

Danny tells him it isn't their fault. That only Wo Fat and his thugs are to blame. But it's hard not to feel responsible because he's been her protector since she was a little girl and seeing her treated like an animal…

After viewing the first video he thinks that they had suffered enough. But then the next video comes on and he realizes they hadn't.

And then the next one plays… and then the next…

They see Steve and Kono get tortured one after the other…

And he wonders which is worse for them…suffering the pain themselves… or being forced to witness the other's misery.

When both finally passed out from the pain, he thinks, surely, surely that was the worst of it…

He is wrong.

* * *

_When she came to, she was lying on a mattress. _

_The marks on her chest were visible. So were the welts on her wrists and ankles from where the restraints had bit into her flesh. Her slow movement indicated she was in pain but she made herself crawl over to the corner where the chamber pot was and relieved herself with difficulty. The stoic and almost mechanical way she'd gone about that business told them she was long past caring about privacy._

_By the time she was done and back on the mattress she was whimpering. She closed her eyes and curled up in a ball. _

_Even with the poor lighting they could see her say his name._

"_Steve."_

_He thought maybe she was trying to block out the memory of witnessing their team leader's torture. And then she was whispering something to herself over and over again._

_It takes them a moment to lip read and realize what the words were._

"_Please don't be dead."_

_And then the door opened and five men walk in._

* * *

"What?" He asks in confusion.

"When you look at me…is that all you see?" She asked again.

"I don't understand..." He looks at her helplessly, not quite sure what she means.

"Do you know why I left?"

"Kono…"

"I left because it hurt every time you looked at me…"

He thought he was prepared…for her hate…for her anger. But the anguish in her voice guts him. And he has to sit down because the pain is overwhelming.

"It hurts because I know that now all you see when you look at me is what I made you do…"

The defeat in her voice breaks through before the import of her words sink in. "What?"

"You keep saying you're sorry and offering me your pound of flesh like I want to be your judge and executioner. But that isn't what I want."

"Then tell me!" He finally snaps. "Tell me what you want because I sure as hell don't know how to go on without..." He stops unable to continue.

"I want you to admit that you were a victim too!" She shouts back.

"What?"

"What happened didn't just happen to me. It happened to you too!"

"Stop it Kono!" He bites out the words, willing for her to stop.

But she is relentless. "Stop what? Stop telling the truth?"

"I said stop it!"

"What? Because you're a Navy SEAL you can't be a victim? That because you're a man and I'm just a girl that I'm the only victim?" She is now in front of him and in his face. "Fuck you Steve!" she shouts. "I don't need your guilt!"

"Stop it Kono!" He is trying not to lose control.

"You know what? Why don't you just say it?" She taunts him.

"Say what? What do you want me to say?" He finally shouts back at her.

"That you hate me!"

The words it him squarely in the chest. Hate her? Why...

"What?" he asks, unable to understand what she's saying.

"You hate me." She says the words like it's gospel.

"Are you insane? Why would I hate you?"

"For the same reason you think I should hate you." The challenge is back in her voice.

"What the hell are you talking about?" This time, there is anger in his.

"Isn't that why you keep saying sorry? Because you think I hate you because of what happened? Why then shouldn't you hate me? I was there too!"

"It's not the same."

"Why not?"

The question hangs heavy between them.

...

"Because I fucking raped you!"

* * *

**AN2: **Okay, I hope I haven't just ruined your enjoyment of this fic with this particular chapter. The truth is up until I started writing this installment, I was still straddling the fence on whether to go this route (but more on this in the next chapter, which will take off from the last line here). I chose to end this here because the details of that are even harder to write and I just want to be sure I don't muck that up. Again, thanks for the feedback and I hope you still continue reading even after I've basically just eviscerated Steve's character with that last line.

And on another note, I had already posted this before I watched the season 2 finale so had to edit and add this because I'm like WTF? Kono was literally going under! WTF H50 writers? I just hope they're not killing her character off in season 3 to make way for Catherine =( Aargh! I'm so pissed!


	6. Belief

**Chapter 6 : Belief**

**Disclaimer: **Any character you recognize I do not own.

**Rating : M**

**AN1: **So again, let me preface this chapter by saying that I do not make light of this topic and the experiences of those who've gone through it and as such I am in no way belittling or trivializing it. I do not wish to offend anyone and it is my hope that what I did end up writing is neither callous nor insensitive. Again, this is just something I wanted to explore in my writing and I hope that I haven't irreparably tarnished their characters in your minds (particularly Steve's). Again, thanks for your continued patronage of this fic and for taking time to give me feedback as I really really do appreciate them. Anyway, let me know what you think.

Unbeta'ed so all mistakes are mine.

* * *

_Tonight, you arrested my mind when you came to my defense  
With a knife in the shape of your mouth  
In the form of your body, with the wrath of a god  
Oh, you stood by me…And I'll stand by my..._

_Belief._

_- Belief, Gavin DeGraw_

* * *

The words hit her like a punch in the stomach and she gasps as the reality of what had happened to them sink in. But she has no time to think because she sees him literally crumple before her. And she's there to catch him before his knees give way.

"Oh God…I raped you…"

The look of torture on his face is unbearable.

"Steve!" She frantically shakes him. "Steve, look at me! Steve!" She tries to get him to focus on her.

But he's already retreating into himself.

* * *

"_So what's it to be McGarrett?" Wo Fat's silky voice taunted him._

"_Go to hell!" He wanted to kill the bastard with his bare hands._

_But the other man just laughed. "You know…I've never had a cop before…"_

_He felt the just healing wounds on his chest open up again and start to bleed as he frantically tried to free himself from his restraints._

"_I think…" Wo Fat paused for effect. "I think I'm going to let you watch…"_

_And then he was looking at the image of her in another room as she was being held down by four men. She was fighting but she was getting weak and he knew she was in pain from the welts that were all over her torso. And then someone was whispering in her ear and she suddenly stopped fighting. And that's when he knew that Wo Fat had won._

"_Stop!" His voice came out hoarsely._

"_What is it? Did you say something Commander?"_

"_You win…" he swallowed the bile that was rising in his throat as he whispered the words again. "You win…"_

* * *

"Steve!" she slaps him in frustration. "You fucking listen to me, you miserable, misguided asshole!"

It is then that he finally looks at her.

"You didn't! Do you hear me?" She tells him clearly. "You did not rape me because it wasn't rape…"

"I…"

"I let you…I was there** and I let you!**" She says the words fiercely.

"But…"

"It wasn't…" She insists but somehow the words get harder to say. "It wasn't rape…"

The last word comes out in a whisper because she couldn't continue as the memory of what happened overtakes her.

* * *

_She had already stopped fighting when they finally let go of her arms and legs. They had told her that Steve was dead and so she stopped fighting. But she didn't stop because she had given up. No. She stopped fighting because with Steve dead, she realized she would have to save herself. And she couldn't do that if she was too weak. Fighting would only leave her weaker than she already was and she needed her strength. Fighting against four men when she was too weak would only get her killed. _

_And she wanted to live._

_She had to live._

_No, she needed to live._

_She needed to come out of this hellhole alive. _

_And she will. _

_She will come out of this alive and then she was coming back for each and every one of them and pay them back for everything that she suffered at their hands. And then she was coming after Wo Fat and she was going to kill him…slowly and painfully…for her…and for Steve…_

_It takes her a moment to realize that they had left the room. And then… and then…he was suddenly there…_

_He was alive!_

_And she thought for a moment that maybe she was already dead after all because he was there. _

"_Kono…" He called out her name just before he stumbled and fell on his knees on the mattress next to her. _

"_Steve!" She finally came out of her stupor and then she was wrapping her arms around him, not really caring that they were both naked. And even when there was pain at the contact between their skins because of their injuries she didn't care. She could feel his heart beating against hers and it was enough. She knew she would be alright if she could just feel him against her. _

"_Kono, listen to me…" The urgency in his tone made her freeze. "Whatever happens…" he stopped as though unable to continue. "Just…I'm sorry…"_

"_What are you talking about?" She asked not understanding._

"_If…no, when…when we come out of this…promise me…promise me you won't hate me…" He whispered to her ear as he wrapped his arms around her._

_She had a moment of confusion because she couldn't understand what he was trying to say. Why would she hate him? _

_But before she could ask further she found herself on her back with him on top of her. What was he doing? _

"_Fight me!" He shouted at her._

"_What?" She was lying there unable to move and unable to comprehend what was happening._

"_Fight me!" He told her again and when she wouldn't move, he forcibly raised her arms and held her by her wrists so she was pinned under him. And when she felt him forcibly try to pry her legs open with his knee she could only stare at him in horror as she realized what was about to happen. "Steve…" She fought the panic that was steadily rising in her. Surely he wouldn't….what was wrong with him? She was still trying to come to grips with what was happening when his hold on her wrists tightened and the she felt him...hard against her… and that was when she started to fight him in earnest._

_But despite being weakened himself, she was no match for him because she was even weaker. And then she felt the blood from his chest wounds start dripping on her and searing her burns and the pain of it all made her eyes water and made her gasp out loud._

_She was gathering her strength so she could knee him when she finally saw his face. _

_And what she saw broke her even more than she was already broken. Because she realized that they were making him do this to her…_

_That bastard was making him do this and he was watching somehow and that was why Steve wanted her to fight him. Pain was etched so deeply onto his face that somehow her own physical pain felt inconsequential compared to the sheer agony on his face. He was clenching his jaws so hard she was afraid he would break his teeth. And she hated Wo Fat even more than she already did because she knew._

_She knew that he had found the one thing that could destroy the man before her. _

_So she continued to fight him…but only for Wo Fat's benefit… even as she tried to make him look at her. So she could let him know that she understood and that she didn't hate him. That she wouldn't ever hate him. "Steve…" she called to him desperately._

_But he had closed his eyes and that's when she saw the tears making their way down his cheeks._

* * *

"They didn't drug me…" He tells her as he stares straight ahead.

"Steve…"

"Not really…at least…not the kind that makes you forget…" he continues as though she hadn't spoken. "So I did what I did…not because I was under the influence…" The words are hard to say but he knows she deserves the truth.

And the cold, hard truth is…he had no excuse.

She doesn't say anything and in some ways it's a relief. Because he needs to tell her everything and he knows he might not be able to if she speaks.

"The only drug in my system was the one that would ensure I would be able to perform…" He chokes on the words. "But I was thinking clearly. I knew what I was doing…"

"Steve…" she tries to cut him off but he wouldn't let her.

"And it was my choice to hurt you. I have no excuse…and I hurt you and even when I knew I was hurting you I didn't stop…I couldn' stop…"

"No, Steve…listen to me." This time when she cuts him off, she forcibly makes him turn to look at her. "Steve… I knew." she tells him without flinching.

He doesn't really understand what she's saying and he wants to look away…but he can't…

* * *

_Although she had been expecting it, she was still unprepared when it finally happened and it hurt. And she tried not to whimper but it came out anyway and she felt him freeze for a moment. But he was too far gone and couldn't stop. And she felt like she was being torn apart but she made herself focus on a spot on the wall so she could bear the pain. A part of her wondered how he could…but one look at his face and she knew that they'd given him something to make it possible and that was why he couldn't stop…because there was no pleasure on his face…only anguish._

_And she didn't have to act anymore because she really was in pain. But it was pain that went beyond the physical because she also hurt for him and for the loss of self she knew he must feel at having to do this to her. That he had been forced to hurt her because to not do so would mean she would be hurt far worse at Wo Fat's hands and maybe his men too. _

_But in some ways she wished that that had been the case. That it had been Wo Fat instead or his men…because then things would be clear cut. And there wouldn't be this conflict inside her. And maybe then, her pain would be more bearable because he would at least be spared this…_

_Because this…_

_This was…_

_She knew he was having a hard time so she tried to help and she willed him to look at her as she did so. But he never did and when it was finally, finally over and he'd moved off her, she realized she was crying too. So she turned her head away hoping to spare him the sight of her tears. But then she heard him get violently sick and so she had to look at him and she wished that she hadn't. Because seeing him in utter misery as he hunched over the chamber pot in the corner heaving dryly somehow made things even worse than it was._

_And she wanted to go to him. She wanted to tell him it was okay. That she didn't hate him. That she understood. _

_But she was too weak and too sore and too tired._

* * *

"I should have told you then…." Her words come out in a whisper.

He doesn't understand.

"When it was over and you were sick…I should have told you that I understood…and that I didn't hate you..."

"No…" He tries to cut her off but she wouldn't let him.

"No!" She tells him forcefully. "Even then I understood. I only fought you because I knew he was watching…"

"I'm so sorry..."

"It's not me you should be asking forgiveness from…" This time, the words are spoken gently.

"But…" his voice breaks.

"You need to forgive yourself too…"

"I can't…"

"You have to." She is crying now.

He couldn't speak.

"You have to Steve because I can't…" She struggles to continue because she's crying too hard. "When you look at me I can't breathe from the pain…I can't breathe from your pain…and it's killing me to know that I am the reason you're so broken…And I had to leave because…because…"

He couldn't take it anymore so he stops her the only way he knows how.

He kisses her.

And it should feel wrong somehow after everything that's happened except that somehow it doesn't.

It doesn't feel wrong because she's kissing him back.

And it's everything a kiss shouldn't be.

It is raw and painful and needy.

It is forceful and bruising and when it is finally over they are left staring at each other, unable to say anything.

It is him who breaks the long silence.

And this time when he tells her he's sorry, he hopes she understands that it has nothing to do with what happened while they were kidnapped but everything to do with that kiss.

Because before everything happened...

Before they got taken...

There was that night...when everything felt right.

* * *

**AN: **So for those who are a little confused about the ending for this chapter… well, it will be revealed in the next one as there's some backstory there about the events that led to them being taken together and why it is Kono that Wo Fat took and not Catherine. Until next time.


	7. You must love me

**Chapter 7: You must love me**

**Disclaimer :** Anything you recognize from the show I do not own.

**AN:** I tried to update sooner but RL is really kicking my behind right now. I have two projects to code, health issues to obsess over and tons of packing to do before I fly out on Thursday *sigh* Anyway, I just wanted to say that I really appreciate all your wonderful comments and they really inspire me – just it's been hard to find time to write so I hope you'll all be patient with me. I'm not too happy with this chapter but I hope you continue to read anyway. Unbeta'ed so all mistakes are mine.

PS. I'm about a third of the way through with the next OUaK chapter so fingers crossed I'll have it up soon.

* * *

_Where do we go from here?_

_This isn't where we intended to be_

_We had it all, you believed in me_

_I believed in you_

_- You must love me, Madonna_

* * *

"_What are you doing here?" She asked him in confusion when she saw him at her doorstep._

"_Let me in, Kono." _

"_Steve…Bo…"_

"_Don't. Don't fucking say it." _

"_But…"_

"_We are off the clock and I am not here as your commanding officer, so don't fucking call me Boss or I swear to…"_

"_What are you here for then?" There was challenge in her voice._

"_You know why I'm here." He insisted._

"_I don't." She kept her face expressionless even though her heart had started pounding at the intensity of his gaze._

"_I asked you a question earlier. You never answered." There was impatience in his voice._

"_You came here in the middle of the night for that?" She asked in disbelief. "You're joking, right?"_

"_Do you see me laughing?"_

_She froze where she stood. "Catherine…" _

"_Is just a friend now…" _

_She gave a humorless laugh at this. "Does she know this?"_

"_You know I'm telling the truth." _

"_Do I?" She knew her question would irritate him further. _

"_Ignoring it isn't helping either of us." He tried a different tactic._

"_Chin…"_

"…_is your cousin I know. So what? I'll talk to him. He'll understand."_

"_Danny…"_

"_Will still be the same old Danny."_

_She just looked at him for the longest time not quite sure what to say._

"_Say it." He demanded._

"_Say what?"_

"_Damn it Kono, stop hiding behind protocol or propriety or some other bullshit because you know I don't give a crap about any of that."_

"_Maybe you should!"_

"_What the hell does that mean?"_

"_It means, why now? Why all of a sudden?"_

"_Sudden? You call this sudden? What the fuck Kono? We've been dancing around each other for two fucking years. Don't tell me it's sudden."_

"_What if…"_

"_Look, if you don't feel anything for me then just tell me and I'll leave." _

"_It's not that simple."_

"_It is."_

_She sighed but looked unsure. So he pressed his advantage by stepping closer until she had no choice but to back away from the door. The minute he was inside, he closed the door behind him and locked it._

"_What if it doesn't work out?" She voiced the fear that made her run away from his question earlier._

"_We'll make it work."_

"_What if we can't?" She was staring at his chest as she said this._

"_Kono, look at me." He told her, and when she didn't, he reached out to hold her chin and gently lifted her face up so he could stare into her eyes. "We can. If you tell me now that you want this, I promise …"_

"_Don't make promises you can't keep…" _

"_I promise…" He repeated. "We'll make it work." _

_She looked at him for the longest time, trying to gauge his sincerity._

"_Say it."_

"_I forgot the question…" She made one last attempt to deflect._

"_Kono…"_

"_Yes."_

* * *

"If I hadn't…" he couldn't continue.

"You couldn't have known…"

"But I did. Before he escaped he…I thought I was protecting you…"

"You did protect me." She says it fiercely.

"You don't understand." He insists.

"I do understa…"

"I loved you, you know." He cuts her off.

The words are so unexpected that it shocks her into silence.

"You think I'm lying." It's a statement rather than a question so she doesn't bother answering. "I don't really blame you." He tells her.

She stifles the anger that rises in her at the words. "You don't have to say it…" She answers flatly. "I don't blame you for any of it so just..." After everything that has happened, she couldn't handle a lie on top of it all.

And just when she thinks her heart couldn't possibly be broken any more than it already has, he continues...

"I still love you."

With those four words, she realizes that once again, she is proven wrong.

* * *

"_Aren't you coming in?" She asked when he made no move to enter the house._

"_It's late…" _

_She smiled at this. She knew why he was reluctant to come in. But she also knew something he didn't so she did what she knew would change his mind. She moved to kiss him._

_But he stopped her. "Kono…"_

_She sighed good-naturedly at his refusal to budge from where he stood. "Steve." She said teasingly. _

_But there was no answering smile on his face._

"_I'm ready." She finally blurted out when he didn't say anything, hoping her face didn't feel as flushed as she thought it was._

"_I'm sorry." The lack of inflection in his voice confused her. _

"_Sorry for what?" She asked._

_"For everything…" _

"_I don't understand…"_

"_I'm breaking my promise…" _

_The solemn way he said the words unnerved her. "What pro…" She stopped as she realized what he meant. "Quit joking Steve, it's not funny."_

"_Kono…" _

_His look told her he was serious and she could only stare at him in disbelief. "You can't mean that…"_

_His silence told her otherwise._

"_No." She refused to believe him. "Look, I just…I only wanted to wait because…" She laughed at this. "I wanted to be sure first and now I'm sure…"_

"_Kono…"_

"_And I'm sure now. Steve…I'm ready…we don't have to wait...I lo…"_

_But he cut her off. "It isn't that…" he told her._

"_Then what is it? Is it because I wanted to tell Chin? We don't have to." She struggled to reassure him. "It doesn't have to change…we could still keep it under the radar…" She knew she was sounding desperate but she couldn't seem to stop. "We could keep it a secret a while longer. We don't have to tell anyone…" _

"_Kono, stop."_

"_No! Tell me why you're doing this?" She hated the note of pleading that had entered her voice._

"_Kono…" _

"_Tell me!" She finally shouted at him in frustration._

"_Catherine…"_

_She thought she would understand. That whatever reason he had for ending things that she wouldn't care and she would fight. But what he said broke her. "What?" She asked again, because she couldn't have heard right._

"_She…I love…"_

_She didn't wait for him to finish. "You bastard…" the words come out in a whisper._

"_Kono…" He reached out for her but she couldn't bear his touch._

"_Don't…" She whispered as she stepped away from him feeling cold all of a sudden._

"_I didn't mean…" _

_She laughed without humor. "Yeah…I guess you said a lot of things you really didn't mean…" _

"_I'm sorry."_

_She could see the sincerity in his eyes and hear the regret in his voice but it was too much. __She fought for composure and willed herself not to cry in front of him. And when she finally had control of herself, she looked him in the eyes without flinching._

_"Just leave."_

* * *

"It was never about Catherine…" he whispers.

"Stop." She begs him as the import of his words start to sink in.

"When he escaped I knew it was only a matter of time before he'd come after me…" He continues anyway.

"I said stop…I don't want to hear this." She couldn't help the note of hysteria from creeping into her voice.

But he's relentless. "I thought that you'd be safer…"

"So what? You broke my heart for my own good is that it?" The intensity of her anger surprises her.

"I thought if…I couldn't take the risk…"

His answer infuriates her further. "You arrogant son of a bitch!"

He closes his eyes as though she'd physically hit him.

And she suddenly couldn't breathe because if what he's saying is true, then it had all been for nothing.

"Kono…"

"No…just…" The bitterness she feels overwhelms her.

And it is then that she truly realizes all that they have lost.

* * *

"So where do we go from here?"

"I don't know." Chin answers as he stares at Danny. "I never thought…"

"Steve …" The blonde detective stops, unable to continue.

"I know that he probably did what he did to save Kono from…" The older man takes a breath. "But I can't….She's my cousin and he…I honestly don't know what I'll do if I see him again."

"She doesn't blame him…" Danny offers quietly.

"She left!" Chin's voice rises up.

"I know…but she didn't say anything…she protected him and kept quiet…" Danny answers, and when Chin looks like he's about to argue again, quickly adds "You saw how she was when we found them…"

* * *

"_Kono! Thank God!" Chin's relief was evident when he finally saw her._

"_Chin?" Her voice came out in a whisper as she struggled to sit up. She looked like she was trying to cover herself but then looked confused when she stared down as though surprised she was wearing clothes._

"_Steve!" Danny knelt beside them on the floor and checked on the former Navy SEAL, who looked like he'd been tortured, and judging by the blood stains on the shirt he was wearing, he probably was. "He's not waking up…" He added as he felt for a pulse._

_Kono's eyes widened in panic before she pushed Danny away and started shaking the unconscious man. "No…no…Steve…wake up…Steve…." _

_And then the EMT guys were suddenly there and Steve was being taken to the hospital in an ambulance with a frantic Kono riding with him. _

* * *

"Brah, I know that. In my head I know what you're saying is true. But seeing that last video…"

"So now what? You just kick Steve to the curb?" Danny can't stop his own voice from rising as his frustration over the whole situation gets to him.

"What about Kono?" Chin's own question deflates the blonde detective's own anger.

"Look, we can't…" Danny struggles to finish the sentence. "All I know is that they're both really fucked up about this and we're not even supposed to know about what they really went through…"

"So what are you saying then? We just pretend we don't know? That we didn't just watch…" The older man takes a moment to control his emotions. "I wish I could just erase what we just saw from my mind but I can't…I couldn't even go home last night because I was too messed up…"

"You think you're the only one who's fucked up in the head over this? I went home but I couldn't sleep…I kept seeing…"

"She has a boyfriend you know…" Chin's comment startles Danny.

"You met him?"

"No…she told me I'd meet him when the time was right…" There was a wealth of regret in Chin's voice.

The silence hangs between them as both think about how complicated the whole situation is.

"I think, we should just…we need to try to put that aside for the moment…and think about something else…" Danny finally breaks the silence.

"Like what?"

"Like why the hell did WoFat send us those videos? And if he still has copies, which given what that crazy bastard has done he probably does, what is he going to do about them?"


	8. One night

**Chapter 8: One night**

**Disclaimer: **All characters you recognize I do not own.

**AN:** Sorry for not updating sooner. The travel tired me out and then had to go straight to the doctor the following day and then go for a series of tests (with coding deadlines on top of everything) so I really didn't have much time to write. I'm afraid this chapter isn't very good - but I needed to get this out to set up the next chapter - which is actually the one that I am most looking forward to write - just cause when I thought about this story a couple of months ago, it was the scene that was playing in my mind. (And if that sounds confusing, well, that's how stories come to me - kind of like a movie that suddenly just plays in my head - weird I know, but there you go). Anyway, thanks for the feedback and for reading.

As usual, unbeta'ed so all mistakes are mine.

* * *

_'Cause I've made up my mind  
My heart aches with a hunger and a want that you were mine,  
No, I cannot deny.  
So for one night, is it alright that I give you_

_My heart, my love, my heart,_  
_Just for one night._  
_My body, my soul…_

_One night, The Corrs_

* * *

"Like why the hell did WoFat send us those videos? And if he still has copies, which given what that crazy bastard has done he probably does, what is he going to do about them?"

The words make Chin's blood freeze. It's bad enough imagining how their two teammates will react when they find out that he and Danny had seen the videos, if they get leaked out to other people…

"We can't let that happen."

Danny nods in acknowledgment. "What do we do with this?" he asks as he points to the CD.

Chin sighs. "I want to burn the damned thing. But…"

"…we can't." Danny answers flatly.

"We can't." Chin agrees. "If WoFat only sends out the last video…"

They both look at each other grimly. The last video, without the context of the events preceding it, just makes Steve look like a monster, even if Kono says otherwise. Because even though there's no sound, she looked like she was screaming at him to stop.

"You think he's the one who tipped us where they were held?" Danny asks again. Because the only reason they found them at all was because of an anonymous tip that they received. They hadn't even known they were missing the first 24 hours because it was a weekend. And when both hadn't shown up at HQ the next day, they weren't even worried yet. After all Steve did have a penchant for disappearing on them without notice. And when Chin had gone to Kono's apartment, he found nothing amiss. There was no sign that there had been a struggle. It just looked like Kono went on a trip. It was only the following day that they started to worry, especially since there had been no word from the two. And they hadn't even thought of WoFat at first. After all, the team had made a lot of enemies.

"I have wondered about that too." Chin admits. "And when we found them, Kono looked surprised that she had clothes on…"

"So he really planned this whole thing meticulously…"

"But when Kono refused a rape kit, it must have pissed him off."

"But what I don't get…" Danny wonders aloud. At the older man's questioning look, he continues. "WoFat could have just sent us the last video and we would have been hard pressed not to put Steve in the slammer. Why send us the others?"

It's a question that has been plaguing Chin as well. What was that bastard thinking? If he wanted to destroy their leader publicly, all it would have taken was that last video because without the actual shots of their wounds and burn marks, anyone watching it would have just assumed it as a case of Steve forcing himself on Kono.

So why had he sent the other videos? Why let them know that they'd been tortured first?

* * *

The devastation on her face guts him and the pain he feels as she withdraws from him is worse than the agony he experienced during their incarceration. And he wishes he could just get up and walk out of the door and leave her be – just so he could spare her more pain – but he can't. He can't leave because he knows that if he does, there is a very real possibility that she would never ever open the door to him again. And he can't really blame her because it's his own damned fault that their first time together had been…

"Did you really call her?" her question surprises him.

"Yes." He admits, knowing that this damns him further in her eyes.

"Are you…" She doesn't finish the question but he thinks he knows what she means.

"No." He whispers. "She tried but…" _you were always there between us._ He hopes she understands even if he doesn't say the rest of the words out loud.

She doesn't speak for a long time so he just sits and waits and hopes she doesn't send him away. But when she finally looks at him, he realizes his hopes are in vain because he sees the resolve in her eyes.

"Don't…" he begs.

"Steve…"

"Please don't…"

"I…"

He doesn't allow her to finish. He's not ready to hear her say that she's done with him. He thinks he may never be ready for that. And when she closes her eyes and turns away from him, his fear overrides any desire he has to spare her more pain. And he finds himself reaching for her. She freezes but he doesn't care. He wraps his arms around her from behind and even though she remains stiff in his arms, he doesn't let her go.

"I don't know what you want from me…" she tells him.

"I want another chance…" he whispers against her hair.

"You told me to move on…" The words cut into him like knives.

"I was a fool." He admits.

"I can't…" She whispers as she tries to free herself.

He wants to tighten his hold on her but he knows he shouldn't. He's hurt her enough. But his limbs refuse to obey what his mind tells them.

"Let me go…" she asks him.

"No…I can't…" he answers. "Please don't make me…"

"I can't do this." She tells him as she fights to get out of his embrace.

He lets her go but only to get in front of her and hold on to her arms. "Kono, look at me." He wills her to do so. And when she refuses, he wraps his arms around her again. "Please…" he whispers into her neck, unmindful of how needy he sounds.

She stops struggling and becomes limp in his arms. The move scares him even more because it just feels like she's finally finally given up on them.

And he realizes that where their ordeal under Wo Fat's hands had failed, the knowledge of his callous decision to break her heart in a misguided attempt to protect her, has succeeded. And that is to finally get her to stop believing in him.

The thought devastates him and his hold on her loosens momentarily. Which is why she is able to free herself from him.

And then she is looking at him with eyes devoid of emotion. "What will it take for you to leave me alone?"

The question unnerves him. "Kono…"

"Tell me Steve so we can both forget we ever knew each other." The lack of emotion in her voice hits him like a punch to the chest and he can't breathe from the pain.

"You don't mean that…" he whispers brokenly.

"I do. I want you to leave and never come back here again."

"I was only trying to protect you..." he offers helplessly even though he knows it doesn't really make things right.

I've had enough of your brand of protection."

"Please…"

But she ignores what he says and moves to turn away from him again.

"One night…" The words escape his lips before he can think about it.

"What?" She asks as she turns.

That she stops and turns to look at him again gives him a sliver of hope. "One night…" His resolve strengthens as he repeats the words again. "I want one night …"

But she doesn't let him finish. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"You asked and that's my price for leaving you alone." The enormity of what he is giving up with this demand almost makes him choke the words out.

"You don't get to …"

It is his turn to cut her off. "You asked. That is my answer."

"And if I refuse?" She challenges him.

He takes care not to show her his relief at her response. "Then I won't leave…"

She laughs without humor. "You can't be serious."

"Try me." He looks at her without flinching.

"What about H50?" She asks.

"What about it?"

"You can't run it from way over here…" She sneers at him.

"I'll quit."

The words hang in the air between them.

"You can't mean that."

"I can..." And he realizes with a start that he really does.

"You care for it too much to just give it up…"

"I do. But I love you more."

* * *

The words should have made her happy.

Because she knows how much he loves their work. How much of himself he's put into H50 and in the work they do. That she matters more to him than that is something she never even thought to hope or wish for.

And a month ago, these words would have.

Now, it just makes her angry.

* * *

He realizes she doesn't believe him when she answers with anger in her voice. "You don't."

"You don't get to tell me what I feel and don't." He reminds her.

"And why not?" She snaps back. "You did!"

The words make him close his eyes in pain because she is right. He did do it to her and the regret he feels is almost overwhelming. Almost.

"One night, that's all I ask and you can be free of me."

* * *

She stares at him silently, trying to understand what he hopes to accomplish by asking for one night. One night for what?

"Why are you doing this?" She asks because she truly doesn't understand.

"Because I just can't walk away without trying to fix this..." He tells her.

"And how does one night fix anything?"

* * *

He knows he is risking a lot. But he doesn't let his fear stop him from fighting for what he wants…for her. If she doesn't agree – then he has an excuse to stay – and if she does – he at least has one night to make it up to her. So he lays everything on the line.

"I want one night to show you how it should have been between us…if you let me…"

And then he waits with baited breath for her decision.


	9. Till we ain't strangers anymore

**Chapter 9: Till we ain't strangers anymore**

**Disclaimer:** Any character you recognize I do not own.

**AN1:** Unbeta'ed so all mistakes are mine.

* * *

_It's hard to find forgiveness when we just turn out the light_  
_It's hard to say you're sorry when you can't tell wrong from right_  
_It would be so easy to spend your whole damn life just keeping score_  
_So let's get down to it baby, there ain't no need to lie_

_Tell me who you think you see when you look into my eyes_  
_Let's put our two hearts back together and we'll leave the broken pieces on the floor_  
_Make love with me baby till we ain't strangers anymore_

_-Till We Ain't Strangers Anymore, Bon Jovi /LeAnn Rimes_

* * *

_"I want one night to show you how it should have been between us…if you let me…"_

They both stare at each other as the words echo in the silence of the room.

He holds his breath when she starts to speak, "If…"

* * *

"If…I agree…do you promise to leave me alone afterwards?"

He stares at her for what seems like an eternity before he finally agrees. "Yes. If that's what you want."

* * *

His answer should have made her feel relieved. After all, that's what she really wants, right? To be left alone and to never see him again, so really, she should be glad. So why is it, that she feels disappointment at his ready agreement? Surely, she doesn't still…after everything that's happened, she couldn't possibly be still in love with him, could she?

But there's no time to second-guess when she finds herself answering him with a silent nod. And she thinks maybe she's crazy after all…because his apparent relief at her answer finds an echo inside her.

"Can I?" he asks tentatively as he takes a step towards her.

She can't speak so she just nods at him, not quite sure what he means to do.

And then she's closing her eyes as he wraps his arms around her. And when he begs her, "Please…" she realizes what he means. So she wraps her arms around him too and she wants to start crying again because it feels so much like coming home.

* * *

The relief he feels at her acquiescence almost brings him to his knees. And when she finally returns his embrace, it's all he could do not to crush her as he tightens his arms around her.

He makes himself let her go so he can stare into her eyes. "Kono…" he starts to speak, but she shakes her head and places a finger across his lips.

"Shh…" she whispers as she looks at him with eyes softened by unshed tears. "No words…"

* * *

She doesn't want to hear him speak because she knows the words would only weaken her resolve. And she can't afford to listen to him anymore. She barely made it when he broke things off to go back to Catherine and it was only by sheer force of will that she'd gathered the tattered remains of her heart and pretended he hadn't hurt her as much as he had. She'd soldiered on because to not do so would have meant she'd have to give up H50. And so she'd striven to rebuild her defenses against him. And she'd succeeded somewhat before they'd been taken.

But those defenses were weakened during their time at WoFat's hands and ultimately destroyed when she'd seen how broken he'd been in the aftermath. Because even after everything they'd been through together, she'd continued to believe in him. She'd believed that he wouldn't have hurt her if there had been any other way.

And to find out that she had been wrong all along is devastating for her.

So no, she doesn't want to hear any more words from him for they would only make her hope. And frankly, where he's concerned, hoping only brings her more pain.

* * *

Because he doesn't want to ruin the moment, he complies, even though he wants nothing more than to tell her again that he loves her. But he knows that it's too late. Some words really do lose their meaning when withheld for so long. So he tells himself that there's nothing more he can do but make the best of his one night with her. And he convinces himself that come morning, he'll be able to let her go without breaking down and begging her to let him stay. And he makes himself believe that when he finally walks out of her door, he can do so without looking back.

The thought of tomorrow terrifies him. But until then, he'll pretend that everything is okay because he has to.

* * *

She doesn't say anything more as she leads him to her bedroom. The silence is deafening and she almost changes her mind. But as though he knows this, he is right there when her steps falter. And it's almost like he's making her go through with it with just the force of his will.

And when they're facing each other in the glow of her bedside lamp and she's trembling all over, unable to meet his gaze, he reaches out and cups her cheeks with his hands and gently raises her face so she has no choice but to look at him. And what she sees reflected in the depths of his eyes makes her catch her breath. But before she can think about why that is, he is bending his head towards her and then he is kissing her.

* * *

He takes care not to spook her so it starts out tentative…just a soft press of lips upon lips.

It is fleeting…almost, seeking…gentle.

When she doesn't resist, he deepens the kiss as he steps ever closer to her. And because he can't say the words out loud, he pours everything that he feels into that kiss.

* * *

She gasps when his desperation spills into the kiss and it's all the invitation he needs. His tongue plunders the depths of her mouth and she feels so overwhelmed she can only cling to his arms in an effort to keep herself upright.

She doesn't know how long it lasts and she really doesn't care. But when the need for air becomes imperative, they both break apart and she can only stare at him in befuddlement as they both try to catch their breaths. She swallows heavily and doesn't say anything, waiting for his next move.

* * *

He worries that he's frightened her with his intensity but when he looks into her eyes and sees nothing but bemusement, he slides his hands to her waist and brings her closer. She stiffens momentarily when he drops a soft kiss along her neck but she doesn't push him away. So he dares a little bit more and pushes the neckline of her shirt so he can taste her skin.

* * *

She stifles a moan as she feels his open mouthed kiss along her shoulder blade but is unable to stop her hands from reflexively tightening their hold on his shirt. And when his tongue darts out to taste her skin her knees almost buckle under her and she is grateful that his arms are strong enough to support her. She tells herself not to make a sound because she shouldn't enjoy this. She couldn't. This was for him…so he'll finally leave her alone. She wouldn't. But her traitorous heart wouldn't let her and she almost wails in frustration when he stops and looks at her intently with a silent question in his eyes.

And she wants to look away because she knows her eyes are betraying what she feels but she's unable to.

* * *

He knows she is nervous by the way her muscles feel tense under his hands. So he makes sure to move slowly and carefully as he slides his fingers to the bottom of her shirt. But even though he is ready to stop at the slightest indication that she's changed her mind, he can't help but feel gutted when she covers his hands with hers and stills his motion. He tightens his hold on her shirt momentarily before he makes himself let go. But his disappointment soon turns into wonder when instead of asking him to leave she moves instead to grasp her shirt and proceeds to take it off.

* * *

She stands before him bare from the waist up and fights the ever present urge to cover herself, knowing that the burn marks are showing starkly against her skin. She sees him focus on the marks and she wills him to meet her eyes. Because she wants him to see what she's made of….to realize that she's stronger than he gives her credit for.

And so she waits…willing for him to understand what she needs from him.

* * *

He feels moisture gathering at the back of his lids at the memory of what she's endured but he ruthlessly blinks them away. This night isn't about remembering. It's about making new memories to supplant the old. So when he finally looks at her, he doesn't allow any other emotion but wonder at her beauty to show in his eyes.

The look of challenge she gives tells him he has but one chance to make this right. So he holds her gaze as he slowly takes off his shirt, understanding that the only way they can ever move forward is to reveal to each other all what they'd kept buried inside them.

* * *

The breath she isn't aware she's been holding comes out in a rush when he finally meets her gaze. Because what she sees reflected in his eyes tells her that he understands. And when he bares himself before her, she knows what he is telling her.

That whatever happened to them hadn't broken them beyond repair. That whatever happened between them while they were kept in that warehouse didn't define them. And that finally…he sees her for her…beyond that act that had made him all too human.

* * *

The relief he sees in her eyes tells him that she too understands. That she too sees him for him. A man flawed beyond the scars that adorned his body.

So when he's finally able to make his limbs move, it is to trace his fingers across her skin. Gently feeling the bumps in an effort to soothe the ache he knows she still feels when she looks at or touches them.

* * *

She trembles at the feel of his fingers across her skin but she doesn't flinch because for the first time, they don't hurt. So she too places her hand on his chest and runs her fingers gently across his own scars. They are unevenly spaced across his torso, some smooth, some jagged and she knows how much they must have hurt.

And it is with surprise that she finds herself kissing the marks, one by one.

* * *

The feel of her lips coasting across his torso makes him close his eyes in reaction and it is almost a torture not to sweep her into his arms for fear that she'd realize what she's doing and stop. But when her lips land on the one that runs across his abdomen his control snaps and he finds himself dragging her upwards so he can ravage her lips the way he's dreamed of for so long, his right arm wrapping itself around her waist to lift her up as his left hand slides down to her right thigh. He groans into the kiss as she moves to wrap her arms around his neck and her legs around his hips.

And then he is walking towards the bed and laying her down on it reverently.

* * *

The naked want and need in his eyes when their kiss finally ends make her shiver in anticipation. And she has to bite her lips to stop the moan from escaping as he slowly slides her shorts down her legs.

* * *

Her beauty brings him to his knees and it is with trembling hands that he worships her body.

* * *

It was unlike anything she'd ever experienced before. It's as though he's made it a mission to bring all of her nerve endings to life with his lips, teeth, tongue and hands. By the time he's made a sweep of her whole body, she is a quivering mass of need. And as the last of her clothing drops to the floor, it is quickly joined by the rest of his.

And then he is hovering over her and then skin is touching skin.

* * *

She hisses when their bodies finally touch and he feels her stiffen. He realizes that the memory of their last…first…encounter is making its way back into her consciousness. So he tries not to crush her by supporting his weight with his forearms as he waits for her to either accept his weight or push him off.

* * *

She tries not to remember the last time they were like this but she can't help it. So she forces her eyes open so she could look at him hoping to shake off the memories from the back of her mind. And it is when she sees how much he's struggling to hold himself together that she realizes she needs to do this. So she tells him without words that she's ready by moving to cradle his lower body between her legs.

It's his time to hiss when their lower limbs touch and the look he gives her tells her how much it is costing him to take things slow. And then she is taking all of his weight and they're both panting from the effort.

* * *

They kiss because back then there had been none shared between them.

They run their fingers across each other's bodies because back then his hands had only held hers down.

This time he takes care to give her pleasure instead of pain.

This time she lets out whimpers instead of screams.

And when he finally makes her his, he looks into her eyes in anticipation instead of turning away in fear that he'll see loathing in hers.

And when they finally taste the tears in each other's lips, they find that they aren't as bitter as they had been before.

So they make love all night like they should have before everything went wrong.

But they don't talk like they should have even when everything feels right.

And when morning finally comes, as it always does, he gets up and pretends his heart isn't breaking when he leaves, as he promised her he would.

And she pretends she's asleep and lets him go as she told him she would.

* * *

It is when he's 33,000 feet above the ground that he finally lets himself feel once again. He asks himself if he's made the right choice in asking for last night because it meant that he had to leave. But when he closes his eyes and remembers the way she felt in his arms, he can't bring himself to regret it.

Of course, that doesn't really mean he's ready to move on anytime soon. The truth is, he's probably made things worse for himself. And he curses himself again for his shortsightedness. And he wonders if it's really too late to go back. Because he still loves her. And he hates himself for letting her go when he did.

* * *

It takes her several moments after he's left to realize that she's bitten her lips so hard that it's blood she's actually tasting on her tongue. And she tries not to resent the fact that he seems to have had no difficulty in leaving her. Because the truth is, she regrets her decision as soon as her front door closes after him.

And so she lies in bed and tries not to hate the fact that despite her promise to herself that she wouldn't ever let him weaken her again, she's failed. Because even without the words he's managed to break through her defenses once again.

And so she hates him. She hates him because even after everything that's happened, she still loves him.

She still loves him.

She just doesn't trust him anymore.

* * *

**AN2:** Again, sorry for the late update. More health concerns and more coding deadlines made it hard for me to find time to write so if this isn't any good I do hope you still continue to read this story anyway. Again, thanks for the feedback, favorites and alerts – I really do appreciate them even if I'm unable to respond to all of you individually. *Hugs to all* and till next time. Btw, update for OUaK is forthcoming – maybe in a day or so (fingers crossed).


	10. How to save a life

**Chapter 10: How to save a life**

**Disclaimer**: Any character you recognize I do not own.

**AN: **Unbeta'ed so all mistakes are mine.

* * *

_As he begins to raise his voice you lower yours and grant him one last choice_

_Drive until you lose the road or break with the ones you've followed_

_He will do one of two things_

_He will admit to everything or he'll say he's just not the same_

_And you'll begin to wonder why you came_

_How to Save a Life, The Fray_

* * *

Chin has been debating with himself for the last 20 minutes on whether to get out of the car to knock on the door or just drive away. The minute he heard that he was back he'd been out of the house (much to Malia's dismay) and driving out to their team leader's house. But when he gets there he finds himself just sitting in his car and gripping the steering wheel until his knuckles are white.

He reaches out to start his car again when the door to the house opens and takes the choice away from him. And before he can think further, he's opening the car door and walking fast to meet the guy he wants to see with hands clenched into fists.

But just when he's about to punch Steve in the face he notices the other man's appearance and all the anger he's kept bottled inside of him ever since he saw the videos just leaves him.

"Do it!" Steve shouts at him, getting into his face and daring him to do what he's come here to do.

And for a split second he is tempted. Because he's Kono's cousin and he's been her protector since she was a kid. But the haunted expression on the other man's eyes and the gauntness of his face tells him that Steve has already punished himself far worse than his fists ever could.

"Do it…" Steve repeats the words in a whisper before he is literally crumpling before Chin.

He manages to catch the former Navy SEAL just before he hits the ground.

* * *

Danny almost drives himself into a wreck in his haste to get to Steve's house. Malia had called him frantically telling him to stop Chin from doing something she knows he'll regret. And given what they both know (Chin having had to tell his wife about the videos), he can very well imagine how volatile the situation between his two teammates could get.

He's about five minutes out when his cellphone rings.

"Chin!" He answers quickly. "Where are you? I know you heard that Steve's…" he trails off when he sees the older man's car parked outside the McGarrett residence. Quickly scrambling out of the car before he's even fully parked it, he runs towards the house expecting the worst.

He stops abruptly at the sight before him.

"Please tell me you didn't do that to him?"

Chin just shakes his head solemnly. "I wanted to…" the older man whispers.

Danny's relief at hearing this is short lived however because he finally sees the state their team leader is in as he walks further into the house. "What the hell happened to him?" He asks with brows furrowing in confusion as he notes Steve's gauntness and his unkempt look. "Is that blood on his shirt?"

Chin sighs. "He's been hurt…"

"Shouldn't we take him to the hospital?" Danny asks.

"I called Max."

Danny starts to argue but stops as he realizes why Chin did what he did. They both didn't know how Steve came to be in this state and bringing him to the hospital would invite questions they could do without…at least not yet. Particularly since the Governor had been up their ass asking where Steve was, seeing that he'd only asked for a week off and he'd been gone for three months already.

It was week two of his absence when they started to wonder why they hadn't heard back from him. And when they finally called Kono to ask for his whereabouts, they were surprised to realize that he'd only stayed there for two days before seemingly dropping off the face of the earth. Even Catherine, with resources at her fingertips hadn't been able to locate him. And now that he's finally shown up, he looks like hell warmed over and injured to boot.

"How did you know he was back?" Danny asks.

"He called me."

To say that he's surprised at this is an understatement, but before he could ask further, they both hear the knock on the door signaling that Max has arrived.

* * *

"He's been shot. Twice. The one on his shoulder indicates that he'd been shot from the front, the bullet cleanly exiting in the back. The one on his right thigh seems to have been from the back. No exit wound which either means the bullet's still in him, hence the fever, or it had been taken out in less than ideal conditions, again, hence the fever."

"Can you fix him?" Danny asks.

"Is there a reason why we shouldn't take him to the hospital?" Max asks without any inflection in his voice.

Both men don't say anything.

"I'll take that as a yes then."

* * *

"You look like hell." Danny tells him bluntly the minute he opens his eyes to see his partner calmly sitting on a chair propped against the wall in his bedroom.

"Yeah? Well I feel like it too." He thinks but doesn't say it out loud. Instead he asks, "What are you doing here?"

"What am I doing he…are you f*cking kidding me?" Danny stands quickly in agitation.

"I'm on leave." He replies succinctly before grimacing as pain from his wounds hit him as he moves to sit up. "How do you even know I'm back?"

Danny looks like he's about to shout something at him but then visibly controls himself. "Oh, so Chin gets to know you're back and I don't?"

He ignores Danny's question and asks, "Where is Chin?"

"I sent him home. To his wife. Who is pregnant! And who happened to get worried sick because Chin high tailed it to here so fast with murder in his eyes!"

He winces as his partner gets progressively louder with each word. "I take it he didn't succeed then…" He answers facetiously.

"You think that's funny? Chin could have…"

He flinches at the censure in his partner's voice. "Probably be better if he did."

It is then that he sees the anger drain from Danny's face. "Listen, I understand what…"

"You understand nothing!" He cuts off Danny with a tired voice.

"Oh but I do." The blonde detective couldn't help but lash back.

He looks at his partner in surprise and when he sees his expression he knows that something monumental has happened while he'd been away. "You do?" He asks slowly.

There's a long pause before Danny sighs loudly and sits back down again. "There were videos…"

"I…" He's not quite sure what to say. Part of the reason why he'd called Chin first was so he could come clean to the older man about his part in driving his cousin away. But when he'd seen through his window that the older man seemed reluctant to get out of his car, he'd come out to ask and had been surprised earlier at the anger in Chin's face when he had seen him and he now realizes why. "Did he…"

"They were sent to him."

The knowledge should have devastated him but all he feels is relief that it's finally out in the open. "So now you both know."

"Steve…"

"He probably hates me." He wonders aloud before looking at his partner again. "_**You**_ probably hate me."

"Steve…"

"If it's any consolation, you both can't possibly hate me more than I hate myself…"

"We don…"

"Or more than Kono hates me…" He cuts him off and looks away.

"You know she doesn't."

He looks back at his partner at that assertion. "She does."

"She was worried when you were gone…we all were."

He laughs humorlessly. "Look, I appreciate that you're trying to make me feel better. But you don't need to lie. I know she hates me. I saw her remember?"

"Is that why you dropped off the face of the earth?"

He looks away and doesn't say anything. "Just leave Danny."

"No, Steven! I won't f*cking leave."

He'd throw him out but he's too tired and too sore. "Suit yourself." He mutters and closes his eyes but remains sitting up on the bed.

"The Governor's been all up our ass looking for you."

He doesn't want to answer but he knows Danny will just keep at it until he says something. "I'm on leave." He repeats his earlier assertion.

"For a week! You asked him for one week! It's been three f*cking months without any word of where you were or if you would even come back!"

"I was busy."

"Doing what? Getting yourself shot?"

"What the f*ck do you want from me Danny?"

"An explanation would be nice."

"I don't owe you one."

"No, you f*cking piece of sh*t! You do owe us an explanation. You know why? Because the last time I checked, you were our Team Leader! Would it have killed you to call first? Or I don't know…leave another letter? Email?"

"Fine! You want an explanation? Here's my explanation! Kono got kidnapped because of me. And then as if that isn't enough. I then f*cking raped her because if I hadn't, they would have. So now she hates me! Do I want to die because of that? Yes! Am I trying to kill myself? No! Not until I kill WoFat with my bare hands." The words, bitter and vitriolic comes flying out of his mouth. "Where did I go? I went to find the bastard because I can't f*cking die yet until I have his head on a pike!"

"It's not your fault she was kidnapped. You were both taken…"

"You really don't get it do you?"

"What? That you have some messianic complex that makes you want to take the blame for everything? Kono's a cop. She knew the risks…"

"But don't you see? It's not because she's a cop that WoFat took her! It's because I lo…" He stops himself from completing the sentence. "It doesn't matter…not anymore." He finishes instead and hopes Danny takes the hint and just leaves him alone.

There is a moment of silence before Danny's voice comes out in a whisper, "It was you…"

"What?" He asks despite himself.

"You're the guy she was seeing…"

"I…" He thinks to deny it but realizes there was no point. After everything that has happened. After everything that he's done…the fact that he'd crossed that particular line is the least of his sins. "We tried to keep it low-key…she…she wanted time to tell Chin…" He finally admits. "But then he escaped…"

"Steve…"

"So I tried to protect her by breaking it off with her…I thought because we kept us a secret that he wouldn't know…" He tells himself to stop talking, but it's as though the dam had broken and the words just keep coming out of his mouth. "But the joke's on me because guess what? He took her anyway. And then he hurt her and threatened to…" It is then that he's unable to continue. "I'm so f*cked up."

"You need to let it go." Danny tells him quietly.

"I can't."

"You have to, because otherwise, that bastard wins."

He ignores what his partner just said. Instead he tells him. "I'm leaving H50."

"And then what? You're gonna spend the rest of your life hunting WoFat down?"

He doesn't bother answering.

"Look at you! You can barely stand up. Max had to cut you open again because that wound in your leg got infected."

"It'll heal."

"Yes and then you're going to get hurt again. Sure, you'll probably heal again but sooner or later, the odds are going to catch up with you. Because guess what? He's got men he can send out to kill you. And you may look the part but you're not Rambo."

"I can just as easily end up dead chasing criminals with H50." He points out.

"That may be true. But at least here you have us as backup."

"What do you want me to do, huh, Danny? You want me to just pretend everything's normal. You want me to forget that WoFat's still out there? Because I can't!" He finally shouts.

"That's not…I didn't say that."

"Then tell me Danny. What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that you don't have to do it alone."

Danny's quietly spoken entreaty cuts through his anger. "I can't have any more people ending up hurt because of me."

"Get over yourself." Danny snaps at him. "You're not that special."

"What?" he asks incredulously.

"You think you're the only one who hates WoFat's guts? Try Chin. Or Kono! Heck, you think I don't hate him too? Because I do. We all do! But you don't see any of us going half-cocked and running around blind trying to find a needle in a haystack with a large f*cking target behind our backs. So just stop being a melodramatic bitch already, go do your f*cking job and let us help you!"

He thinks maybe it's Danny's disgruntled expression that does it…that or the fact that he just called him a bitch. But he suddenly finds himself laughing. And he is so surprised because it's been a while since he heard his own laugh. And it's with relief that he realizes that after everything that's happened, he still can.

* * *

**AN: **I know this is probably not the chapter you were expecting to read but I wanted to explore how Danny and Chin knowing what happened might affect the team's dynamic and this is what my fingers ended up typing. I do hope though that Danny and Steve weren't too OoC here – feel free to tell me otherwise – I welcome feedback good or bad (really!). =) Anyway, I'll try to keep at least a chapter update every week (fingers crossed) and if I fail, I hope you'll all be patient with me and continue reading anyway. Thanks again for the feedback and alerts and favorites. *hugs to all*


	11. I can't make you love me

**Chapter 11: I can't make you love me**

**Disclaimer**: Any character you recognize I do not own.

**AN: **Unbeta'ed so all mistakes are mine.

* * *

_I'll close my eyes, then I won't see the love you don't feel when you're holding me_  
_Morning will come and I'll do what's right, just give me till then to give up this fight_  
_And I will give up this fight_

_Cause I can't make you love me if you don't_  
_You can't make your heart feel something it won't_

_- I Can't Make You Love Me, Bonnie Raitt_

* * *

_**Somewhere in Honolulu...**_

She lies on her bed and stares at the ceiling.

She wills herself not to give in to the urge to call.

* * *

_The sound of the doorbell jarred her out of her reverie. She considered not answering because she's tired and she looked a mess. But then she realized that it could be her cousin, with word about **him** and so she hurried to answer the door._

_Chin's expression made her heart beat violently inside her chest and her fingers tightened unconsciously on the door frame. "Steve?" She makde herself say his name._

_Her cousin sighed heavily before he gently pushed his way inside the house. _

_"Chin?" She asked, trying not to panic at his lack of answer._

_He closed the door and led her to the sofa and then made her look at him. She braced herself for bad news and tried to fight the nausea that threatened to overcome her. _

_"He's back."_

_The words don't make sense to her. He's back? "What?" she whispered in confusion._

_"He's back. Steve's back on the island." _

_She thought maybe it was the shock…because as soon as the words came out, her vision suddenly dimmed and everything faded away._

_When she came to she was in bed and Malia was the one she saw sitting next to her and not her cousin. _

_"How do you feel?" Her cousin-in-law asked as she laid down the book she'd been reading on the side table. _

_"Foolish." She answered wryly when she remembered how she'd fainted at hearing Chin's words. "Where's Chin?" she asked as she sat up._

_"I sent him to get me ice cream. I figured you could do away without the hovering." _

_She smiled at Malia's answer. "Thanks." _

_"Kono…" _

_She tensed at Malia's worried tone. "I'm fine…just…I forgot to eat earlier…" she offered an excuse._

_The older woman sighed heavily as she rubbed her swollen tummy. "Chin is worried about you."_

_"I know. But I do take care of myself. I do." _

_She was grateful that despite the apparent doubt on her face, Malia just nodded in acceptance of her explanation. "Do you remember what happened? What Chin told you?" _

_"Yes. He's back." She tried not to let any emotion be heard from her voice._

_It is then that the older woman reached out to touch her hand. "Are you okay with that?" _

_She knew that Malia was asking more than what her question implied. So she smiled to reassure her. "I'm not leaving again…"_

_The hand holding hers tightened in relief. "I'm glad. Chin…"_

_"I'm sorry for worrying you both." She whispered an apology again. "I just…I had to…" She struggled to explain._

_"I understand."_

_"Is…is he okay? Have you seen him?" she couldn't help but ask. But the other woman's hesitation made her nervous. "He's hurt isn't he?"_

_Malia nodded._

_"Chin?" She hated herself for asking._

_"No…he told me he wanted to…but no, Steve was already hurt when your cousin saw him."_

_Her relief at hearing that it wasn't Chin who hurt Steve was short lived however when she realized something else. "He's been hunting WoFat…"_

_"That's what Chin thinks. He was shot and Max had to cut him open again…one of the wounds was infected…"_

_"One of the wounds? How many times was he shot?" She can't help the note of hysteria from creeping into her voice._

_"Twice. He's resting now. Danny's with him."_

_"I…Okay…" She felt foolish about her reaction. After all, when she sent him away months before, wasn't she supposed to stop worrying about him already? But then again, the fact that she was back in Hawaii at all belied that. Because the minute she realized that he'd been missing, she'd flown back almost immediately, frantic with worry. The months that followed as they chased down lead after lead all but broke her. And now that he's back and hurt…_

_"Do you want to see him?" _

_The question threw her. Did she? _

_Dare she?_

* * *

And so she lies on her bed and stares at the ceiling.

And wills herself not to give in to the urge to call.

* * *

**_On the other side of the city..._**

She lies on his bed and stares at the ceiling.

And wills herself not to give in to the urge to cry.

* * *

_She'd known the truth for months but she just didn't want to accept it. So she had pretended that things were the way they used to be. And she'd told herself that she was okay with having only what little is left over of his feelings for **her**. Months ago, that hadn't been so hard to do because even though she'd seen the cracks on his façade, he'd cared enough to make an effort for it not to happen that often. Months ago, when he'd called her again, she'd fooled herself into believing that **she** had only been a blip on his radar and that he'd finally realized that he belonged with her. _

_But that was then…before they'd been taken. Before he'd come back all broken and in pain, with eyes lost in a place she had no idea how to reach. But she'd tried. She'd tried so very hard because despite herself, she loved him. So even though he told her he had nothing else to offer her she'd foolishly told him it didn't matter. And so she would come…whenever she could…whenever he allowed her to. _

_When he disappeared she'd almost gone out of her mind. She used every means at her disposal to locate him to no avail. And so the minute she heard that he was back, she'd been on the first plane to the island. She'd been so glad to see him that she didn't really even care that while his lips had smiled at her, his eyes had reflected bitter disappointment that it had been her and not… _

_And when he'd taken her to bed later that night with a ferocity that surprised even her, she'd convinced herself that it had meant more to him than physical relief. That she meant more to him…_

_But when it was over and he'd fallen asleep, she heard it…_

_Her name…_

_Whispered in a soft sigh…_

_Spoken so tenderly…_

_Lovingly…_

_Longingly…_

_It was then that she truly realized the futility of her fight. _

_But what can she do? She didn't want to give him up._

* * *

And so she lies on his bed and stares at the ceiling.

And wills herself not to give in to the urge to cry.

* * *

But they both fail.

* * *

Because minutes later someone startles at the sound of ringing with tears in her eyes.

As somewhere else, someone else waits for the phone to be picked up.

* * *

**AN:** Okay, so I've always planned to write Catherine's POV somewhere in this story but couldn't quite figure out where and how to incorporate it. And then I heard this song and it suddenly just came to me and wrote itself out while I was in the middle of coding. I know it's short so I think I'll most likely post another chapter in a day or two (or three) to make up for it (and move the story along).

Anyway, starting this chapter, I'll respond to comments/questions in this section instead of individually (as an experiment - since you know, I can't seem to find the time to do so) and see how it goes.

JJP9 / Martha Smith-Jones / TV-Fanatic97 / Shani8 / bushy4 / Sidalee / Tiana-P/ francis2 - I'm glad you liked reading about Danny and Chin's reactions and that they didn't come out as OoC.

Harleyzgirl – I hope this chapter explains where she was while he was AWOL

fangirl - As for how many more chapters this story will have, I had originally thought it to be 15 so let's see if I can manage to stick to that plan. =)

Guest1 – Yeah, Danny's a real character =)

Guest2 – Thanks. I'm flattered.

Thanks as well to my silent readers (and those who've commented in previous chapters but aren't included in the above list. I truly appreciated all your input. Till next update.


	12. Tell me lies

**Chapter 12. Tell me lies**

AN: Anything you recognize from H50 I do not own. Unbeta'ed so all mistakes are mine.

* * *

_It's in your eyes, feelings can't be disguised_

_'Cause the truth makes me want you to tell me lies_

_My biggest fear is crying oceans of tears_

_I would rather you not be so sincere_

_-Tell Me Lies, Ashley Tisdale_

* * *

"Kono?"

She freezes at the sound of Catherine's voice over the phone. She tries to answer but he throat seems to have seized up all of a sudden.

"Why can't you just leave him alone?"

The sharpness of the other woman's tone stuns her. What right does she have to ask her that? Who does she think she is? But as swiftly as her anger comes, it leaves just as quickly when she realizes that she does have a right after all. Because she's the one who's lying beside him right now. And she's the one he apparently called the minute he came back. She wills herself to hang up the phone without saying anything, if only to keep what's left of her pride, but…

"How is he?" The question is torn out of her because she has to know…needs to know.

"What do you think?"

She doesn't miss the sarcasm in Catherine's voice. "Why are you so angry?" She asks.

"Because it's your fault he's like this!"

Kono flinches at the way the other woman's voice breaks at the last word. And she wants to defend herself. That it's not her fault. She wants to tell _her _that she's suffering too. And she starts to, "I…"

But Catherine is relentless. "He needs to move on and the only way he can is if you let him go!"

_But I have. _She almost says aloud but she bites her lips because they both know that the fact that she's even making this call says otherwise.

There is a long silence on both ends before Catherine speaks again. "Kono…"

She thinks maybe she's only imagining the sudden softening of the other woman's voice so she stops her before she can speak further. After all, she can only take so much of the woman's bitter words. "I won't call again…just…" She swallows the lump in her throat and makes herself continue. "Just take care of him." She mentally congratulates herself for managing to say the words without her inner turmoil seeping through before hanging up.

And then she curls up in her bed and wills herself not to give in to the urge to cry.

* * *

She feels wretched. She tells herself she didn't do anything wrong. After all, if Steve had wanted _**her**_ to be here, she would have been. And she tells herself that if Steve hadn't wanted her here, he'd have told her to go instead of taking her to bed. So really, she didn't do anything wrong. But the memory of the sound of Kono's voice as she asks her to take care of him makes a mockery of her self-justificationl. She almost gives in to the urge to call the other woman back…almost…

"Who was that?" Steve's sleepy voice breaks through her musings and she nearly drops his phone.

_No one._ The words catch in her throat before she can utter it. She makes herself put his phone back onto the nightstand and wills her hand not to tremble. She thinks maybe she won't be able to lie to him but when she finally makes herself look at him and she sees the hopeful look he is trying to mask in his eyes she steels her resolve. "Danny…just checking up on you." She is surprised at the ease with which the lie rolls off her tongue.

"Oh…"

She tells herself that the sudden twinge she feels somewhere in the vicinity of her chest when she sees the sudden dulling of his eyes at her words is nothing more than gas. And she tells herself that the smile she gives him isn't as forced as she thinks it is. And when she snuggles up to him and lays her head on his chest, she tells herself she's doing so because she wants to be close to him and not because she's not sure if her perfidy isn't visible on her face and so she needs to hide it from his gaze.

And when he settles back to sleep, she wills herself not to wallow in her guilt.

* * *

They both fail.

* * *

Chin freezes in the process of opening the front door when he sees that Steve has his gun cocked and pointed at him. "I take it your offer to let me hit you no longer stands?" He asks sardonically as he meets his team leader's gaze.

"Sorry…" Steve offers sheepishly as he thumbs the safety back on and puts his gun on the table. "Force of habit."

Chin tamps down the urge to ask why and how he's re-developed the habit. "I came by this morning…" he tells Steve instead.

"You did?" Steve asks him in surprise.

"I caught Catherine as she was about to leave and told her not to disturb you." He's unable to hide the censure in his voice. Steve visibly flinches at his words and he wills himself not to react because he's not supposed to know that his team leader was in fact the boyfriend his cousin had been hiding from him a couple of months back.

Of course, Steve has always been smart and he's not surprised when the former Navy SEAL meets his gaze squarely. "You knew?"

"Not at first…just…" he stops because if he continues he knows it would mean that they would have to get into what had happened between the younger man and his cousin and he's not entirely rational about that whole business just yet. So he wills the other man not to go there as he clenches his fists.

"Danny told me there were videos."

Of course he goes there and Chin has to force himself to unclench his fists. "Yes." That single word is all he can manage. The other man surprises him however when he picks up the gun on the table and proceeds to offer it up to him with the barrel pointed the other way. He raises his eyebrow at the younger man.

"Just put a damned bullet in me and get it over with."

He expects the former SEAL to flinch when he reaches out to take the gun and points it at him.

He doesn't.

So he cocks it and puts his forefinger on the trigger.

Steve doesn't even blink.

"Do it."

It is the look of pain he sees in the other man's eyes and not the steely challenge in his voice that Chin chooses to focus on and so he thumbs the safety back on and puts the gun back down on the table between them. "Your death wouldn't solve anything." He means to make the words gentle, but the memory of his cousin's torture makes it impossible to do so.

Steve gives a heavy sigh. "I guess not."

It takes a couple of minutes of silence before the question Chin knows is coming finally does. "How is she?"

"Catherine looked okay when I saw her this morning." He answers, deliberately misunderstanding.

Steve grimaces. "I didn't ask her to come."

"Did I say otherwise?"

"What the hell do you want me to say Chin?"

"To me? Nothing. It's none of my business. But to my cousin…" He bites back the rest of the sentence because he promised Kono he wouldn't do this.

Steve laughs. The kind of laugh that's painful to hear because it is without humor. "I'm sorry…it's just…" The former SEAL tries to stop laughing. "Your cousin f*cking hates even the ground I walk on…you really think she wants to listen to anything else I have to say anymore?"

He tells himself not to say anything. But the memory of Kono's reaction at hearing that Steve got shot comes back to him. And despite his feelings in the matter, he knows that whatever else they might say to the contrary, they both still care about each other. And really, the only way they could both heal from the ordeal is if both of them do it together.

Still, he needs to ask. "And Catherine?"

* * *

"What are you doing here?" Kono asks Danny when she finds him on her front door the next day.

"You look like hell." He ignores her question and greets her with his blunt observation.

She would protest but she knows he's right. "Thanks," she mutters before moving to let him in.

"Why aren't you dressed yet?" He asks.

She looks at him in surprise. "Dressed? For what?"

He gives her an exasperated look. "Oh come on! You've been beside yourself the whole time he's been gone, don't tell me you're not even gonna go see him now?"

She doesn't say anything, hoping her silence is enough of an answer.

"Kono…"

"I can't." She finally answers.

"Can't? Or won't?"

"Can't!"

"And why is that?" he asks.

She wants to tell him about Catherine's words but that would only invite more questions from him so she just shrugs and avoids his gaze.

"He's really hurt you know…" He tells her quietly.

"Okay." She answers because what else can she say.

"So that's it?" Danny's voice rises unexpectedly. "That's the best you can do?"

"What do you want from me Danny?"

"You know what? Nothing… I don't even know why I bother with you both."

His obvious disappointment almost makes her give in and tell him about her talk with Catherine…almost. "Just...just let me know how he is…"

Danny looks at her like he can't believe what she's asking of him. "No. I'm not going back here to tell you how he is. If you really want to know, go see him yourself. I'm done."

It takes her almost an hour before she could make herself move after Danny leaves.

* * *

_He dreamt about her all the time…about their first and only night together. Most days he wished he never wakes up. But always, cold reality rouses him._

_He felt the soft arms wrapped around him and thought he was still dreaming. And so he tightened his arms around her and buried his face on her neck to inhale her scent. He froze because she smelled different. _

_And when he opened his eyes a different face stared up at him. The disappointment he felt was so sharp he knew that he'd failed in masking it from his face. But instead of drawing away, she forced a smile and acted as though he didn't just mentally slap her with his apologetic look. It was then that he realized just how badly he screwed up in accepting comfort from her last night. _

"_How are you feeling? Much better I hope." She asked and continued on without waiting for his answer. "Are you hungry? I can make you breakfast." She offered as she turned to avoid his gaze on the pretext of looking for her clothes._

"_Cath…" he moved to gently touch her back. She stiffened at his touch and he felt like a heel. But he already had a hard time looking at himself in the mirror and if he continued this, pretty soon, he won't be able to look at all._

"_Don't." She whispers._

"_Cath…"_

_But she had already locked herself in the bathroom. When she finally emerged, she was all dressed and had her warpaint on. _

"_Hey! It was fun while it lasted huh?" She looked at him with an overly bright smile that didn't quite reach her eyes._

_So he nodded because what else could he do? "I'm so…"_

_She stopped him from apologizing by putting a hand over his mouth. "No, I'm sorry." She told him instead._

_He wasn't quite sure what she was apologizing for because it was all on him. Just like it was all on him that Kono… He forcibly stopped himself from going there because it seemed even more disrespectful to the woman before him. _

"_Well I have a ship to catch so…I guess I'll see you around Sailor!" _

_He pretended he didnt' hear the falseness of the cheer in her voice. He thought maybe he should have done more…said more…after all, they had been together for years. It seemed a poor way to end things but the least he could do was to allow her to leave the way she wanted to. _

_And so he smiled and let her go without saying anything more._

* * *

AN: Aack! I know I promised to update sooner rather than later but well…RL has a way of throwing schedules out the door huh? Anyway, I hope you're still interested in reading. I think we may be nearing the completion on the project we're currently working on so more time to update..yay! I know this fic is just so full of angst and there doesn't seem to be any respite in sight…but there will be I promise (hopefully by the next chapter if my muses cooperate). Again, thanks for all the feedback and do let me know what you think. (update to OUaK will be out in a day or so, fingers crossed).

bushy4 – well, here's Catherine part II , oh and yes of course, K still loves S

pearlofeuphoria – glad you still love this fic (even if it got a bit confusing about which perspective is which in the last chapter)

guests 1&2 – thanks for taking the time out to leave feedback, I really appreciate it

TVFanatic97 – I was a bit hesitant about that cause I know it could (and did) get confusing, especially in my use of 'her' but I hope I didn't do too badly.

francis2 – I know it's sad but hopefully, things will start to look up

Shani8 - Although I'm not a big fan of Catherine for Steve, I didn't want to write her in the usual 'other-woman' mold so I'm glad you liked how I did it – and I hope the way I continued to write her here is still believable and in character and that even if she did something bad, you could at least understand where she's coming from

fairgirl – Kono's reunion with Steve is upcoming – not quite sure if it'll be something you're expecting though

Tiana-P – Glad you appreciated how I wrote Catherine (and I'm sorry I suck at leaving feedback myself – haven't had time to read other fics the last couple of weeks but I'm saving your updates as they come for when I can finally sit back and relax and read all those fics I've been missing…have a long vacation coming up in a couple of week's time so looking forward to reading all the lovely stories).


	13. Fix you

**Chapter 13: Fix you**

**Disclaimer**: Any character you recognize I do not own.

**AN:**Unbeta'ed so all mistakes are mine.

* * *

_When you lose something you can't replace__  
__When you love someone, but it goes to waste__  
__Could it be worse?_

_Lights will guide you home__  
__And ignite your bones__  
__And I will try to fix you__And high up above or down below__  
__When you're too in love to let it go_

_-Fix You, Coldplay_

* * *

He knows he's already late. That he shouldn't even still be sitting where he is because he's already promised them that he'd be there. But he can't make himself move.

He thinks he might have finally lost it. Because he swears that he's just seen her walking along the beach by his house and that's just impossible. Besides, it couldn't possibly be her. Why would she be back? He'd blame it on the meds that Malia has prescribed him for his wounds but since he hadn't really been taking them…

So he knows he's hallucinating. He misses her so badly that he's imagining her everywhere. He wishes he could just leave the island and fly back to where she is but he'd promised her that he'd stay away. And even though every part of him yearns for even just a glimpse of her, he can't make himself disappoint her once again by breaking another promise. He's already broken too many promises as it is. So he grits his teeth and tries not to blink as the figment of his imagination walk further away.

He doesn't make a move to chase after her because at least then he wouldn't have definitive proof that he's really going crazy.

* * *

"Have you told him?" Danny asks Chin as they wait for their team leader to show up at HQ. It's been a week and today is Steve's official first day back on the force. The Governor is rightly pissed but finally (reluctantly) welcomes him back.

"I was going to…" The older man answers quietly. "But Catherine…"

Danny frowns at this. "Catherine?"

"I saw her leave his house."

"Well, she was worried about him when he was AWOL…it doesn't mean…"

"I asked him. And he didn't deny it."

"How is she holding up?" The blonde detective asks, because he hasn't been by to see Kono since he told her to get off of her ass and see for herself how Steve's doing.

"You know her."

"Does she know about Catherine?"

Chin shrugs. "She's been hurt enough."

Danny shakes his head in frustration. It's patently clear to him that his teammates (he still considers her part of the team even if she refuses to come back) still feel something for each other, in spite of or maybe even because of what had happened to them. "But is it really your call?" He doesn't mean to say it aloud but it slips out.

"She's my cousin." Chin answers as if that explains everything.

And Danny supposes it does. Truth be told, he's still waiting for the other shoe to drop even though for all intents and purposes, Chin has made peace with their team leader. It's something he knows will take time because he still wakes up some nights in cold sweat with the image of those videos branded behind his eyelids and with it the surge of fresh anger for WoFat goes through him again. They still have no idea where the bastard's gone but he knows it will only be a matter of time before they'll have him.

* * *

She tells herself she's only here because she misses the beach. But her excuse wears thin because not only is this not the only stretch of beach in the area, it's also nowhere near where she lives. She tells herself she shouldn't even be anywhere near where she is at the moment because it had been her decision to send him away so she has no business even thinking about coming to see him again. Yet even with Catherine's entreaty still fresh in her mind, she finds herself resolutely going ahead. But when she sees the outline of his house in the distance, her steps falter because he's there and he's staring at her. And she waits to see if he recognizes her from the distance but he doesn't make a move. He is so still for so long that she realizes that he's lost in thought. She tells herself it's relief she feels that he's oblivious to her presence but the sharp ache in her chest tells her otherwise.

So before she can change her mind, she quickly turns around and walks back the way she came from.

Because even though every part of her aches for him and misses him, she's still not ready after all.

* * *

"Gee, you're way too early for next day's shift." Danny greets him sarcastically as soon as he makes his way to HQ.

"Good day to you too, Danny." He answers without heat because he is after all several hours late. His steps falter when he sees the mountain of paperwork on his desk…or what looks to be his desk because he really can't tell, buried as it is with folders upon folders of what he assumes are case files. Surely he hasn't been gone _**that**_ long…has he?

Danny smiles maniacally at the stunned expression on his face. "Surprise!"

"What? You both suddenly lose the ability to do your paperwork?" He asks them incredulously.

"And save you the trouble? I don't think so."

"Glad to finally have you back Steve." Chin greets him with a quiet smile.

He nods in appreciation of the fact that the older man has managed to sound sincere in his greeting, even though… He stops himself from going there again because Danny's right. Dwelling on what had happened wouldn't solve anything and he'll be damned if he lets WoFat take more of him and his team than he already has.

* * *

The three of them get back to the old groove somewhat…considering the glaring absence of one member. As always, the Governor keeps at him to find her replacement and it takes him another week before he finally accepts that maybe she really isn't coming back.

Ever.

He tells Chin first because he owes him and it is his cousin who's going to be replaced after all. The older man looks to be on the verge of saying something when Danny joins them. And when the other man hears of his decision to finally go ahead with the search for another team member, he too seems to be about to say something.

But before either men can voice whatever it is, the Governor is suddenly in their midst.

And he is not alone.

* * *

She thinks maybe she's borderline pathetic for being here. To say that they're surprised at her appearance is a massive understatement. She tries not to look at Steve directly because she's afraid of what she's going to see in his eyes. But she does manage to meet Danny's gaze long enough to see horror on his face. She wonders at this because surely, the prospect of her being here couldn't be all that bad for the team could it? Of course, she wonders no longer when she sees Chin's expression.

But she strives for composure because what else can she do?

* * *

"Chin." He calls as the older man hurriedly makes his way to the door the minute the Governor and their new team member leave.

"Not now Steve." Chin tells him without turning around.

"I had no idea." He explains even though he knows he doesn't need to.

He sees the quiet anger in Chin's face as his teammate turns to face him. "Really?"

"Hey!" Danny finally catches up to them.

"Look, I was as surprised as you both were."

"You know, I really have no problem with having her replaced because she's been gone a long time and she doesn't want to come back. But having her replaced by your..."

"Chin!" Danny's voice cuts sharply into the older man's rant before he finishes his sentence.

"What?" Chin turns his anger on Danny. "You don't think she's going to be hurt if she finds out about this?"

"She probably wouldn't fin…" Danny offers.

"It's a small island! Of course she would…" Chin interrupts the blonde detective.

"What do you mean she would?" He finally manages to get in a word, his confusion evident. "_Who's __**she**__?"_

The two men freeze.

The silence that follows is almost deafening. And it is then that it finally dawns on him. "She's really here isn't she?" his voice comes out hoarsely.

"Steve…" It is Danny who finally turns to look at him.

He sees the truth in his partner's eyes. "How long?" He asks.

Neither Danny and Chin answer.

"How long?" This time he shouts.

"Does it even matter?" Chin asks.

He looks at the older man in question. Of course it matters. How can he think it doesn't? "What the hell Chin?"

"What? You're the one who called in your girlfriend to replace my cousin in the team!"

"What?! "

"Just…" Chin visibly tries to control his temper. "I need to go." He finally says before turning to walk away.

He's too stunned to go after the older man again.

Danny just shakes his head and makes to a motion to follow the older man.

"I didn't know." He explains again.

But both his teammates have already walked away.

* * *

She doesn't find out who her replacement is from her cousin. Neither does she find out from Danny.

She finds out from the replacement herself.

"What are you doing here?" She asks the older woman when she finds her standing on her front door.

"I'm staying for good."

"And you're telling me this because?" She mentally pats herself on the back when the question comes out politely.

"I'm their new teammate."

The words are like knives to her chest and she finds herself having difficulty breathing. But she manages not to let any emotion show on her face as she raises an eyebrow at the visitor that she's still refusing entry into her home. "Again, you're telling me this because?"

If the older woman is surprised at her lack of reaction she doesn't show it. "I…" she starts.

She considers waiting for her to finish but she finds she doesn't really have it in her to listen. So she closes the door to Catherine's face, not caring the least that what she just did is very rude. And even though she still can't breathe from the pain of the other woman's words, she manages a smile of satisfaction when she doesn't immediately hear the sound of footsteps walking away from her door. "Good!" she thinks to herself. "Maybe she'll think twice about coming here again."

* * *

"What are you doing here?" he asks when he finds her at his door.

Her smile falters at the coldness in his voice. "I…" She finds herself unable to continue when she realizes he's not moving to let her in. They stare at each other without speaking but it's obvious from his body language that he doesn't want her here. She tries to make a joke to save face but words of levity wouldn't form on her lips. Instead she hears herself say, "You know that she's never coming back to the team."

"I know." He answers quietly.

The pain that flares in his eyes at her words guts her. And she tells herself to cut her losses and leave with what's left of her pride. But it seems she hasn't yet met her quota of humiliation for the day because she still asks, "Aren't you going to let me in?" even as a part of her shrivels at the desperation she hears in her voice.

"Catherine…"

And even though he doesn't say anything more, she knows she already has her answer. But like a fool who doesn't know when to quit, she tells him. "If she really loved you she'd be here." She knows she's being petty and that it's a shitty thing to say but she just wants him to realize the folly of pining for someone who's never gonna love him back. (The irony of the situation doesn't escape her but she's in way too deep to think of bailing now).

He seems to freeze at her words at first.

But then what she sees next stuns her.

Because instead of the anger or dejection she's expecting, his expression morphs into something else…

She blinks because she can't believe what it is she's seeing.

The bastard is smiling.

* * *

**AN:** Aaack! I know this is sooooo late and probably not even worth the long wait. I had this written a while back but didn't want to post it without the update to OUaK (and since I really didn't have time to write that one… *sigh*). Anyway, I'll try to do better (I have vacation coming up in a couple of days so I'll make sure to write some chapters). As usual, thanks for continuing to support this story (even with my erratic updating of late).

_TVFanatic97_ – Thanks for always leaving me feedback. I truly appreciate it. And yeah, writing Catherine is a challenge for me cause I'm still not quite sure if I want her to be pitied or hated. LOL.

_Sidalee_ – I'm so happy you're still reading this and you're still finding my characterizations believable. I hope this chapter lives up to that as well.

_robinh_ – I know this story is quite heavy but I hope not too heavy as to be frustrating =) I think maybe the next chapter will be much more upbeat (fingers crossed)

_Shani8_ – As usual, your feedback is very much appreciated. Anyway, I think maybe your 'dislike' of Catherine might be warranted – especially with this chapter.

_LiCS & Guests_ – Thank you for taking the time to leave me feedback. I hope you still like how I wrote Catherine here (as far as consistency in her characterization is concerned anyway). I rather think that even women with the best intentions and good heart do occasionally become mean and/or desperate when they're in love with someone who's in love with someone else. *sigh*

_Rebecca List_ – Sorry for not responding to your PM – but here's the update. I hope it doesn't disappoint (much).

PS: Update to OUaK will be sometime this weekend (I promise) - it's partially written and I will definitely make time to finish it by hook or by crook.


	14. I still love you

**Chapter 14: I Still Love You**

**Disclaimer**: Any character you recognize I do not own.

**AN: **Unbeta'ed so all mistakes are mine.

* * *

_But there's no use in dying_

_Things between us, you can't hide_

_A stranger's hand weighs upon your mind_

_I can't stand the pain assume your love_

_I still love you_

_The fact still remains, time will tell_

_I still love you_

_You can't see him_

_But he's there – inside_

_I Still Love You (Prince of Persia OST), Stuart Chatwood / Inon Zur_

* * *

"Hey!" Danny greets her when she opens the door to him.

"Hey." She greets back as she moves to let him in and walks towards the kitchen. "Want anything to drink?" she asks as she makes her way to the ref.

"Soda if you have it." He answers as he sits down.

"Here." She offers as she too sits across from him, a glass of water in her hand.

They don't say anything for a while, until finally, "You've heard about Catherine?" he asks.

She freezes and tries to regulate her breathing so her inner turmoil doesn't show on her face. She tries to answer but no words come so she just nods. She feels rather than sees Danny's intense scrutiny of her as she avoids his gaze and focus on the glass on her hand instead.

"That's it?" He asks, frustration evident in his voice. "That's your reaction? Just a f*cking nod in acknowledgment?"

She finally looks at him. "How should I react then?" she asks.

"For f*cks's sake Kono!" He shouts.

And suddenly it is too much for her. "What the hell do you want from me Danny?"

"I want you to f*cking show some emotion!" He tells her. "Because if you think acting like some pod person who doesn't care about anything anymore is healthy, I am telling you that it's not!"

"You want emotion?" She finally shouts at him. "I'll show you emotion!" she screams as she stands up and throws her glass on the wall. "You think I want to be this person? You think it's fun for me to be this way?" She rants. "It's not! But it's all I can do because if I don't…" She is seething with anger and frustration. "If I don't…"

And then she has to stop because suddenly he's there and he's wrapping his arms around her and she thinks this whole thing should feel awkward as hell given the disparity in their statures but she's suddenly too tired to hold herself together and before she knows it her knees are buckling and he has somehow managed to half drag, half carry her towards the sofa. And then she's breaking down and she's crying on his shoulder. "I don't know how to be normal anymore…" she whimpers as his arms tighten around her.

"Shhh…" he whispers to her as he lets her cry. "Just let it all out."

She doesn't know how long she cries but finally…eventually…the tears stop falling. "You want to know the f*cked up part?" She asks.

"What?" He asks, unmindful of the wetness seeping through his shirt from all her crying.

"It's not even the…" she stops because she can't quite say the word. "What happened when we were taken…" she continues.

"He didn't want to…" he tries to defend Steve.

"No, you don't understand…" she cuts him off. "That's not what's messed me up…"

He pulls away to look at her. "What do you mean?"

"Before we got taken…we…" She begins to explain but stops when she realizes what that look on his face means. "You know?"

"Chin and I figured it out…" Danny answers reluctantly.

"When he went to see me he told me that he broke it off because he was trying to protect me and that it was never about Catherine. That he's always loved me. That he still loves me." She laughs as she says this. "Can you believe that?"

"Kono…"

"I was hurt and so angry at him that I sent him away." She continues. "And I told myself I didn't love him anymore."

"Kono…"

"But the joke's on me because the minute he went missing I act like a sorry lovesick fool and fly back here. And I've spent every minute of every day regretting my decision to send him away because after everything that's happened I realized that I still love him. How crazy is that?"

* * *

"What do you want Steve?" Chin asks when he sees him at his doorstep but stops the other man from answering immediately by signaling for them to move outside and then gently closing the door behind him.

He doesn't answer until they're both standing by his car. "I just wanted to talk."

"If this is about Catherine…"

"It's not." He cuts him off.

Chin sighs at this. "Look Steve, I'm sorry I went off on you about this. You're the Team Leader and I respect that and if you feel that she's the best one for the job then…"

"We both know she's not. But…just so you know. I really had no idea that she's gone to the Governor to ask for a spot on the team."

"So she asked?" The older man frowns as he says this.

He nods. "But since we're not together anymore, I couldn't really say no and I guess I owe it to her too to give her a chance…"

Chin looks surprised at this.

"If it's any consolation, it won't be permanent until after an evaluation." He offers.

"Ok."

There is silence for a while as they both stare at some spot on the horizon.

"How is she?" He finally gets around to asking what he came here for.

Chin doesn't say anything.

"I know I have no right to ask after everything that's happened…" He tries to rush through his explanation before the older man thinks to cut him off. "And I know you probably wouldn't believe me but I do love her. I'm still in love with her."

* * *

"He does love you, you know." Danny tells her.

She laughs without humor. "But he loves Catherine more. I get it."

He wants to say otherwise but he's not entirely sure anymore, given the other woman's presence in the island. Still, the memory of Steve's face when he admitted to him about their relationship when he was convincing him not to quit H50 gives him a reason to insist. "You don't know that."

"She's here isn't she?"

"Maybe it's only 'cause he doesn't know you're here too."

She doesn't say anything for a while.

"Look, all I know is when you sent him away, he went crazy enough to go after Wo Fat by himself."

"Maybe it's…"

"No, Kono. That's what I was trying to tell you before. I already knew he broke things off with you to protect you."

"What?"

"He told me when I stayed to look after him when he came back all injured."

"But Catherine…"

"I don't know how she figures in all of this. But believe me when I tell you that Steve does love you."

"No you don't understand…"

"But I do."

"No, you don't." She insists. "Catherine…she told me…"

"She what?"

* * *

"So why aren't you telling her that?" Chin asks him quietly.

"Because she hates my guts…"

"Do you honestly believe that?" The older man cuts him off.

"I…" He falters.

"Doesn't the fact that she came back the minute she heard you went off the grid tell you anything at all?"

"I hoped… but…I guess I needed to hear it from someone else too…"

"Look. I'm not your greatest fan right now. In fact, I'm still on the fence about hating your guts knowing everything that's happened to Kono because of you…but even I know that you're both miserable without each other."

"Chin…"

"No, listen. I love Kono and despite whatever I might feel about this whole thing, I think you two need each other. To heal, to move on or just simply be, I really don't know. If you're staying away from her because of me, I'm telling you right now that I won't be in the way."

"I…"

"I'm not done." The older man cuts him off and stares at him. "Look me in the eye and tell me Catherine is not an issue."

"Catherine is not an issue." He meets Chin's gaze without flinching for the longest time, until finally, the older man nods and hands him a piece of paper.

"That's where she's staying right now. She's normally by the beach until just before sunset so if you don't make too much of a noise with your car, she won't have time to leave before she realizes you're there."

"I..." He falters. "Thanks Chin." he finally manages.

"Just make her smile again and we'll call it even."

* * *

She breathes in the smell of salt water as she stands motionless with her toes in the water. She's been standing by the water's edge for some time as she tries to come to terms with her talk with Danny. She feels lighter for having been able to share her inner turmoil with someone else. That that someone else is Danny should probably feel weird but strangely enough, it isn't. She loves Chin dearly but she couldn't quite share such things with him. Maybe it's because he's more like an older brother or even a father figure than a cousin which makes it harder for her.

The truth is, she herself knows that Steve does love her. Despite her insistence to the contrary, she did feel it that night. But she'd still been smarting from his betrayal that she'd let her anger drive him away. That she still loves him is not something new. She knew the minute he left that she still did. That she still does love him. That she never really stopped. And when he'd gone missing, she told herself she'd tell him as soon as he came back.

Only…Catherine beat her to it.

"_Maybe it's only 'cause he doesn't know you're here too." _Danny's words come back to her.

It was true after all. He didn't know she'd come back. She'd sent him away and he probably thought she hated his guts. So why then shouldn't he take Catherine up on her offer? Maybe if she had gone to him…

She sighs loudly at the direction her thoughts are taking. Speculating about what might have been is pointless. The real question she needs to be asking herself is whether she's really prepared to just let him go and to allow Catherine to win. Can she really stand to see Catherine, not only take her place in the team, but also to take her place by Steve's side?

But before she can answer herself, she hears it.

Her name, whispered softly behind her by an achingly familiar voice.

"Kono…"

She slowly turns and sees…

…him.

She closes her eyes and opens them again slowly…because she's not entirely sure he's here and not conjured up by her imagination.

"Steve?"

* * *

**AN:** Back from the vacation (not entirely restful cause I got sick – thanks to the awful weather here) and had some time to write an update. I know I said it would be more upbeat but yeah…not quite…Still, I hope you like it (even if nothing much really happens) - I promise a longer chapter next time.

_Lissazara_ – Lol. Got a huge smile when I read your comment because I had Catherine say that line specifically to help Steve realize that important fact.

_Sidealee_ – As usual, I really appreciate your taking time out to read and comment on my fic(s). I'm happy that you think my writing isn't out of character for them and that you like my version of Catherine even if she's not exactly nice. LOL.

_Jackyxoxo_ – here's more.

_Lanteaddicted_ – thanks

_TVFanatic97_ – Ooh, I haven't really read any H50 spoilers yet so I didn't know P Lenkov had said she wouldn't be part of the team (but… yay!)

_Guest 1_ – Thanks for your wonderful comments and I hope you continue to be captivated (fingers crossed).

_Fairgirl_ – Yeah, Catherine is something alright

_Guest 2_ – McKono reunion in the next chapter

_Robinh_ – Glad you like my use of Catherine's character to move the story along. Thanks for taking time out to read and review

_Titaundomiel_ – I'm happy to know that this is your favorite. Thank you!

_Guest 3_ – thanks for reviewing

_Shani8_ - At least, Cath's not in this chapter (well…not really, LOL)

_Lydia_ – welcome back! Thought you'd had it with my fics, glad you're still reading

_Francis2_ – I'm sorry if the way I write POVs are sometimes confusing =( I'll try not to be in the future =)

_Harleyzgirl_ – Glad you liked the ending of the last chapter. As for bringing them back – this chapter sets it up. Hope you continue reading.

Again, thanks to all who're reading, commenting, adding to favorite & following. Until next update. PS. Update to OUaK this weekend.


	15. I need you

**Chapter 15: I Need You**

**Disclaimer**: Any character you recognize I do not own.

**AN:**Unbeta'ed so all mistakes are mine.

* * *

_I need you like water, like breath, like rain__  
__I need you like mercy from heaven's gate_

_There's a freedom in your arms __  
__That carries me through__  
__I need you_

_I Need You, LeAnn Rhimes_

* * *

"Steve?" She whispers when she sees that he's still standing there.

He doesn't say anything. He just stares at her like she's water to a man dying of thirst. He takes a step closer and her breath hitches.

He's really here!

She'd tried to imagine how their reunion would play out. He'd smile at her and she'd run to him and she'd tell him how much she regretted sending him away. And then he'd wrap his arms around her and she'd tell him that she loved him. That she _still_ loved him. But she finds herself unable to move as he steps even closer.

And when he's finally in front of her…

"You bastard!" She screams as she hits him – hard! "You selfish, arrogant bastard!" She is suddenly seething as all the emotions she's repressed since she found out he'd been missing comes pouring out.

"Kono…" To say that he's surprised at her violent reaction is an understatement.

"If you'd wanted to die you could have just told me. I have a gun! I could have just shot you and got it over and done with!" She fumes, uncaring that she probably sounds (and looks) crazy.

"I didn't think…" he starts to say but she cuts him off.

"You didn't think? What? That people around you actually cared if you lived or died?" She can't stop the words from escaping her lips. "Where do you get off being such a selfish, uncaring asshole!" And then she's hitting him on his chest with her fists over and over again. "Fight back!" she tells him, but he's just standing there and taking it all without stopping her. And when he winces when one of her fists lands on the shoulder where he'd been shot, her anger melts away and concern takes over. "Oh my God!" she whispers. "I'm so…" She starts to apologize.

But then he's wrapping his arms around her and then whispering the words "I'm so sorry…" over and over again against her hair. And so she tries to push him away but when his hold on her tightens, it just dawns on her.

He's alive!

And he's here!

And when she breathes in his scent, it's all she can do to hold back her tears because the relief she feels is almost overwhelming. And then she too is wrapping her arms around him because she needs to feel him. Because she realizes that she doesn't really care about anything else anymore – she doesn't care that he'd hurt her to protect her or that Catherine is on the island.

Because he's here! And it's been way too long since she'd felt his arms around her and it just feels so good!

And before she can think about it further, she finds herself moving so she could hold his face between her hands and then she's rising on her tiptoes so she can kiss him.

She feels his momentary surprise at her actions before he's kissing her back and then he's lifting her up and she's wrapping her legs around his waist. She feels him start to walk towards…she doesn't know where and she really doesn't care.

Because his lips on hers taste so good and his warmth is seeping through her shirt and thawing her long frozen insides.

* * *

He knows he shouldn't even think about doing what he's thinking of doing…but when she wraps her legs around his waist, there's really very little thinking involved…at least, not on his part. Her lips on his feel so unbelievably good and it's everything he needs and misses and more. And with her arms around him he knows that all is right in his world again.

He's not exactly sure where the heck he's walking to but he just knows he needs to find the next available hard surface to lay her on or maybe hold her against and his legs are trembling because the wound on his thigh is still healing after all, although it could probably (most likely) be due to the fact that he's so f*cking hot for her he's shaking like an addict in quick need of a fix.

And then his feet are hitting the steps to her back porch and he's glad he didn't stumble. And he's trying to navigate without actually looking because their lips are still attached and he doesn't want to let hers go for fear that her sanity will return and he'll find himself being sent away again. He's wondering where the f*ck the wall to her house is when his shin hits something hard and he realizes dimly (since he's probably in danger of passing out from lack of oxygen) that it's some kind of furniture…a chair maybe or a table…and he briefly considers laying her on it but it's too low and then…thank f*ck they (finally) hit the wall because his legs are about to give out.

He doesn't want to but he knows he needs to stop kissing her long enough to actually take in air. He's half expecting her to retreat but her pupils are blown and he knows his are probably blown as well and when his gaze drops to her swollen lips, he's kissing her again and he doesn't really care if he never breathes again at all. He's grateful that the sun has set and that she hasn't had time to turn the porch lights on and so the rapidly descending darkness cloaks them somewhat because he's past the point of actually caring about passers-by or neighbors actually seeing them go at it against the f*cking wall.

He breaks the kiss so he can trail his lips down to her neck. And when he feels the frantic beating of her pulse against his mouth it's all he could do not to sink his teeth into her…so acute is his need to mark her so she can never **ever** send him away again. Instead he just sweeps his tongue across her pulse point and her taste makes him growl in hunger. The fire is in his blood and in his gut and he's not entirely sure he's still sane because he f*cking sucks on her flesh with a craving that's bordering on pain.

The broken whimper that escapes her lips makes him freeze. And when he lifts his head up he sees the bruise that's already forming on her neck and he realizes that he's probably hurt her. And all at once everything comes back to him and he feels even worse than he had when he'd...

He feels like an animal because what kind of a person does this to the woman he loves?

* * *

It takes her a moment to realize that he's stopped kissing her and when she opens her eyes, she sees his stricken expression and she starts to ask. But her mouth is too dry and she can't make her tongue work to actually formulate words. It's when he gently disentangles her lower limbs from him that it dawns on her that he's probably thinking that he's hurt her and that it's actually self-loathing she sees on his face.

"No…" She's finally able to speak as she tightens her grip on his forearms.

"I hurt you…" his voice comes out hoarsely.

"No!" The words come out more forcefully because she knows he's retreating back to the memory of their first time together. And she can't let him withdraw from her. She just can't! Not now. Not when she's finally ready to let everything go. But he's still retreating and so she does the only thing she knows that will stop him.

With strength borne of desperation, she's able to take him down and they end up sprawled on her back porch with her on top of him. He grunts in surprise and most likely pain (from his back's not so soft landing on the floorboards) but she's beyond caring.

_She needs this. _

**_She needs him!_**

And before he can move, she's sitting up and tightening her thighs on his waist. And then she's tearing at his shirt and she lets out a growl of satisfaction when she sees his eyes darken with lust at the sound of his shirt ripping.

* * *

He's momentarily disoriented when his back hits the floor. And it takes him a couple of seconds to realize that she'd wrestled him to the ground. And he thinks maybe she's going to pay him back for all the pain and hurt he's caused her but then she is ripping his shirt and he's not quite sure what's happening anymore. But one look at her and his resolve to let her go just disappears like smoke and the hunger is back!

And when she's hovering over him and her hands are wrapping themselves around his wrists and she's holding him down, it's his turn to whimper.

* * *

She makes sure to meet his gaze so he can see that she's not hurt.

_That she wants this_.

**_That she wants him. _**

When she sees the acknowledgment in his eyes she finally lets go of his wrists. And she sits back up again and without breaking eye contact, she takes her own shirt off. She feels rather than hears his sharp intake of breath as she reaches behind her to pull at the ties off of her bikini top.

And then she's leaning over him again to reach for his hands so she can place them over her chest before she lets them go.

His almost feral expression belies the gentle way his fingers coast across her body. She bites her lips because he is tracing her scars with reverence and the unexpected pain she feels at his ministration comes sharply and it almost makes her cry. She doesn't need his gentleness tonight. She doesn't want it because it just feels too much like atonement.

And that's something she doesn't need.

So she moves to grip his wrists again and forcibly brings them down to his side. She ignores the question in his gaze. Instead she focuses on his chest. The scars are still visible but are fully healed. She traces the one that traverses the area above his heart. And she scratches him.

Because she wants to draw blood.

She feels his stomach tighten under her when she succeeds.

And then she's leaning over and sweeping her tongue across the welt. Both to soothe and to taste the pain she caused.

She thinks maybe she's gone a little (a lot) crazy. Why else is she doing what she's doing?

But she's tired of feeling helpless. And what she can't articulate with words, she wants to tell him with her body…her lips…her tongue…

* * *

He groans as her tongue skates across his chest. Pleasure overriding the momentary pain her scratching has caused. He's a little confused about her actions but he's not foolish enough to ask out loud. So he just lies there and lets her do to him what she wills because he can't really do anything else. His body won't let him. It's already (almost) too far gone.

He has to clench his fists to stop himself from reaching for her as she continues to run her tongue across his scars. He almost swallows his own tongue when she finally reaches his neck. And then he's groaning in sheer bliss as she returns the favor and mimics his earlier action. The suction of her mouth on his skin acts like a switch and electricity travels down from the point of contact to his groin. And it's then that he realizes what she's doing.

Because if what she felt when he'd sucked on her neck was anything like what he's feeling right now then he'd almost f*cked everything up. He gets confirmation of this when she finally lets go and whispers in his ear.

"You're mine."

And just like that, the rest of his control snaps.

* * *

She welcomes his answering growl as one of his hands wrap around her nape while the other slides down to her thigh so he can pull her up for a scorching kiss. She moans a little just before her lips open up to his invading tongue. The way his arms tighten around her tells her that he finally understands.

So she lets every pent up longing and craving and need bleed through her mouth even as she lets her body settle on top of his. Their legs tangle together as he deepens the kiss and then takes to nipping at her lower lip.

* * *

Even though there's nothing he'd like better than to bare her to his gaze completely at this very moment, he knows she deserves more than a roll around the floorboards of her back porch. So he stops kissing her to demand forcefully.

"Invite me in."

She looks at him in confusion and he can't really blame her. But he is asking far more than the words indicate. It takes her a moment to understand what he means and he releases the breath he's holding when she scrambles to get up and off him and then extends her hand in silent invitation as she stands up. He sits up and puts his hand in hers and then he too is standing up and then they're walking towards the back door.

He's onto her the minute they're in the house and the door closes behind them. He lifts her until her legs are wrapped around his waist again and their bare torsos are pressed so tightly against each other, he's not quite sure where he ends and where she begins. She lets go of his lips only long enough to growl.

"Bedroom…now!"

He's not really sure where that is, having never been in this place before but somehow he manages to navigate his way, with some direction from her. Of course, they bump across the table, runs into a couple of chairs and rattle some picture frames on the wall along the way. But he doesn't really care and neither, it seems, does she.

When they finally reach her bed and he's gazing at her naked form, he can't help but fall to his knees beside her. Because he can't believe he's really here, with her. For months he's dreamed of and longed for her, never quite believing that she would ever find it in her to forgive him and take him back again. And now she's here…with him and it's so, so much better than his fantasies. He'd longed for death sometimes during the months he'd searched for Wo Fat, if only to escape the pain. Now, he's so f*cking glad he didn't die because that would have meant he'd miss this.

* * *

She thinks maybe she really is crazy. Because just as she'd wanted roughness from him earlier, now she finds that his sudden gentleness is what she actually **_needs._**

And so when he covers her body with his and drops gentle kisses across her face, her neck and her lips, she just wraps her arms more tightly around him and cradles him between her legs.

And when he finally makes her his again and they start to rock against each other, it's to an unhurried, oh, so slow rhythm, quite unlike the urgency of their foreplay.

He gasps even as she moans.

He pushes just as she receives.

He nibbles.

She nips.

And when he holds her gaze and whispers, "I love you," she knows that it's enough.

* * *

He tries not to be disappointed when the only indication that she's heard his words is her sudden intake of breath.

Instead, he focuses on letting her feel.

All of him.

He hitches her leg on his hip and shudders when she runs her hand along his nape.

He groans when she bites the shell of his ear.

And then their rhythm starts to speed up in earnest...

She whimpers.

Because there's almost no rhythm now…

Just a disjointed but constant beat.

He growls because suddenly, she's making a keening noise and then he's feeling her contractions around him.

And it feels so fracking good.

He's so, so close but he can't seem to let go.

Not yet.

And then there's a roaring in his ears so loud that he almost, almost misses it.

_"I love you, too." _her voice whispers.

And he realizes it's all he needs before he too is tumbling into oblivion.

* * *

**AN: **Well…I've no idea where this came from – I wasn't planning on writing the next chapter just yet but this wrote itself out. It's the most lemony of all fics I've written (I think) so I'm not sure if it passes muster as far as lemons go LOL. Do let me know.

Lanteaddicted – thanks for leaving feedback (as always)

Tanya2byour21 – I'm glad you loved the previous chapter, here's hoping you like this one too

Robinh – Good to know you find my take on Chin to be in character and that you liked that Danny was the one who had that talk with Kono

TVFanatic97 – I really wanted them to acknowledge out loud not only to themselves but to other people about their feelings which is why I wrote that chapter. Glad to know you're still loving this fic.

Francis2 – Thanks for the feedback

JJP29 – Well, here's the next one. Hope you like it.

Guest – Thanks for leaving feedback

Lily – Sorry for the cliffie – I hope the speed with which this next one is posted makes up for it.

Fairgirl – yes, finally! =)

Shani8 – I'm glad I made your Friday. I hope this update makes your Monday/Tuesday too. LOL

Sazzita – New reader? Thanks for taking the time out to comment

Lydia – Well, this constitutes living again, right? LOL

Harleyzgirl – Yeah, was flirting with the idea of Chin hitting Steve too but couldn't quite pull it off. Well this chapter answers your question about what Steve's reply.

Bushy4 – I'm glad you loved the chapter. Here's another one.

To others who read this fic, thanks for dropping by and hope to hear from you soon =) Hugs to all.


	16. Far away

**Chapter 16: Far Away**

**Disclaimer**: Any character you recognize I do not own.

**AN:**Unbeta'ed so all mistakes are mine.

* * *

_I wanted, I wanted you to stay_

_'Cause I needed, I need to hear you say_

_That I love you, I have loved you all along_

_And I forgive you, for being away for far too long_

_So keep breathing, 'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore_

_Believe it, hold on to me and, never let me go_

_Keep breathing, _

_'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore_

_Far Away, Nickelback_

* * *

There's a moment when their heartbeats settle and their breathing evens out and they are lying side by side in the aftermath and she makes a move to sit up that he has to fight the urge to pull her back. So afraid is he that she's going to leave him again (the fact that it's her house they're in doesn't even occur to him until later) that he is suddenly unable to breathe. But before he can utter his plea, she turns back to look at him and leans down to kiss him on the lips and whispers, "I'll be back."

He is left staring at the door to the bathroom where she's disappeared to and he's not entirely sure what to do. He thinks maybe he should start getting dressed but he is loath to do so. He hears the water start and before he can second guess himself, he's getting up and off the bed and making his way to follow her.

He breathes a sigh of relief when the knob turns and he's able to enter. He can see her silhouette through the frosted glass of the shower cubicle and the hunger that has only just been appeased starts curling in his belly once again and he knows it's not food he is craving.

* * *

She feels rather than hears him enter the bathroom and she can't help but smile in relief because a part of her had feared that he'd leave her again. And so when he slides the door of the cubicle and joins her she turns her head and tacitly asks him to wash her back by offering him the pouf before turning back to face the shower again.

She lets out the breath she isn't even aware she's been holding when he takes the offering from her hands and she feels him step closer to her. She gasps when her back hits his chest and his arms move to encircle her. And she can only stare at his hands when he reaches for her shower gel and pours the liquid onto the pouf.

She has to bite her lips to stop a moan from escaping when he runs it across her neck...

...lower…

She closes her eyes and can't help but rest her head on his chest when he works up lather down one shoulder…

…to the side of her waist…

…her hip…

…before sliding across her abdomen…

His motions are languid as he rubs the pouf gently...

…going in circles…

…before sliding upwards…

The moan escapes anyway despite her best efforts because suddenly the pouf is gone and she feels his hands on her…

All slippery…

…and warm…

…one coasting upwards...

...even as the other moved south…

* * *

It takes nearly all of his willpower to go slow but he wants to make it good for her…

He rubs the thumb of one hand along the valley up north…

And slides the middle finger of the other along the folds down below…

* * *

She shudders at the mind-numbing sensations he elicits and is unable to prevent the fingers of one hand from digging into his uninjured thigh. And she has to wrap her other hand onto his shoulder in an effort to anchor herself because her legs are turning to jelly from his ministrations. It feels so good and yet so maddening because he doesn't go where she wants...needs him to be even when she feels his hardness pressing on her behind.

* * *

It's his turn to gasp when she growls and turns around so fast he's not even aware that he's moved until he feels the wall behind his back. And then he's groaning in pleasure because she starts soaping his front using her body even as her hands slide slowly along his sides.

* * *

She doesn't have time to move lower because he's suddenly lifting her up and then her back is to the wall. And then he's between her legs and in her with her thighs anchored firmly on his hips.

* * *

Their kisses are rough and wet and a little sloppy.

They don't really mind.

"Please…"

...

Someone moans.

"I need…"

...

Someone groans.

"Oh…"

"Yes…"

...

Steam rises.

"Hard…"

...

Water beats down hard on his back.

"So tight…"

...

He doesn't care.

"I can't…"

...

There's friction from the wall on her back.

"F*ck…"

...

She doesn't even feel it.

"Harder…"

...

Hands are all over the place.

"More…"

...

Gasps echo around them.

...

"So close…"

...

The release when it comes hits them both hard and fast.

And she screams and bites the area where his pulse is beating so fast.

And he pants and does the same to hers.

And then they're both sliding downwards because his legs are unable to support them any longer.

* * *

They don't speak for a long time after they finally managed to take a proper shower together. They just dry off and slide into bed. Her bed.

And then she's mashed up against his left side, her left hand entwined in his right and rests on his stomach, her left leg draped across his hip. He has his left arm wrapped around her and his hand is running slowly up and down her side. He stares at the ceiling as she stares at the wall, their breathing in almost in sync.

Until finally…

"I didn't mean it you know…" she tells him.

He frowns in confusion. "Didn't mean what?"

"When I sent you away… I didn't really mean it."

"Kono…"

"I nearly called you back to tell you that I wanted you to stay…" she continues as though he hadn't interrupted. "But you didn't seem to have any problems walking away. So I let you."

"Kono." He tries again and gently pulls her chin up so she can look at him.

She meets his gaze. "When I heard that you were missing I…" She's unable to finish because her tears are choking her.

* * *

"I'm so sorry…" He apologizes. "If I'd known…"

"I forgive you." She cuts him off.

"Kono, you…"

"I'm sorry too…"

"What?" He's genuinely confused.

"Tell me you forgive me."

"There's nothing to forgive. You have nothing to be sorry for."

"I do because I left."

"I understood." He tells her. "It hurt but I understood that you needed time away from me so you could heal."

"You needed to heal too but you didn't run."

"I would have…" He offers.

"But you didn't."

"It doesn't matter." He tells her because it really doesn't. Not anymore. Now when she's here with him and she's given...giving him all that he ever really needed and more.

"It does because you got hurt again."

The anguish in her voice makes him feel awful.

"Listen. I got hurt because I was stupid. It's not your fault." Because it really isn't. "Just ask Danny..." He makes an attempt to lighten her mood.

"I can't lose you, Steve." Her broken admission hits him like a sledgehammer.

"You won't." He quickly reassures her before pulling her back into his arms.

* * *

"I will if you continue hunting him down." She knows she shouldn't be saying this. Not now. Not yet. And she hates that she's acting like a 'girl' about it but she can't help it. The months without him, when he'd seemingly fallen off the face of the earth, have messed her up more than their actual kidnapping had done. She loathes Wo Fat more than she can ever say but she'd rather he get away if that meant Steve would be safe. She's strong but not that strong. And she knows she won't be able to keep it together again if he turns up missing once more or worse, wind up dead.

So she makes herself ask, "Promise me you won't. Not anymore."

She feels his arms tighten around her and she waits for him to tell her he wouldn't. But he remains silent.

So she makes up her mind.

"Then I'm coming back."

* * *

It takes him a moment to understand what she means. "What?" he asks just the same.

"H50. I want back." She tells him.

The words should have made him happy. After all, he never really wanted her to leave the team in the first place. He'd tried his best not to get her to quit and even dragged his feet when the Governor had been antsy to have her replaced. But now that she wants in again, he finds himself feeling conflicted.

The Team Leader in him wants her back because she's that good at her job. She's a junior Chin when it comes to technical stuff and she's a junior him when it comes to long range shooting. And she more than holds her own when it comes to hand to hand fighting.

But the other part of him who's not just her boss is so f*cking scared to have her back because that just means she's going to be exposed to dangers other than Wo Fat. That she's been hurt a couple of times during the job, especially during undercover operations, had rattled him long before he ever thought to admit that he felt something for her … that he cared for her more than is proper considering their respective statuses in the Task Force. He doesn't think he'll be able to function if she gets hurt again.

Especially now that they're…

He's not entirely sure what they are at the moment but he's not about to ask. It's enough that she's not kicking him out and keeping him in. And really, even if she does (try to) kick him out, he's not budging.

Not again.

He couldn't bear to be far away from her again.

Besides, there's already Catherine in the...

_F*ck! _

He's forgotten about her.

"Uh…Kono…"

* * *

**AN:** Okay, another update…I just wanted to squeeze one in now because I'm inundated with work again so I might be MIA for a while (fingers crossed we finish on schedule so I can have time to write once more). Anyway, this here might be considered...uhm...I don't know...lemonade? Hope it's just the right amount of sweet and tart =)

JJP29 – Glad to know you loved the last chapter =)

Arden – Thanks =) I'm happy that you love my writing.

Robinh – I wasn't sure about my attempt at a lemon but I'm glad you liked how their reunion played out. Oh, and you're welcome!

Bushy4 – yay from me too! I'm glad to hear you find the scene between them realistic.

Fairgirl – Thanks for letting me know how you liked the last chapter. And yes, Kono was a beast =)

TvFanatic97 – Yeah, not quite sure what my muses were drinking too LOL. Anyway here's another update. Hope it doesn't disappoint.

Shani8 – Glad to know I made your Monday. Aftermath of that scene is here, hope it's positive enough for you.

Harleyzgirl – No, not pathetic at all. I cheered too. Oh and your request about Catherine seeing the matching marks is forthcoming (next chapter I promise).

Sazzita – Thanks for dropping by.

Tanya2byour21 – They will work things through. Thanks for letting me know what you thought of the chapter.

Guest – Thanks for the feedback =)

Detective-XO - *blushes* Your words are too kind. Thanks for reading.

Lydia – Well, here's another helping of some lemonade. LOL. This isn't a regression ,right?

Sidalee – I'm so happy you had time to drop by again. Yeah, I've always thought Kono & Danny had a great friendship vibe too. As for Steve and Chin, I've always thought that if S&K ever did come to fruition that S would have to come clean to C and in this particular case, S had major issues to clear with C. And yes, that's how I see S&K happening too.

AN2: To others who read this, thanks for stopping by and feel free to let me know what you think.

PS. Update to OUaK is forthcoming…it's partly written but I couldn't find my copy of the episode (and I needed to rewatch it for a certain scene) so hopefully I can have it up in a couple of days (fingers crossed)


	17. I don't care who knows it

**Chapter 17: I don't care who knows it.**

**Disclaimer**: Any character you recognize I do not own.

**AN:**Unbeta'ed so all mistakes are mine.

* * *

_I don't care who knows it,I'm in love with you!_

_I guess I'll always be this way,_

_Nothing you do or say can ever change me!_

_I'm for you forever,Yours my whole life through;_

_That's how I am and I don't care who knows it,_

_I'm in love with you!_

_-I Don't Care Who Knows It, Kitty Kallen w/Harry James & his Orchestra_

* * *

"Are you ready for this?" He asks just before she gets out of his car in front of the coffee shop near the H50 HQ. It's been a week since they've gotten back together but today would be her first day back on the team. He hasn't told anyone of her decision to come back just yet because he wanted to make sure it's all official before he tells them. It had taken some effort (and a ten page report on why she's so good for the team and how the team needs her) before the Governor finally agreed. He thinks maybe Denning really didn't need much persuading and only wanted to see him squirm.

"I will be." She answers with a smile. "…after I get my coffee. You want anything?"

"The usual. You should probably get them theirs as well." He smiles back.

"Good idea." She leans forward to give him a kiss.

"Sure you don't want me to wait for you?"

"Nah. I need my alone time….even if it's just a couple of minutes." She teases.

He suppresses the tinge of apprehension he feels at her words because he knows she's joking. At least, he hopes she's joking. After all, they really hadn't spent that much time apart since they'd gotten back together, mostly because he'd been too scared to leave her alone in case she changes her mind about them.

"I'm joking Babe."

Her seriously spoken reassurance eases his concern. "Good." He smiles. "See you in a few then."

He looks on as she enters the coffee shop before driving off. He knows part of the reason why she wanted to get coffee first is because arriving together would invite too many questions she's not ready to answer. And she's probably afraid her reinstatement would be rescinded if it got out they're together. But what she didn't know is that he'd made sure to have the Governor's signature in the reinstatement papers first before he came clean to Denning about his relationship with her.

* * *

"_By the way, Sir, I thought you should know that I'm with her…" He looked at the Governor in the eye as he said this._

_Governor Denning's brows wrinkled in confusion. "With her?"_

"_Officer Kalakaua, Sir." He made sure not to flinch when the other man stiffened. "I am dating her, Sir." He added, just in case it wasn't clear._

"_And you're only just telling me this?" _

"_I just wanted to make sure you had evaluated the merits of having her back on the team first." He was sweating bullets but he took care not to show his nervousness because the stakes were too high._

"_And if I change my mind because of this?"_

"_I already have your signature on the paper." He answered. "Sir."_

_The other man looked at him speculatively. "Why tell me at all? You could have just kept it a secret."_

"_That's just it, Sir. I don't want to keep us a secret." Not anymore. Not ever again. She deserved so much better from him. He hoped the Governor understood._

_There was a long silence between them before Denning finally answered. "As Team Leader, and as a Navy SEAL, you should know that fraternization is frowned upon for a reason."_

"_I do, Sir. But I wouldn't have asked to have her reinstated if I thought it would be a problem. I would hope that you know me long enough to trust that if it ever came to it, that Priority of Life would be followed." _

"_Does she know that?"_

"_She graduated top of her class in the Academy." He offered in lieu of a straight answer. _

"_And the kidnapping?" A sharp edge had entered the other man's voice._

"_Psych has cleared her Sir." He kept a tight leash on his temper._

"_And Lt. Catherine Rollins?" _

"_What about Lt. Rollins, Sir?" He kept his expression impassive._

"_You have a history."_

"_And that's all there is between us. History." He thought Danny would be so proud of him for keeping his cool (if he knew). "But then again, you'd already considered that before you brought her in." He couldn't resist the dig. He hoped he hadn't been imagining the small smile the Governor had made at his response._

"_You get a short leash with this McGarrett. Don't make me hang you with it."_

"_Thank you, Sir." He finally managed a smile. _

"_Now get out of here so I can finally do some work."_

* * *

He tells himself he hadn't told her about it because he didn't want her to feel uncomfortable with their Boss knowing. But that part of him that doesn't take BS from anyone (including apparently, himself) knows that it's mostly 'cause he's afraid she'll think he was being too presumptuous. It's one thing for both Danny and Chin to know, but to have everyone know…

He didn't want to spook her.

Not after he nearly f*cked everything up when he told her about Catherine being in the team…

* * *

"_Uh…Kono…"_

"_Hmm?" She answered sleepily._

"_I…" Catherine's name got stuck in his throat and he unconsciously tightened his hold on her. _

"_What?" She asked, finally sensing his agitation._

"_About the team…"_

_He felt her stiffen. "You see…" He cursed his inability to just blurt it out. He's a Navy SEAL for crying out loud! He doesn't get nervous._

"_Catherine's in the team. I know."_

_Of all the things he'd expected to come out of her mouth, hat hadn't been one of them. "You know?" How could she know? Chin hadn't told her because the other man had said as much when he went to see him. "Danny?" _

_She sits up and looks down at him before she shakes her head. "No."_

"_Then how…" He trailed off because then only one other person could have told her. "She told you?" _

"_It doesn't matter." She answered before she lay back down, snuggled up to his chest and wrapped an arm around his waist. _

_He was relieved that she seemed to be taking the news pretty well but was confused as hell. "I don't understand…"He muttered because he truly didn't. When did they start talking? They couldn't possibly be friends, right? "How?" he couldn't help but ask._

_She sighed loudly and moved away from him before she started to get up and off the bed, taking the sheets with her. "Does it matter?" She turned back to look at him in obvious annoyance at his refusal to drop the issue._

"_Kono…" He scrambled to get to her before she could reach the bathroom._

"_What? You want her on the team but not me?" She looked at him anger._

"_What? No!" He answered quickly. How the hell had things gotten out of hand so fast?_

"_Then why bring her up?" _

_He struggled not to let his frustration show because he didn't want to make things worse. "Kono. I just wanted you to know. That's all." He held on to her forearms just in case she wanted to bolt._

_It took her a while to answer. She raised her face to look him straight in the eye and asked quietly. "Do you still love her?"_

_Trust Kono to get straight to the point._

"_I cared for her." He started to say because he didn't want to lie to her. Not again. S__he looked away but he gently lifted her chin up with his right hand so she can see the truth in his eyes. "But I didn't love her." He knew it probably made him sound like an asshole because what kind of a guy kept a long-term 'relationship' with a woman he didn't really love? "Not like I love you." He willed her to believe him._

_He looked at her nervously when she didn't say anything for the longest time. And then, _

"_Okay." She finally answered with a smile so bright she lit up the room._

_And that was when he'd promised himself that he would try his very best to make sure she never, ever lost that smile._

* * *

They had just gathered around the table-cum-computer system when she finally makes it to HQ. They don't notice her at first so she takes a deep breath and gets her first look at the office in months before resolutely walking towards the group while balancing five cups of coffee on the carton tray in her hands.

"Aloha!" She greets them with a cheerful smile and stands next to Steve. "I come bearing coffee."

"Cuz!" Chin's happy greeting eases her nervousness.

"Hi Cuz!" she greets back and offers him a cup before turning to Danny, who's sporting a shocked but pleased expression on his face. "Hey." She nods her head at him.

"What do you mean hey?" He asks in mock-anger. "You can't just waltz back in here and think a coffee and a hey will cut it, do you?"

She grins before turning to deposit the tray of coffees in Steve's hands and then moving quickly to hug the blonde detective, who in turn hugs her back. "Is that better?" She teases.

"Maybe a little…" He smiles when he lets her go and snatches his cup of coffee from the tray.

She's not exactly sure what to do next because she knows she can't really hug Steve and well…it's not like Catherine looks like she even wants her here so…

"So…" Chin, thankfully, saves her from deciding what to do by asking, "What brings you to HQ?"

"Yeah, what could possibly have drawn you out of your cave to come out into the sunshine?" Danny does his part to ease the sudden awkwardness when the other woman in the room stands frozen gaping at Kono.

"I…"

Steve answers before she can say anything. "She's back on the team."

* * *

The words almost bring her to her knees.

_What? Kono's back? How could that be?_

She wants to ask Steve who just looks as though the announcement didn't just come from out of the blue. She wants to shout at him for blindsiding her but the raucous reaction from Chin and Danny draws his attention away from her and so her glare goes unnoticed. And then she turns her attention to the other girl and forces herself to smile because she doesn't want the younger girl to know just how much the news has devastated her. She has her pride after all.

"Welcome back." She's glad her voice comes out evenly and hopes her face betrays nothing of her inner turmoil.

"Thanks." Kono, to her credit, gives her a genuine smile, as though she hadn't seen the other girl days before and rubbed her face about replacing her in the team.

The old Catherine would have smiled back warmly because Kono is being nice and offering her an olive branch. It's not her fault after all that Steve… She shakes away the thought as she tries hard not to feel bitter because, like her, Kono's just trying to make it in a man's world too. But it's just so hard…

She does make an effort though. "I hope you don't mind having another teammate…"

"Hey! It's always good to have another girl on the team."

She almost, almost manages a smile back at the other woman, but then she sees it.

* * *

If looks could kill, Danny thinks Steve might already be dead now because the glare that Catherine had just leveled at his friend made even him uncomfortable. It's probably a good thing that the other man hadn't been looking and so Catherine had to shift her attention to Kono instead. There's a moment when he wonders if she would be the recipient of the same pointed look and relaxes when the woman smiles instead.

He steals a look at Steve to see if he's noticed but their Team Leader's attention is all on Kono. He's not smiling or anything…in fact, he's sporting his aneurysm face, mouth all turned down. But a closer look at his eyes and he sees how soft they are (something so incredibly uncharacteristic of the Navy SEAL) and it's then he realizes that they must have managed to work things out. He's so relieved that he couldn't help but laugh.

And when Catherine and Kono exchange polite pleasantries without too much tension, he relaxes even more.

That is until he sneaks a peek at their new teammate and sees her stiffen visibly while looking at Kono. So he turns his attention to the woman in question and wonders, _What could she possibly have seen to make her react like th…_

He doesn't get to finish his internal question because he too sees it.

* * *

Chin has always prided himself at being sensitive to other people. And so when he notices both Danny and Catherine staring transfixed at Kono and Steve, he knows something's up. He glances at Steve to see if he too has noticed but the other man is too focused on his cousin. So he stares at Kono first trying to figure out what it was that has them so…

_**WTF!**_

_Is that a…_

He mentally shakes himself because staring at one's cousin's hickey is just plain creepy, not to mention highly inappropriate, given the location. And he tells himself, surely Danny and Catherine have seen other people sport such a mark before so why the hell would Kono's cause so much attention?

"Uh…" He's not quite sure what to say as silence settles in the room but the sound he makes is enough to break Steve's intent look at Kono.

"Okay…now that that's all settled, we should probably focus on the case." Their team leader turns his attention to the table. And that's when he figures it out.

Because when the man's shirt shifts at his movement, a similar bruising mars the same area on his neck.

It takes him a moment to wrap his head around the fact that they both didn't even bother to conceal the marks. And then he realizes.

_**So that's how it is.**_

* * *

_**AN: **_(Runs to hide). Eeek! I know, the ending to the chapter sucks balls and doesn't feel like it belongs in this fic. LOL. So much for angst *sigh* I know that was just awkward. Still, I hope it's not too bad and they're all not OoC.

robinh – Team rebuilding in the process =)

Tanya2byour21 – well he didn't get into too much trouble, did he?

fairgirl – kono took it well, which is good, right?

jackyxoxo – here's more

Harleyzgirl - as promised, Catherine's seen the 'marks'

TvFanatic97 - nope, their reunion wasn't spoiled at all =)

francis2 - nope, Catherine didn't break them

bushy4 - well, now you know how the meeting between the two women went

christinaxa – thanks for your feedback & kind words. I appreciate them

Detective-XO – yeah…music is such a large part in my creative process and frequently find inspiration from them when I write

Lydia – here's more progress for you.

lissazara – you're welcome. I hope you continue to love this story.

To everyone else, thanks for reading. If you liked this chappie, do send me some love by hitting on that review button. *hugs to all*


	18. Breathe

**Chapter 18: Breathe**

**Disclaimer**: Any character you recognize I do not own.

**AN: **Unbeta'ed so all mistakes are mine.

* * *

_And I take it just a little bit__  
__I, hold my breath and count to ten__  
__I, I've been waiting for a chance to let you in_

_If I just breathe__  
__Let it fill the space between__  
__I'll know everything is alright__  
__Breathe__  
__Every little piece of me you'll see__  
__Everything is alright__  
__If I just breathe_

_-__Breathe, Michelle Branch_

* * *

Danny tries not to comment on it, he really does, because he doesn't want to make things more awkward than they already are given Catherine's not so happy expression. And he probably wouldn't have said anything but then Steve finally notices the rest of the team's lack of reaction to his prattling about the case and asks (somewhat testily).

"Is there a problem?"

He tries to resist but...

"So what? Couple rings not enough for you both?" The words are out before he could censor them.

Catherine gasps as Chin almost chokes on his coffee.

"What are you talking about Brah?" Kono asks in confusion.

"Unbelievable!" He mutters under his breath not even really surprised any more that both of them are oblivious to the fact that the rest of the team has been staring at the matching marks on their necks instead of the case-related files displayed on the pc table before them.

Chin clears his throat and points to the same area on his own neck to give them both an idea.

Kono's eyes widen comically at this as she quickly covers her own mark with her left hand and looks at her cousin in trepidation. Danny he thinks she might actually be blushing and he (almost) takes pity on her. Of course, the reaction he gets from their Team Leader isn't exactly something he expected because damned if he didn't even look the least bit concerned. In fact, he actually kind of looked…smug. The lucky bastard!

"What? You guys have never seen hickeys before?" The matter-of-fact way Steve says this while sporting his aneurysm look this throws everyone in the room for a loop.

He looks at Kono and has to shake his head in commiseration. "You, my friend, have my deepest sympathies."

* * *

There's a moment when Kono thinks of denying what Danny is obviously implying out of deference for Catherine's feelings because even though the other girl had nearly succeeded in keeping them apart, she's never really been a cruel person. But the fact is, everyone in the room does know they're together anyway so she just shrugs and rides the joke.

"Are you kidding Brah? You should see the one I gave him under that shirt."

This time, it's Danny who turns a shade of purple from choking on his coffee. "Are you trying to kill me?" He grumbles as soon as he recovers enough to breathe again.

Chin laughs. "She wouldn't. But I think Steve might."

"Whatever." The blonde detective answers back somewhat disgruntled.

"You're lucky I'm in such a good mood today." Steve responds calmly still sporting his deadpan expression.

* * *

If the rest of the team notices that Catherine has stayed quiet the whole time, nobody asks her about it. Which is probably a good thing because she's too busy trying to not to punch Danny in the face for making them all go through this awkward shit.

* * *

"What's wrong?" Kono asks him when he moves to wrap her tightly in his arms.

"I…" He's not sure what to tell her. "Bad dream." He finally says.

"What's it about?"

He just tightens his arms around her without making a sound.

"Steve?"

He still doesn't answer. Instead, he rolls them over so he is lying on top of her and then he's stroking her cheek and gently cupping her face. "I love you so much, you know that right?"

She smiles. "I love you too."

He tries to be gentle when he kisses her again, but the left over images from his nightmare prevents him from being so. Instead, there's a hint of desperation in the way he worships her body.

Although the marks from their kidnapping have started to fade, he's almost memorized where they are and so even in the dark, he zones in on each and every one of them.

She whimpers as he sucks on each location, making sure to replace them with his own mark. Despite the slight pain of her nails scoring his back, he takes his time in marking his territory. So much so that by the time he finds every last one he too is sporting her own type of branding all over his back.

But it's still not enough. And so he moves lower…

And lower still…

Until all he can see and feel and smell is her…

And it's still not enough.

He growls as the hunger in his blood deepens…

…sharpens to the point of pain…

And then his tongue is finally tasting…devouring…lapping at her sweetness.

It's still not enough.

He wants more…

So he delves even deeper and then starts sucking…

The sound of her keening cries almost does him in but he's not done yet…not by a long shot.

When her essence floods his mouth he is so hard it's almost painful.

So he lets go so they can both catch their breath.

But then her scent intoxicates him even more and he finds it's still not enough.

So draws one of her legs over his shoulder and bites her...

There…just there where the color of her skin changes…

And he lifts his head to view his own special brand...

But before he can appreciate it, she has already pulled him up and turned him over so she is straddling him and he wonders how she found the strength to do so.

When she growls at him with a harshly whispered, "Now it's my turn," it's all he can do to let her and not take over once again.

And when he is looking at her by the light of the moon filtering through his bedroom window he has to remind himself to breathe.

Because she is so damned beautiful he literally takes his breath away. He wonders briefly how he can even keep at it … breathing that is…because her lips are all over his skin…and her tongue is both drying his skin of his sweat while leaving behind her own wetness…and her teeth are marking her own territory making him feel equal parts of pleasure and pain.

He groans when she finally reaches that which makes him a man and he only has a brief moment of lucidity before all he can really do is grab on to the back of her head and just feel the exquisite way she loves and laves him.

And when she finally, finally moves to claim him, he is close to blacking out. They both hiss at the contact and then she is sliding him in and up and down and it's too much and yet not enough.

It's still not f*cking enough!

So he flips them over and then he is pounding into her.

Covering her…

Surrounding her...

Claiming her…

Branding her…

Owning her…

Loving her…

Until he, too is covered by her...

Surrounded by her…

Claimed by her…

Branded by her…

Owned by her…

Loved by her...

It's too much and yet not nearly enough.

And he wonders, when it was that she became all that he needs to breathe.

* * *

She tries not to react when she sees them come in together the next day. Although they aren't touching, their body language and their smiles just scream quiet satisfaction even as they part ways and go to their respective offices that she almost can't breathe.

She is so preoccupied with looking at them that she doesn't notice Danny step into her office.

"You should stop." His words startle her.

"Excuse me?" She asks him in confusion.

"Whatever it is you're doing, just stop." Danny answers as he sits on the chair across her table.

"I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking a…"

He cuts her off. "Of course you do. You don't get to be a Lt. in the Navy by being 'thick'."

They stare at each for a beat before she asks him pointedly. "Is it me or are you just naturally rude to people?"

He shrugs. "It could be both."

She is flabbergasted at his audacity. "You have a lot of nerve…"

"I know you came to see Kono before she came back to the team." He cuts her off mid-rant.

She quickly masks her surprise. "I fail to see how that's any of your business."

"I know you did it to stop her from seeing him."

She flushes at his words. "And yet she's here."

"True. But that's no thanks to you."

"Should I be flattered that you think I have that much of a pull?"

"Not really."

The matter of fact way he delivers the words grate against her for some reason so she makes her voice as icy as possible. "And your point is?"

He does away with his nonchalance and makes her look at him. "I know you followed them last night."

She doesn't answer. In truth, she doesn't think he expects one.

"Listen, I understand how you feel but if you just stop and take a moment and I don't know…just…breathe…" His voice gentles.

"You understand nothing." She cuts him off, unable to bear the pity in his eyes.

"If you just stop to breathe you might realize you can actually let go." He finishes as though she hadn't interrupted. "And just so you know, I have been where you are and I know that it sucks and it hurts but…"

"Where do you get off telling me how I feel?"

"Like I said, been there, done that, nearly had another kid out of it…" He jokes to soften the impact of his words.

"Is that supposed to be funny?"

He sighs again. "Look, I'm not saying this to be mean to you, but those two? They've been through hell and back."

"And you're telling me this because?"

"I'm telling you this because if you truly want to be part of this team then you need to respect that and f*cking let go."

"I wasn't going to…"

"Weren't you?" He cuts her off again.

"You must really have a low opinion of me."

"No, I really don't."

She scoffs at his denial.

"Believe me I don't. If I did, I wouldn't even bother talking to you right now."

"So what? Should I thank you now for your consideration?" She is trying not to lose her temper and failing miserably.

"No. I just…" He hesitates.

"Well, don't stop now." She tells him sarcastically.

"H50 is a team. If you're a part of the team then we need to be able to trust that you have our backs. ALL of our backs."

She tells herself not to let him know how much his statement hurt her. "I think that of all the things you just said to me, that has got to be the most insulting."

"I'm sorry you feel that way."

She laughs without humor. "I'm sure you are."

They stare at each other for a couple of minutes before he finally stands up to leave.

He's just opened the door when she calls out softly. "You know I could be wondering about the same thing."

He turns to look at her in question.

"If any of you will have MY back?"

He gives her a small smile as though conceding her point. "Fair enough. I guess we'll just have to wait and see, won't we?"

* * *

He sees Chin waiting for him when he gets into his own office.

"What was that about?" The older man asks.

"Oh nothing…just giving Catherine our standard welcome to the team speech." He jokes lightly.

"I didn't know we had that. How come I never got one?"

Chin's teasing comeback eases his tension a bit. "Probably cause Steve f*cked it up?" He smirks.

They both laugh.

"What are you two laughing about?" Steve asks as he pokes his head into Danny's office.

"Nothing." They both answer and start laughing again.

* * *

A week later, nobody's laughing.

* * *

She feels bile rise up her throat at the sight.

Blood.

So much of it…

Staining the floor…

She finds herself shaking so badly she nearly drops the gun in her hand. She breathes deeply before reaching out to touch the wall to help steady herself as she stands. Her hand slips and it takes her a moment to realize why. Her left hand is slick with blood as well.

The bile rises up her throat again and she has to remind herself to breathe when she realizes just how badly she messed up.

Because the red sticky and coppery liquid staining her hand?

It's not hers.

* * *

**AN: **Again, sorry for the late update – work etc etc you know the drill but mostly because I had such a hard time organizing my thoughts about how to go about this chapter. I kept vacillating on whether to go one route or the other until finally I decided just lop off a large chunk of what I had already written and move it to the next chapter instead and then found myself adding that lemony stuff in the middle LOL. Go figure. Anyway, I know you probably want to kill me for leaving you with another cliffie but I will try my very best not to leave you hanging too long (since the next one is partially written already).

Robinh – As always, thanks for leaving me with your thoughts. I'm glad you didn't hate the ending of the previous chapter because I was a little worried that it was too weird in the context of this whole story…As for Catherine, well, the next chapter will settle her fate

Detective-XO – I'm afraid it's Danny's reaction that is more to the forefront in this chapter but I hope you still like it anyway

Bushy4 – You and me both LOL. And yes, hickeys!

TvFanatic97 – Glad you enjoyed Steve's talk with the Governor and doubly so that you found the last chapter's tone to be a welcome break.

Fairgirl – Yes, Kono is definitely back. As for Catherine ruining it…

Harleyzgirl – Hickey celebration continues…as for WF's take down…stay tuned to the next chapter

Tanya2byour21 – Catherine is…well I hope Danny's talk with her gives you some satisfaction

Nisha bienaj – yes, they're not running away this time

Guest – Thanks for taking time out to leave me feedback. I appreciate it

Martha Smith-Jones – Thanks =)

KoVe Lover – Conflict coming up

Francis2 – Yeah, I kind of thought that after everything they've been through that Steve wouldn't want to be secretive about the whole thing anymore, considering what had happened before

Tiana-P – Glad you're all caught up. Sorry for ending things with cliffie all the time. I hope you still continue reading too

Christinaxa – Yes, I kind of picture them to be the type to want to mark their partners for some reason. LOL. More reaction from Catherine here

Shani8 – So happy you're still enjoying the story. As for the Kono / Catherine encounter post the reveal – tune in to the next chapter as you'll see a flashback of that

MeMii – Ooha newbie reader! Thanks for dropping by and hope you enjoy your stay.

Halle Alexis – Another newbie reader! Thank you for taking time out to leave feedback. Hope to hear from you again.

Sidalee – Thanks for taking time to read and leave feedback for each chapter you missed. So happy you still find my characterizations believable. I do worry about that still being the case actually.

Lydia – Glad you're still reading. As for letting the team find out – it's more like they didn't think about it really. And re: Catherine being professional, more on that here and the next chapter

And to the others who are still reading this, thanks for dropping by & do let me know what you think if you have time. Till next time. *hugs to all*


	19. Blood on my hands

**Chapter 19: ****Blood on my hands**

**Disclaimer**: Any character you recognize I do not own.

**AN: **Unbeta'ed so all mistakes are mine.

* * *

_ There's blood on my hands like the blood in you._

_ Some things can't be treated_

_ so don't make me, don't make me be myself around you._

_ Straight from your eyes it's barely me_

_ Beautifully so disfigured, this other side that you can't see._

_ Just praying you won't remember._

_ Feel the pain that I never show,_

_ and I hope you know it's never healing._

_- Blood on My Hands, The Used_

* * *

She makes her shaky legs work long enough to make her way towards the door.

It's locked.

She fumbles through her pockets for her cellphone and isn't really surprised when it's nowhere in her person. She ignores the slippery feel of the blood on her hands as she thumbs the safety of her gun and checks the magazine to make sure there are still bullets in them. She sighs in relief when she sees it's not empty. She tries not to dwell on Danny's words to her from days before because she needs to focus on getting herself out of here first.

She freezes momentarily when she hears footsteps outside the door before she hurriedly makes her way to the side and thumbs the safety off of her gun. But before she can even raise it, the door gets kicked in and three men enter the room.

Her knees almost give out in sheer relief when she realizes who they are.

Of course, when she sees their faces, she almost wishes they hadn't come.

* * *

_**Six hours ago…**_

"_So…are we okay now?" she asks while Kono drives. They're finally partnered together (although she suspects it's only because they're just supposed to pick up the blood work from the Lab for the case they're working on). _

_The younger woman glances at her before answering. "I don't know. Are we?"_

_She smiles reluctantly. "Hmmm…another session couldn't hurt."_

_Kono finally grins at her. "I'm game if you are."_

"_We probably shouldn't tell Danny, though." She grimaces as she recalls how said teammate gave her the stink eye when she and Kono showed up at HQ the day after their 'session' all battered and bruised._

"_I take it you're not a big fan of his?"_

_She shrugs and opts not to say anything, not wanting to offend._

"_You know, h__e's really not that bad. He's actually fun…if you know, you can get past his constant grumbling. Although really, I think he only complains these days just to annoy Steve."_

"_I don't think he likes me."_

"_Nah! His bark is worse than his bite."_

_She just nods, not wanting to go into why she knows for a fact how the blonde detective feels about her. _

_There's silence for a couple of minutes before Kono speaks. "I'm sorry about…" she begins._

"_I know." She cuts the other girl off. "And I'm sorry too…" She offers, because really, she has more things to be sorry to the other girl for than Kono does to her. Kono's only fault is that Steve loves her. She wouldn't admit it to anyone else but Danny's talk actually got her thinking about the whole situation. And while she still feels a pinch somewhere in the vicinity of her chest whenever she sees their two teammates together, she also really wants things to work out for her at H50. Steve might have been the original reason for her leaving the Navy but she's also been feeling restless with the constant deployment and was ready to stay put and grow roots for some time now. She figures, Hawaii is as good a place as any. She's about to explain it to Kono when she notices the sudden change in the other woman's demeanor. "What's wrong?" _

_Kono looks at the rearview mirror before signaling to turn left. "I'm not sure…"_

"_Is this the right way?" She asks because she's been to the Lab before with Chin and this isn't the way they came through before._

"_I'm just checking something." This time, Kono looks the side mirror._

"_Kono?" _

"_That SUV has been on our tail for the last couple of turns."_

_She tenses at the words and looks at the rearview mirror herself to check out the vehicle in question. "Should we call it in?" _

_Kono doesn't answer and makes another turn into an alley. The vehicle behind them makes the same turn. "Sh*t!"_

_She's about to call HQ when Kono suddenly brakes when another vehicle moves to block them from the front. She grimaces as the seatbelt cuts into her already bruised shoulder. And before she knows it, they're both being pulled bodily out of their car and dragged into the other vehicle. _

_And then everything goes black._

* * *

"Catherine." Chin's voice brings her back to the present as he walks into the bathroom after her.

She doesn't answer and continues to scrub her hands raw. The blood has long since been washed off but she can't make herself stop.

"You need to tell us what happened."

She flinches even though the older man's voice comes out gently and without anger. "Just…" she has to stop and moisten her lips again before she can finish. "Just give me five minutes more and then I'll be out." She doesn't turn to look and heaves a sigh of relief when she hears the bathroom door close.

* * *

"Steven, stop it." Danny controls the urge to stand up and forcibly make their Team Leader stop his agitated pacing.

"What the f*ck is taking her so long?" The SEAL growls out in obvious frustration.

"Chin's already gone to get her."

"Danny what if…"

"Don't!" He growls out unable and unwilling to think that Catherine may have...

* * *

_**Three days ago.**_

"_You mind easing up on that lead foot over there?" Danny asks tensely as he holds on to the grab handle._

"_As a matter of fact, I do." He replies as he steps on the accelerator even harder in order to get them to HQ the soonest._

"_What's the rush anyway? It's not like we have a new case." _

_He doesn't answer. Mostly because he feels a little stupid for worrying and he knows if he tells Danny, he'll most likely get confirmation of this fact._

"_Seriously Steven, I have no interest in dying a horrible death in this tin can of yours."_

_He eases up some just to shut his partner up and still doesn't say anything._

_There is blessed silence for a few minutes._

"_You do know that Chin is there too right?" _

_He thinks it's uncanny how Danny figures things out. "I don't know what you mean." He pretends innocence, not quite ready to admit what he's worried about._

_Danny, of course, laughs. "Seriously Steve, they're both professionals. They're not gonna have a showdown just 'cause we're not there to stop them."_

"_Shut up Danny!" He's unable to keep himself from responding._

_Danny is still laughing when he answers his cellphone after it rings. "Williams."_

_He's glad for the phone call that distracts his partner but then tenses when he sees from the corner of his eye how Danny straightens up in his seat. "What's wrong?" _

"_Uh…you might want to floor it babe."_

"_What? Why?" He frowns in irritation._

"_That was Chin saying he had to leave HQ…" His partner trails off._

"_Oh sh*t!"_

* * *

"_They're not here." Danny says the obvious when he sees that HQ is empty._

_But Steve is no longer paying attention because he's too busy dialing Kono's number._

"_Anything?" _

"_It's sending me to voicemail." Frustration is evident in his partner's voice._

"_Maybe she left you a note?" _

_Steve walks quickly to his office and comes back out with a post-it note in his hand. _

"_Well?" He starts to ask but stops when he's handed the note. "Well, that's no help." He muses. _

_Steve doesn't say anything. His expression is answer enough._

* * *

Steve pounces on Chin as soon as he sees him. "Where is she?"

"She's coming out in five…"

"What?" The anger in Steve's voice is unmistakable. "Kono's missing and she's taking her f*cking time washing her hands?"

"Steve!" It is Danny who admonishes him.

"What!?" Steve shouts at the blonde detective before turning to Chin. "Why aren't you even angry?"

Chin sighs. The truth is, he wanted to shake the hell out of their new teammate as soon as he saw she was alone in that warehouse. But the girl was obviously in shock and he didn't miss how her face had paled at the sight of Steve's almost feral look at realizing that Kono was missing. "She's…" He's spared from having to finish his sentence when Catherine comes in.

"What happened?" Steve asks trying not to let his fear, anger and frustration bleed through his voice.

Catherine swallows nervously. "I…"

The Navy SEAL has to forcibly stop himself from shaking her. "What?"

* * *

_**Three days ago.**_

"_Where have you been?" Steve asks as soon as he spots her._

"_How long have you been waiting here?" She asks instead of answering his question._

"_Where have you been?" He asks again._

"_I was with Catherine."_

"_Why?" _

"_Why not?" She asks sounding miffed at the tone of his voice._

"_What were you two doing?" _

"_Why the third degree?" Her exasperation spills over to her voice._

"_Is that…what the hell have you two been doing?" His voice rises when he sees the bruise on her cheek._

_She doesn't answer as she unlocks her front door._

_He grabs her arm and quickly lets it go when she gasps in pain. Before she can move away, he's already raising the sleeve up her arm and growls out at what he sees. "What the f*ck Kono?" _

"_It's nothing." She tells him as she pulls away to go to the kitchen._

"_Don't tell me it's nothing. You can barely walk. And what's with all that bruising?" _

"_Believe me this is nothing. You should see her."_

_He gives her his aneurysm look._

_She sighs loudly at this and finally admits. "We sparred, okay?" _

"_What?! Why the hell would you do that?" _

_She glares at him in exasperation. "Why do you think?" _

"_But…"_

"_Why haven't you assigned us to partner together?" She cuts him off._

_He doesn't answer._

"_Exactly!"_

"_So what? You think hitting each other until you're black and blue and bloody will make things better?" _

"_It's better than hitting you!" She snaps just before she turns away and walks to her bedroom._

_He breathes in deeply to get control of his emotions before he follows her. "Kono please talk to me." He says as he enters the bathroom._

_She's down to her bikinis and she whirls at him in surprise. _

"_Please?" He begs. _

"_Fine! Catherine and I figured we needed to get things out of our systems so we can work together without the tension. Satisfied?"_

"_And you figured what? Sparring would do that?" _

"_It's a good an exercise as any."_

"_And did it?" He asks. "Have you both worked it out of your systems?"_

_She shrugs. "I guess we'll know when YOU finally partner us together won't we?"_

_He sighs loudly. "Fine! You'll get to watch her six on the next case!" _

_She smiles at his capitulation. "Good! Now do your 'other' job and run me a bath." She teases him._

_He gives her a lingering look before grumbling good naturedly, _"_God, you're so bossy!"_

_She laughs. "You know you love it!"_

"_Nah. I just love you." He tells her before he pulls her to him and gives her a kiss._

* * *

Catherine's throat dries up at the harshness of Steve's voice. "I…" She can't speak.

"What?!"

She flinches at the almost feral look he directs at her when he repeats the question.

It is Danny who moves between them and makes her focus on him instead. "Catherine…what happened…"

It's his gentle question that finally breaks her.

"I…it's my fault..."

* * *

_They wake up in an empty warehouse with their hands tied behind their backs._

"_Catherine…" Kono whispers. "Are you okay?" _

_She groans as she feels a throbbing in her head. _

"_Can you move?"_

"_Yes…" the words come out hoarsely just before she starts to move towards Kono._

"_No, wait… let me do it…" Kono whispers back and slides awkwardly sideways towards the other girl by pushing with her bound hands to get to her feet. "Turn around and I'll try to untie you.." _

_She fights the nausea and follows the other girl's instructions. She feels Kono's fingers trying to loosen the knots that bind her and begins to help when she feels the rope start to give. But before she can fully pull it off, the door to the warehouse opens and three men enter._

"_Ah, you're awake." One of the men speaks as they walk towards them._

_She feels Kono tense as they both turn to face them. It takes her a moment to realize that the other woman recognizes the owner of the voice. _

"_Wo Fat."_

"_Ah Miss Kalakaua…you remembered. I'm touched."_

_She hears rather than sees Kono growl out at the man. "Drop dead." _

_Wo Fat just laughs. "And what have we here…two for the price of one?"_

_She gasps when she gets dragged by one of the men towards Wo Fat. She starts to struggle and is surprised when Kono lunges after them. "Let her go. I know I'm the only one you want." _

"_True…but she's already here…"_

"_Let me go…" She starts to struggle when she sees Kono fall down when one of the men punches her in the stomach for her efforts. She frantically pulls and pushes at the already loosened ropes hoping the men don't notice. _

"_You must be Catherine then…" _

_She doesn't answer and stops struggling when he moves closer, not wanting him to realize that she's already free of the rope. _

"_Too bad Steve's already chosen her…" _

_She shudders and hates herself for suddenly being afraid. _

_He laughs again when she flinches. "Don't be afraid. I won't hurt you."_

"_What do you want?" She makes herself ask._

"_With you? Nothing. From her though…" He trails off suggestively._

"_You do know Steve's going to have your ass if you hurt either of us, don't you?" She hopes her voice comes out authoritatively._

"_Don't flatter yourself. He only cares about her."_

_The taunt is a direct hit. But she doesn't let the hurt show as she takes note of the gun holstered on the waist of the guy holding her on her left arm._

"_Nothing to say?" Wo Fat continues his taunting._

_She tries not to react as she tries to figure out if she can reach the gun with her right hand if she moves quickly enough._

"_I know you want to hurt her…" He whispers to her ear._

"_Shut up!" She can't help but respond._

"_Don't you want revenge on her, too?"_

_The words are hypnotic. _

"_If she dies…" He starts to say._

"_Cath…" Kono's tortured whisper breaks through the cocoon he's weaving around her. And before she can think about her actions further, she's already pulled her arm away, reached for the gun and then finds herself pointing it at Wo Fat. _

_She cocks the gun when the guy she pulled it from makes a motion towards her. "Step away or I shoot him." _

_Wo Fat just laughs. "Go ahead." _

"_I will shoot…" She tells him._

"_Do it and she gets it." _

_She realizes that the other guy is pointing his gun at Kono. _

_A part of her, who's still not over Steve almost wishes that the bastard takes the choice away from her and shoots the other girl because she's the one that he loves. But that same part that still loves Steve knows that she can't let it happen for that very same reason. Steve loves her and it would destroy him if she died. But her arm still wavers as she steals a look at Kono to assess how hurt she is. _

_It's when her gaze finally meets Kono's eyes that she knows what to do._

"_Well? What will it be?" Wo Fat asks._

_Time seems to slow down for her even though she knows things happen quite quickly._

_She sees her arm move and adjust the aim of the gun from Wo Fat towards Kono's direction and registers the other woman's move to push herself up on her feet._

_She feels the recoil as the gun she's holding goes off and sees Kono's body moving sideways._

_She hears the answering gunfire but doesn't feel anything..._

_And then she smells it…_

_The metallic odor of gunpowder..._

_And blood..._

_And then everything goes black again._

* * *

**AN:** This chapter is sort of experimental in that it shifts back and forth in terms of timeline. I hope it's not too confusing and if it is, do let me know so I can make adjustments in the succeeding chapters. I also hope this chapter answers some of your questions, although I know I'm leaving you with a couple more. I hope you continue to read and support this fic anyway.

JJP29 – Here's the update as promised.

Guest – Glad you liked Danny's talk with Catherine cause I really thought it needed to be said.

Rain – Thanks for reading my two fics and I'm happy that you like both =)

TvFanatic97 – I enjoyed writing Danny's POV too re: the hickey and Catherine's antics so I'm glad you liked how I did it. As for the lemony stuff – I'm always a bit unsure about how I write that stuff so feedback is always welcome

KoVeLover – Thanks for dropping by

Fairgirl – Sorry – it is Catherine in that last part of the chapter =(

Robinh – Always glad to see your feedback on my fics. I hope you like this one too

MeMii – The confrontation between Steve and Catherine (the longer one) will be in the next chapter

Titaundomiel – Thanks. Glad you liked the lemony stuff

Shani8 – Yep, Danny's talk did register with Catherine (somewhat)

Tanya2byour21 – Unfortunately it was Catherine in that last part of the chapter

Harleyzgirl – WoFat finally makes a re-appearance – more on him in the next chapter

Christinaxa – More nightmarish events for Steve unfortunately =( I love Danny a lot so I chose him to have that talk with Catherine specifically

Lydia – Sorry for the cliffie – I'm afraid you're going to hate this one too – sorry =( Anyway, it is Catherine in that last part of the chapter.

Bushy4 – LOL about your comment re: kicking someone's ass with words.

Detective XO – Glad you're still enjoying this fic, cliffhangers and all

Halle Alexis – Here's more

Sidalee – It's always a pleasure to see you comment on my fics! I hope you know how much I truly appreciate it. Not sure what you'll think about Catherine after this chapter but I hope you still find everyone acting in character.

To the rest of my readers, thanks for dropping by and hope to hear from you soon.

PS: Oh and in case any of you are interested, I made a YouTube playlist of all the songs featured in this fic

_just type in : playlist?list=PLwGrzRIHCGDqUM5Y0WOjlN-v6nMRDrEZb after the YouTube URL_


	20. Breathe (redux)

**Chapter 20. Breathe (redux)**

**Disclaimer : **All recognizable characters from the show aren't mine (cause if they were, I would write Catherine and Adam out except as fodders for maybe a jealousy angle *sigh*). Unbeta'ed so all mistakes are mine.

**AN:** So I will break protocol and begin this with my AN because I need to warn you people. I was beginning to write the update to OUaK when I stumbled on Lenkov's interview online and read his 'plans' for expanding Catherine's character as well as continuing Adam's involvement with Kono and I just sort of lost it. I know Adam is hot and all and in a world where Steve didn't exist I would root for him for Kono (even if he's Yakuza because then it just becomes a good vs evil kind of a romance). And Catherine might be Lenkov's idea of a Girl Friday and a perfect foil for Steve BUT NO! Just…no! My poor shipper heart was just crushed and it was like Puckleberry and Dair all over again (and in some ways Bamon too because they're almost canon in the book) and yet TPTB just won't give them a chance =( And okay so maybe I am alienating some of my readers who might happen to be Finchel or Chair or Delena but I just want to rant a little bit so please bear with me). And since my not-so-happy feelings can't exactly be appropriated in a fic that's based on fairytales, I'm afraid this one was the winner. Anyway this is AU now cause I am ignoring the resurrection of Steve's mom.

So if you happen to find this very OoC and feel the urge to kill me after reading this installment, well you know who to blame. That being said, read at your own risk.

* * *

_Music starts playin' like the end of a sad movie_

_It's the kinda ending you don't really wanna see_

_'Cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down_

_Now I don't know what to be without you around…_

_And I can't breathe_

_Without you, but I have to_

_Breathe_

_Without you..._

_- Breathe, Taylor Swift_

* * *

It's been two weeks and 2 days since Kono officially rejoined the task force.

Sixteen days since Steve had made the announcement that made H50 a five-man team.

Three hundred eighty four hours since that moment when Danny had seen how much the news had stunned and gutted the other female in the room (despite her best efforts to hide it).

Twenty three thousand and forty minutes since that awkward moment when their Team Leader and newly reinstated team mate officially outed their relationship to the rest of the team.

One million three hundred eighty two thousand, four hundred seconds since he and Chin celebrated the return of the heart of their team.

...

But it's been forty seven hours and twenty five minutes and three seconds since that five-man H5O team officially became a four-man entity again.

Danny wonders just how long though before it becomes a three-man team…

* * *

"_You shot her?" Steve's voice was icy with venom as he asked his former lover._

_Catherine flinched before she whispered back, "I don't know."_

"_You don't…" He had to forcibly stop himself from shaking her. "Are you f*cking kidding me?" _

"_It all happened so fast…I was aiming for the other guy but she moved the last minute and I…"_

_It is Chin who physically stopped Steve from getting his hands on her by dragging him away._

"_Do you remember anything else? Who took her?" Danny asked urgently._

"_I don't know…someone tackled me and I hit my head and I passed out." She was shouting back, unable to bear Steve's seeming hatred of her._

_Danny looked like he wanted to say something but his phone rang before he can do so. "Williams." He signaled for Steve and Chin to come closer before putting his phone on speaker. "Speak to us Max."_

"_The blood's definitely Kono's."_

* * *

"Where is he?" Chin asks as the blonde joins him up in the front pew.

"He's not coming." Danny answers with red-rimmed eyes.

* * *

_Steve's phone rang just as they had had confirmation from Max that it had been Kono's blood at the warehouse._

"_McGarrett." He answered while putting the phone on speaker._

"_Did you get my present?" WoFat's voice greeted them._

"_You son of a bitch!" Steve's shouted in response even as Chin quickly went about trying to trace the call._

"_Tsk tsk…that's the thanks I get for letting your new team mate go?" _

"_Where's Kono? Don't you f*cking dare hurt her!"_

"_Oops…too late for that…"_

"_You bastard!"_

_Wo Fat laughed. "But it wasn't even my gun that hit her."_

_Danny saw Catherine crumple where she stood as the import of his words sank in and he quickly moved to catch her even as Steve's face paled at the news. _

"_Is she…" The Navy SEAL was unable to continue._

"_She's alive…for now."_

"_Please…" Steve started and Danny and Chin's eyes widened at the realization that their team leader was about to beg. _

"_This is what's going to happen McGarrett." Wo Fat cuts in before Steve could continue. "You and your team are going to steal all of the evidence that HPD has against me and you're going to deliver them to me."_

"_You're f*cking insane if you think…"_

_Wo Fat continues on as though uninterrupted. "You're going to do as I say if you don't want your fiancée's entrails delivered to your front steps."_

_Steve ignores the questioning look that Chin and Danny directs at him and asks, _"_How do I know she's even alive?" _

_Danny knew just how much it cost for Steve to ask the question._

_They hear a beep as an incoming message comes through Danny's phone. It's a short video clip of Kono awake looking none the worse for wear save for the bloody bandage around her head. There's no sound so they don't know what she's saying but the date and time stamp indicated it had been taken just a couple of minutes before._

"_If you renege on this…"_

"_I won't. And as a gesture of good faith on my part, I will send you proof of life each day."_

"_How will…"_

"_You have one week." _

_And then the call was cut._

"_Did you get him?" Steve asked Chin urgently. _

_The older man almost threw his phone in frustration. "He knew just how long it takes to avoid completing a trace…"_

* * *

The older man's face mirrors that of his blonde teammate as the priest asks for a member of the family to speak.

There's a moment when he thinks about running away because when he turns to look ahead, he sees her face staring at him and it's all he can do not to cry like a baby because he can't bear to do this.

Not again.

* * *

_After a week of dead ends, they were running on empty. Both Chin and Steve looked like ghosts, running on pure adrenaline. And Catherine…she just looked like death warmed over. He was exhausted too but he endured because he knew he needed to be strong. With Kono missing, it seemed as though that he was all that held the team together most days. _

_Each day they got a video as proof of life. And each day, they chased after the clues that Wo Fat has left behind even as they frantically planned and figured out how to get around his demand. They'd considered letting the Governor in on the whole thing but Steve was afraid that Wo Fat might find out and kill Kono, plus they're not even sure that Denning would agree anyway._

_Maybe it was their collective worry for Kono that made them function as a team, even though Steve had pretty much frozen Catherine out, only interacting with her when necessary. He'd never been more grateful that Chin had somehow found it in himself not to blame their new teammate for her role in getting Kono injured and abducted. _

_As for him, well, he'd like to think that it wasn't just guilt (or remorse) on Catherine's part that made her work harder at helping the team find Kono because to do otherwise would just make things even harder to take. He had also been taking his cue from Kono herself, who, before she'd been taken, had made an effort to mend fences with Catherine. _

_His musings were cut short when Steve's phone rang._

"_Time's up." Wo Fat's voice greeted their Team Leader when he answered his phone._

"_Just tell me where to meet you."_

"_You don't want your final clue first?"_

"_Where. Do. We. Meet?"_

"_Oh don't be so hasty Lt. Commander or we won't be seeing each other."_

"_You bastard! You said if we did what you asked…" _

"_I wasn't finished." The other man cut him off. "You will have to meet me at the address I will be sending you after this call. Then and only then will you get Ms Kalakaua's location."_

"_And the catch?"_

_All Steve got are two words. _

"_Tick tock."_

* * *

"Chin…" Danny's quiet voice breaks through his trance and it is with shaky legs that he finally forces himself to stand up and walk to the front.

And it's with a voice, hoarse and weary from grief, that he begins it.

His eulogy for her.

* * *

"_I'm here." Steve called out as he stood in a field with miles of nothing around. Nothing that is, except a helicopter. _

"_Hand it over to my colleague." Wo Fat shouted as the helicopter's propeller began to turn._

"_Where is she?" He asked after handing over the evidence to the man pointing the gun at him._

"_Patience." The other man answered as he goes over the stuff that Steve has brought._

"_Where is she?"_

* * *

"Even though I walk through valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil…"

The priest's voice is carried by the wind throughout the church and outside, where he is standing by the bottom step, unable to move.

He feels rather than sees her stand next to him.

"You should be in there…" She tells him quietly.

He ignores her and starts walking back to his car without answering. He shouldn't have come.

"She would have wanted you to…"

"What the hell do you know about what she wants?" The words come out harshly as he turns to look at her. "You didn't really know her!"

She flinches but holds her ground. "Maybe not, but if I had been in her shoes I would have wanted you to be there."

"Well you're not in her shoes are you?" He knows his words imply that it would have been better if it had been her but he doesn't really care if she feels wounded. Not anymore.

"Steve…"

"Just leave me be, Catherine."

"Where are you going?" She asks, ignoring his request.

"To my car." He answers succinctly.

"I mean why the bags? Where are you going?"

"None of your business."

"So what? You're just going to up and leave H50 again?" She keeps at him with anger in her voice. "What kind of a team leader are you?"

"The kind that just quit." He answers before he turns to open his car so he can get in.

"What?" She asks frantically as she holds on to his arm. "Why?"

"Let me go." He tells her quietly.

"No!" She shouts at him.

"Let me go or so help me…"

"So help you what? You're going to hit me? Go ahead! Hit me!"

He doesn't say anything. He just moves to hold on to her wrist to get her to let go of his arm.

"I said hit me!"

"Are you f*cking insane?" He whispers to her harshly.

"What?! Because I want you to hurt me? F*ck you Steve! You couldn't possibly hurt me more than you already have with your cold indifference!"

A part of him wants to do exactly that. Hurt her, even though he's never ever hit a woman before. But even if he did, he knows that it won't make him feel any better. She might have been there when Kono was taken and she might or might not have shot her…but at the end of the day, Kono was targeted by WoFat because of him. And so if he all he really wanted was someone to blame, he needn't look further than his own face in the mirror.

"Just…just let it be Cath…" He tells her gently, hoping she understands.

"I can't!" She whispers back brokenly. "It's my fault…"

"Listen, I don't blame you…" He tells her and at her look of disbelief, "I don't." he says it more forcefully, willing her to accept his words.

"But you're leaving…"

"I'm leaving because I have to find them…"

"Them?"

"I know he still has her."

"Her?" She asks in bewilderment and then gives a start as though realizing finally what he means. "You mean Kono? But she's…"

"NO!" The words come out harshly, brooking no further argument.

* * *

_Chin's call came exactly twenty minutes after Wo Fat's helicopter took off. Steve was already on his way to the location that the bastard had specified._

"_Talk to me."_

"_Her cell phone's GPS signal just came on and we've already tracked it. We're on our way and I'm sending you the location right now."_

"_Okay got it, I'll meet you there in … hang on, I'm getting an incoming call…"_

_He takes the call waiting and Kono's voice comes through "Steve!" Her voice held a note of panic._

"_Kono! You're alright!" He was surprised to realize that his hands had started shaking at finally hearing her voice and he could barely concentrate on his driving. "I'm twenty minutes away."_

"_No!" She shouted._

"_What do you mean no?"_

_"Don't come here! Just...just remember that I love you."_

_"I love you too but you're not making any sense. "_

_"No, Steve, listen."_

_"__Chin and Danny are meeting me there…" He cut her off._

"_No! Make them turn around." Her voice had turned frantic._

"_What? Why?"_

"_This place is set to explode."_

"_Kono…"_

"_Damn it! Listen to me Steve! The whole place is rigged to explode and I can't get out."_

* * *

"Steve…"

"She's not dead…" he could barely get the words past his lips. "She's not." He repeats and ignores the look of pity she gives him.

"But didn't you say that the ri…"

"Yes, the ring is hers…"

* * *

_They had just finished soaking (and being frisky) in the bathtub and she was standing with one foot on the bed as she rubs lotion on her leg wearing just his Navy PT shirt when it struck him. That almost overwhelming feeling of rightness and belonging that choked him up and made his heart pound so loudly, he feared she might actually be able to hear it. He must have been staring at her for some time because she frowned at him and asked, "What?"_

_It took him a couple of seconds to answer. "You're just…you're so beautiful." His voice came out gruffly._

_She laughed. "What? You're only just realizing that McGarrett?" _

_He grinned as he made his way towards her. "No. I actually thought that the first time we met."_

"_Yeah? I couldn't tell, you were hiding behind those glasses."_

_It was his turn to laugh. "I was actually checking you out, but Chin was there…"_

_She turned towards him and stood on her tiptoes so she could wrap her arms around his shoulders. "Well…if we're being honest, I was checking you out too."_

"_Could have fooled me." He answered as he lifted her by her bottom so she could wrap his legs around his hips._

"_Well, like you said, Chin was there so I couldn't make it obvious." _

"_I guess." _

"_Hey…the bed's not this way…" She complained when she realized he was moving them towards the corner of the room where his footlocker was. _

"_I know." He answered before laying her gently on the chair propped against the wall._

"_What are you doing?" She asked curiously when he opened the footlocker and started rifling through its contents. "Babe, the condoms are in the drawer by the bed." She teased._

"_I know that smartass…" He threw at her just before his fingers encountered the box he'd been looking for._

"_So what is it you needed to find that's more important than taking me to be…" Her words trail off when she finally saw what was in his hands._

"_I was looking for this…" He began as his heart started beating triple time at her stunned look._

"_Steve…" Her voice came out hoarsely._

_He was already kneeling so he just adjusted his direction so he was facing her and with hands shaking quite a bit, he opened the box in his hand and cleared his throat. "I know we haven't really been back together for a long time but…" His voice gave out and he had to swallow nervously when her eyes widened and started tearing up. "God, Kono, I 'm so f*cking in love with you and this is probably freaking you out but I…"_

_He was unable to finish because she had already launched herself at him, and almost knocked him down._

"_Does that mean you're saying yes?" He asked, just to be certain._

"_Just so I'm sure…what was the question again?" She whispered the words to his neck._

_He laughed because he realized she was hiding her face because she was embarrassed that she hadn't even let him finish what he was going to say. "Marry me?"_

_Her arms tightened briefly before she finally moved so she could look at him. "Are you sure?" She whispered._

"_Seriously?" He groaned at her answer._

"_What?" She asked as though she hadn't just popped his balloon with that unexpected pin of a question._

"_I go down on my knees and ask you to marry me and you answer by asking if I'm sure?"_

"_Well, are you?" She frowned and asked him testily._

"_God, it's no wonder I'm so crazy about you." He leered at her good naturedly._

"_I'm still waiting…" She continued as though she didn't even know how the feel of her pert posterior resting quite enticingly over his manhood has started to affect him._

"_Yes you daft woman! I'm sure!"_

"_Good!" She finally smiled. "Because it's a yes!"_

* * *

"The ring is hers…" He repeats as he shakes off the memory of his proposal. "But that body is not hers. No DNA…"

"You heard her…"

"It's not her." He insists, knowing he's sounding crazier by the second.

"Steve, her phone signal came from that site…"

"It's not her because if it was… then shouldn't I feel it?"

She doesn't say anything.

"She's not gone…" He repeats, willing her to accept his words. "Because I still feel her…here…" He points to his chest as he says this.

"Steve…"

"If she was really gone…I would know because then I wouldn't be able to breathe…" The words are harder and harder to say.

"Oh God…" is all she can say before she tries to take him in her arms.

He resists because he doesn't need her comfort. There's nothing to seek comfort for because Kono is not dead. The ashes in that urn are not hers… Because if they were, he thinks maybe he should be feeling more pain than this. If it had been her in that warehouse then his heart should have already ceased its beating. After all, how can one's heart continue to beat when one is no longer breathing? Didn't he just tell her that she's all that he needs to breathe?

* * *

_It took some time before the ring finally made it to her finger because she'd been too busy 'confirming' for herself that he really was 'sure.' And they had to fumble around the floor on their hands and knees because she'd knocked the ring out of the box and it rolled (it turned out) underneath the bed. _

_By the time they made it to the bed, he'd been breathless (from both activities). _

"_Don't tell me the great Navy SEAL is out of shape?" She teased him._

"_Hey! I'm not out of shape! Why would you say that?"_

_She laughed. "You're out of breath."_

_He rolled them over so he's lying on top of her and looked into her eyes intently. "Baby, you're the only air that I need."_

* * *

But then again, the heart is an involuntary muscle so maybe he's already dying and he just doesn't know it yet. Maybe it's just thumping its last few beats before it finally succumbs from lack of air.

He hopes so anyway.

Until then he will refuse to believe that she was really in that warehouse when it exploded.

Because the truth is, if he actually starts to accept that she's really gone…then even the prospect of finding Wo Fat and getting his revenge on him won't be enough motivation for him to go on.

* * *

**Somewhere in Japan, 12 hours later**

A man is sitting on a tatami, deep in meditation. The wind outside the kominka suddenly picks up, making an almost whistling sound as the light from the lantern outside starts to flicker before going out completely.

No other sound can be heard save for the soft whisper of shoji doors being quietly slid open.

* * *

**AN2:** Okay so if you made it through to here then I guess you did read this chappie so thanks.

MeMii – Yes, poor Steve indeed. Sorry if this chapter sucks =(

Sidalee – Glad I can still surprise you – but I'm not sure this chapter is the kind you'd like. Hope you continue reading anyway

Robinh – Roller coaster just stopped and it's probably not at the destination you wanted, sorry =(

TvFanatic97 – I just know that this chapter didn't leave you feeling giddy so sorry for that. The next one will depend on how fast my shippy bubble takes to reinflate and bounce back. Hope you hang in there though

KoVeLover – This is what happened =(

Detective-XO – Hopefully this chapter won't push you past the edge of insanity

Bushy4 – I hope the way I wrote this, although moving back and forth from the present to flashbacks, isn't too confusing

Lydia – I'm so sorry for breaking your heart – I really hadn't meant to because I was all set to go the other scenario I had been considering but then the season premiered and then the interview so…

Shani8 – I hope that after this you will still find it in you to continue reading

Tanya2byour21 – Not sure if you'll still consider this great writing though…

Francis2 - Sorry for the confusion – I hope this one's better

Fairgirl – Yes, WF is a mean SOB but don't worry, he'll get his comeuppance next chapter

Harleyzgirl – Your question has just been answered. Yes, WF is getting on my last nerve too so he'll get his next chapter I promise.

And to my other readers, thanks for reading and hope you continue to read despite how this chapter has gone.


	21. Ashes

**Chapter 21. Ashes**

**Disclaimer : **All recognizable characters from the show aren't mine (however much I wish it were otherwise)

Unbeta'ed so all mistakes are mine.

* * *

_Beautiful, I should have told you the first time I saw your eyes_

_Beautiful, I should have told you all along_

_I should have told you all along…_

_And I just want my heart to fall apart, to ashes. _

_And I just want this love to waste away, to ashes. _

_And I just want my heart to tear apart, to ashes. _

_To ashes._

_- Ashes, Andy Brown_

* * *

"_Why aren't you dressed yet?" Danny's voice sounded from behind him._

"_I'm not going." He answered without turning around._

"_You're a piece of sh*t! Do you know that?"_

_He sighed and finally turned around. "What do you want from me?"_

"_Damn it, Steven! We can't keep having this conversation." Frustration was evident in his partner…former partner's face._

"_So stop coming here then." He told the other man._

"_You need to come say goodbye to her."_

_He laughed without humor. "Why would I want to say goodbye to someone I don't know?"_

"_What the f*ck are you talking about? Kono…"_

"_Don't." He told his partner coldly. _

"_Of all the…" Danny walked towards him. "She IS dead!"_

"_No." That one word carried with it all his hopes._

"_She's dead. Her ashes are…"_

"_That's not her." He cut him off and ignored the pity he saw in the blonde detective's face._

"_Look, no matter how much you wish it were otherwise, she's gone. She IS DEAD!"_

_He hated the certainty he heard in Danny's voice. "I never thought you had it in you to be cruel Danny."_

_His words seemed to deflate the other man. "It's not being cruel if it's true."_

"_What does it matter if I believe otherwise then?" _

"_It matters because you're going on another foolhardy quest to bring Wo Fat back!"_

"_So what?" He asked in annoyance. "Don't tell me you don't want that bastard's head on a platter for what he did to…" _

_Danny looked him in the eye and dared him. "Finish it."_

_He ignored the other man's demand._

"_Finish that f*cking sentence!" Danny goaded him._

"_Just leave Danny."_

"_Do you really think she'd want that? You think she'd want you to go on some suicide mission and die?"_

"_I'm dead anyway!" The words came out against his will._

_"What?" Confusion lined Danny's face. "So what? You're saying I'm talking to a ghost now?"_

"_You wouldn't understand." He said tiredly._

"_Try me."_

"_If she's…" He couldn't say the words. "…then I might as well be." _

"_You might as well be…" It was Danny's turn to laugh without humor. "Are you seriously telling me that you want to die too?"_

"_I love her." He hoped the words were explanation enough._

"_Do you really think dying shows how much you really loved her?" Danny asked incredulously. "You miserable misguided assh*le! Dying is easy! It's the living after everything that's happened that is hard! If you really want to show her, wherever you believe she is, that you loved her then damn it, live for her!"_

_The words were like bullets piercing through his armor but he soldiered on because he couldn't accept that. So he answered the only way he could. "Leave. Before I forget you're my friend."  
_

* * *

He tries not to think about Danny's words too when he finally finds himself able to drive away from both Catherine and the church. He thinks maybe in different circumstances, he'd be amused that for two people who haven't really spent a lot of time talking to each other and who don't really seem to get along or like one another, they sure share very similar ideas (at least when it comes to him). He checks his watch and sees that he has several hours to kill before he needs to head out to the airport for his late evening flight. He also notes that it's been an hour since he'd managed to get away from Catherine and that he's been driving aimlessly since then. When he finally takes a moment to actually take in where he is, he realizes that he hasn't been driving aimlessly after all because he's actually in front of her house.

His knuckles tighten on the steering wheel as he tries to fight the urge to go in and look and smell and touch all the things that she's left behind. He hasn't been there since the explosion because he doesn't want to see all the reminders that she hasn't been home for the longest time.

In his mind he can picture what he knows he'd find. There's her mug in the kitchen that's still lying on top of the drying rack. There's that ratty old stuffed bear she's had since she was a child that she hides in her closet and thinks he doesn't know about. There's the Navy PT shirt of his that she had appropriated for herself that's still waiting to be washed bundled in the hamper. The smell of her lotion and the soap and shampoo she likes to use. There's her toothbrush by the bathroom sink lying alongside his.

He breathes in deeply and moves to start the engine of his car again because he needs to be as far away from here as possible. But just as he is about to, he sees the door open. He is out of his car before he even registers that he's moved and already has his gun in his hand. He is nearly at her door when he sees the person coming out of the house.

"Steve?"

* * *

**H50 HQ, five months later.**

"Has he checked in yet?" Danny asks as soon as he enters HQ.

Chin looks up from the smart table and shakes his head. "We've been waiting."

The blonde detective nods as he joins both his teammates as they go over the details of the case they're currently working on. By the time they're through with their briefing, a half hour has passed and almost in synchrony, the three of them check the clock on the wall before Danny takes out his cellphone and puts it on the table. There's a moment when he wonders if maybe this is the day when they finally don't hear from Steve and his heart starts to beat nervously. He looks up and sees the same nervousness reflected in Catherine's face despite her efforts to hide it.

"He'll call." It is Chin's turn to say it this time. They've been taking turns these last couple of months whenever it's time for their (former) Team Leader's (promised) scheduled biweekly calls.

"Chin and I will go check out the victim's office." Catherine finally breaks the silence as ten AM comes and goes and the phone has yet to ring.

"No." Danny stops them."You're better at the tech stuff Chin so you need to be here. I'll go with Catherine." He finishes as he picks up the phone and pockets it.

…

They're at the door when he feels rather than hears his phone jangle in his pocket.

"You're late." He answers succinctly, foregoing the usual niceties as he puts the call on speaker.

"There was a long line at the phone booth."

They all roll their eyes at the absurdity of Steve's excuse.

"Are you okay?" It is Catherine who asks.

Danny notes the small wince she tries to hide when the Navy SEAL ignores her question and asks, "Chin?"

"She's doing much better. She's been walking again." Chin answers their former Boss' unspoken question.

"That's good." The relief is palpable in Steve's voice.

"When are you coming back?" Like always, Danny never fails to ask the question.

And like always, Steve doesn't answer it. "I need to go now. Someone needs to use the phone."

"Steve…" Chin is unable to finish because the line goes dead.

* * *

Danny stifles the urge to hit something as he's always wont to do each time Steve calls. He knows they should be grateful that their former Team Leader has given in enough to promise regular phone calls just to let them know he hasn't bitten the bullet just yet. But it kills him to know that the stupid SOB is out there by himself playing Russian roulette with his life while looking for WoFat.

A part of him wishes that Steve does find the bastard so the nightmare that just keeps on giving is finally over. But a larger part of him is also terrified of this actually happening because with Wo Fat gone, there is literally nothing else that would keep Steve from just walking in front of a bullet or a bus…not even his sister.

* * *

Steve pulls his jacket closer as he trudges in the snow back to his chosen hideout. For months he's been all over Japan following lead after lead. But even with Joe's help, as well as that of his numerous other contacts, he keeps coming up short. Always one step too late. A part of him just wants to give up. But the thought that giving up meant having to finally let her go is enough to pull him together and keep on going.

Because accepting that she's really gone?

NOT an option.

He has a promise to keep, not only to himself but also to her.

The only other person who believes that somehow, despite overwhelming odds and proof to the contrary, Kono is still alive out there and that Wo Fat holds the key.

* * *

"_Steve?"_

"_Mrs. Kalakaua." He relaxed his stance and brought down the arm holding the gun._

"_Makuahine." _

_He gave her a puzzled look before he realized what she meant by correcting him. "You knew?" _

"_That you asked her to marry you?" She nodded. "She called me the following day."_

"_I wanted to come to your house to formally ask…we planned it for that weekend…" He trailed off because they both knew why it didn't happen._

_She nodded again in understanding before she asked softly. "You didn't go?" _

"_I'm sorry…" He offered, not quite sure whether he was apologizing for the fact that he didn't go to the service or that it's entirely his fault that she…_

"_Do you love my daughter?" The question was asked in the same vein as one would ask about the weather._

_He was surprised by the question because he figured it was a logical conclusion given that he'd asked Kono to marry him. But he answered anyway. "Yes. Yes I do." _

_She smiled and moved closer to him. "Enough to do the right thing?" _

_Her question threw him for a loop. "The right thing?" _

_She gave him a penetrating stare without saying anything and it was with surprise that he realized he actually understood what she meant without her having to elaborate._

"_Well?" She waited for him to speak._

_"Yes. I love her enough to bring her back." To you. To us._

* * *

He knows Danny, Chin and Catherine think he's gone crazy. And there were days in the aftermath of the explosion when he'd thought that maybe he had. It had been such a relief to realize that he wasn't the only one who actually believed that Kono's still alive. And so he'd promised her that he'd bring her daughter back. And that he'd make Wo Fat pay for everything that he'd put them through.

She had then extracted from him a promise to call her periodically.

* * *

_The first time he called he figured she only wanted him to call so he could update her on his progress. She quickly disabused him of the notion when she didn't even ask about how close he was to finding Wo Fat. Instead she asked if he was eating and sleeping properly. He'd been intimidated enough to answer truthfully and was bemused when she proceeded to scold him like…like he'd once seen her scold Kono (back when they weren't even close to being together just yet)._

_It took all he had not to break down because it had been so, so long since he'd felt anything remotely close to motherly concern and it felt…nice. Then they started talking about Kono – not in the past tense because they both knew in their hearts that she was still out there – and he realized that he was glad for the companionship, even if it came from across the miles. Between them, they kept each other's hopes alive. _

_It was when she failed to answer his call on the third week of his third month away that he started asking Chin about her. He then learned that she had suffered a mild stroke but that she was recovering. The question was extended again the next time he called until it had eventually become part of his biweekly calls to the team. He wasn't sure what his former team mate thought about this but he was grateful that the other man chose to just update him without asking questions._

* * *

Sometimes, when the trail goes cold, as it has a number of times, he finds himself staring at the worn photograph he's had of her for some time. He remembers exactly when it was taken.

* * *

_He and Chin had just come back to HQ to find Danny chasing after Kono. She was so intent on escaping the clutches of their blonde team mate that she didn't see them coming through and proceeded to run right smack dab into him. And because he hadn't been expecting the contact, he hadn't had time to brace himself and so the both of them went toppling down in a tangle of limbs. _

_He told himself the breathlessness he felt was a result of the fall and her heavy (not really) body on top of him and not because everywhere their skins touched, he'd felt electricity shoot up his spine and certainly not because for that brief moment in time when their eyes met he really 'saw' her. Not just as an attractive woman who happened to work for him but rather __**the**__ woman who had by turns made him laugh with her sometimes off-color humor and playfulness, made him proud of how quickly she'd proven herself to be a valuable asset to the team, left him in awe of her marksmanship and general badassness (if that was even a term), and brought out his protective instincts whenever she got hurt or sad. _

_She had, of course, quickly scrambled off him, blushing quite becomingly, but not before Danny had managed to take a picture with his cell phone. It turned out that the reason he'd been chasing her in the first place was because she'd playfully taken a picture of him dozing in his office chair in a not so flattering position. _

_He'd threatened Danny bodily harm (on the pretext that he was also in that photo) when the latter wouldn't delete the file and so one day he'd 'borrowed' the other man's cell phone (without him none the wiser) and proceeded to delete it (but not before he copied said file onto his cell). Later on he'd cropped himself out the photo and printed it and kept a copy of it in the drawer by his bed and then eventually in his wallet (in the aftermath of their abduction when she'd left)._

* * *

At that time he didn't question why he found that photo so fascinating because her full face isn't even visible. He even felt like a pervert for keeping it because back then he'd been in denial about what that moment of 'seeing' her really meant. Back then he'd convinced himself she was off limits for a host of reasons he now knows were just excuses.

Now, he wishes he'd realized it sooner. And that he'd acted as soon as he figured things out. And that he hadn't let Wo Fat's escape get in the way of their relationship.

Because then they would have had more time together. And maybe Wo Fat wouldn't have succeeded in taking them both. And he would have asked her to marry him that much sooner. And that maybe they'd already be married now.

And maybe he wouldn't be lying here miserable and missing her like hell and feeling so torn apart. And maybe he wouldn't catch himself wishing (sometimes – when things seem hopeless) that his love for her just fades away so he can just be the person he had been before her. And maybe he wouldn't both dread and anticipate the time when he'd finally catch up to Wo Fat.

Because then he'd know for sure.

Whether those ashes were really hers.

* * *

**AN:** Okay, so still no resolution on the WF front…sorry about that =( Although I actually already have a clear idea of how I want that take down to happen, it seems like my shippy bubble hasn't reinflated and bounced back and I haven't fully worked out my not-so-happy feels just yet – this chapter being a case in point as well as the fact that despite numerous attempts to actually sit down and write an update for OUaK, I can't seem to get past that part in the episode where Catherine appears - *sigh*

Robinh – I swear I'm not trying to kill you. I'm still happy you're reading this though and that you even find time to actually give me feedback. Thanks very much. I truly appreciate it.

Guest 1 – Hope you still feel the same about my writing after this installment. As for your thoughts on Adam, I don't hate you for it and I actually understand why considering that you're right, it might be the only assurance we have that Kono won't fade into the background because of that Steve & Catherine show.

MeMii – Sorry to break your heart =( As for Kono being alive…we'll see…

Fairgirl – Wo Fat will definitely get what is coming to him (hopefully in the next chapter – really!)

Guest 2 – Glad you liked the flashbacks and it's not too confusing. As for canon S/K – yeah I think that might just be a pipe dream now

Bushy4 – I'm so happy to hear that you loved the story and how I wrote the build up to the funeral. Thanks.

Tanya2byour21 – I thought about having Steve hit Catherine but I couldn't do it…LOL.

Lydia – So glad you found it in you not to go through with not commenting even if the last chapter wasn't exactly very uplifting. At any rate, I do agree with you that a K/S pairing is a long shot but also like you, I had hoped that the producers wouldn't actually kill even the possibility of it dead *sigh* Truth be told I still couldn't make myself watch the new episode (just like I didn't really watch the Season 2 episodes with Lori in them. I just hope my feelings don't follow the way of what I felt with Glee/GG where I basically just stopped watching altogether when that train wreck of a Finchel engagement / and Chair n.0 happened (sorry to fans of those pairings)

Lily – Thanks for liking this fic and as for Kono...well, jury is still out on that one

TvFanatic97 – A little more flashback here for K/S which I hope don't come off as too OoC =)

Francis2 – Hope you enjoy this installement as well

Redlioness62 – Oh Wo Fat will be ended and soon (next chapter I promise)

KoVeLover – Hang in there =)

Shani8 – Thanks for your kind words. I really still like the idea of K/S so I am soldiering on with my two fics (although having a bit of trouble with OUaK at the moment). Here's hoping my shipper heart recovers soon.

AllIsFairInLoveAndWar - =D

Halle Alexis – Glad you liked the proposal . As for thoughts on canon K/S, yeah, you and me both

Jane – As long as the fic is not finished, there's still hope yes? Hope you keep on reading.


	22. Breathe again

**Chapter 22. Breathe again.**

**Disclaimer :** All recognizable characters I do not own. Unbeta'ed so all mistakes are mine.

* * *

_Hang my head, break my heart built from all I have torn apart_  
_And my burden to bear is a love I can't carry anymore_

_All I have, all I need, (s)he's* the air I would kill to breathe_  
_Holds my love in his(er)* hands, still I'm searching for something_

_Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again_

_-Breathe Again, Sara Bareilles_

_*added () to fit this fic's perspective_

* * *

_They met on the steps of his back porch after he'd taken his early morning jog while she hit the waves. _

"_Dibs on the shower." She called out just before she started running inside the house and up the stairs to his bathroom._

"_Oh no you don't." He chased after because he didn't want to stew in his own sweat waiting for her to finish, knowing how long her showers ran. His longer legs made it easy to catch up to her and actually beat her to the bathroom._

"_But I'm wet!" She wailed dramatically as she followed him._

_There was nothing even remotely seductive about the way she said them but damned if his body didn't just react to the words. He turned and gave her a considering look. "How wet?"_

"_Wha…Steve!" She blushed as the implications of his reply registered._

_He laughed before pulling her into his arms. "Man, you're so easy." He deliberately omitted the words 'to fluster' just so he can see how she'd react to his suggestive tone._

_She didn't disappoint because an unholy twinkle sparkled in her eyes. "Easy, huh?"_

_He just raised an eyebrow at her and waited for her next move. And yep, her next move just about made him swallow his own tongue. _

_"Kono." He gasped._

"_Hmm?" _

"_What are…" He was having a hard time stringing words together. "…doing…" He feels rather than sees her lips turn up in amusement. "Not fair…" he complained, albeit half-heartedly, his eyes closing reflexively._

_She didn't say anything and just continued doing what she was doing. _

_And what she was doing was not only making him lose his train of thought but was also starting to make his knees weak. But before his hand could find purchase in her hair for balance, she stopped._

_She f*cking stopped!_

"_Kono!" His complaint lacked force and energy and was barely audible. Which was probably why she ignored it altogether..._

_Of course when he managed to open his eyes, he saw that she'd already stepped into the shower with her bikini top and bottom making a trail on the floor. _

_He was naked and in the shower with her before he even registered the fact that he still had his trainers on._

_And he probably would have found this fact funny and even a little bit weird if he wasn't too busy crowding her inside the shower._

"_Someone's pretty excited…" She gasped when she felt how 'wound up' he was as he pressed against her back._

"_If you think you can leave me hanging like that…" He mock threatened her as he slid his hands down her arms so he could grasp her hands in each of his and placed them against the wall. "Think again…" he whispered against her ear._

"_Oh yeah?" Her question came out in a whisper as she shivered in reaction._

"_Yeah…"_

"_So what are you going to do about it?" She challenged him even as she whimpered at the feel of him hard against the cleft of her backside._

"_Spread them…" He commanded her as he slid a leg between hers to get her to spread them further._

_He felt her tremble as she obeyed his command without a word and he groaned aloud when he felt her moist heat brush against his thigh..._

* * *

His eyes opened to darkness with his heart still pounding from the dream. He was hard and aching and instinctively turned to reach out for her.

Only…

She's not there.

It takes him a moment to remember why the space next to him is empty.

And then all at once the pain hits him hard and he feels the familiar tightness in his chest. He starts to shake uncontrollably as the coldness seeps in and he has to curl up in an effort to stop the tremors. He doesn't know what's happening and wonders if he's getting sick.

But it's when he tastes the salt on his lips and feels the dampness spreading on his pillow that it dawns on him.

He thinks maybe...he's finally starting to mourn.

* * *

"Is everything ready?"

"Yes. Everything is in place."

"Are you sure Wo Fat is there?"

"Yes. Our intel on his location is sound."

"Ok, copy that."

"Can you do this?"

"You doubt me?"

"What I mean to say is, are you ready for this?"

"I've been waiting for this for a long time."

"How long will it take you to set up?"

"Give me an hour after I arrive."

"You need backup?"

"I thought we agreed that I go alone. He won't be expecting me anyway."

"Humor me."

"Joe!"

"Fine. I'll give you a wide berth but will still be on standby."

"You have doubts?"

"He might surprise you."

"I know."

"If you fail…"

"No."

"If you fail…"

"You don't understand. Failure is NOT an option. It all ends tonight."

* * *

An almost unnatural stillness of mind and heart comes over him as he stares at the house before him from his vantage point. An earlier reconnaissance had already told him that the bastard was by the pool area by himself. He dons the night goggles and checks the sensor again. He sees only 5 heat signatures - two inside the house, two outside manning the perimeter and one by the pool area. He is both incensed and relieved that the SOB is so damned smug and sure that _**he**_ wouldn't be found, let alone gotten to, that he didn't even bother surrounding himself with more men.

_Well, he's in for a rude awakening._

* * *

His first target is down within minutes of him breaching the wall. He quickly drags the body into the bushes and rids it of weapons.

He takes a moment to orient himself before making his way towards the next target. He is grateful that the television's noise coming from inside the house will make it a little easier for him to take down his next mark. He's about a couple of feet away when the man drops suddenly. It takes him a couple of seconds to realize that his target has been shot – quietly and efficiently.

He whirls around trying to locate the sniper but it's too dark and he'd gotten rid of the goggles before he'd made his way inside the compound. Instincts drive him to seek cover as he assesses the situation. Is the shooter his ally or his enemy? And then he realizes something.

_Joe_.

He almost wants to break radio silence to rant at the old man but he's way too close to his goal to risk jeopardizing the mission by making an unnecessary noise. So he gives a silent salute in the general direction of the tree line, knowing that whoever Joe had sent will most likely be there with night goggles on. He then moves towards the window and peers in. The two f*cktards are still obliviously watching TV. He figures out his odds of hitting the two men without alerting his main target and comes up short.

_Damn! He needs Joe's help after all. _

He moves away from the side of the house and makes his way to the bushes. He turns his comm. link on but before he can say anything, his mentor's voice crackles through. "Need help?"

_Cocky bastard! _

"Your sniper's mark is on the left, next to the TV."

"Window?"

"Open."

"ETA?"

"In five."

"Copy."

He's off and positioned by the side of the window in less than 2 and taking aim by mark 4.

At minute five, two bodies slump where they sit and he's making his way to the main target.

* * *

"Status?"

"Done and dusted."

"ETA to target?"

"In five. Maybe less."

"Want to join the party?"

* * *

"Get up!" He snarls as he points the gun at the man who's managed to taunt and torment him for the longest time.

"Ah, McGarrett…what took you so long?"

He would have thought by the way he says the words that Wo Fat had really been waiting for him if not for the fact that he'd seen the surprise in the other man's eyes before he could mask it.

"Get. Up." He enunciates each word carefully, not taking his eyes off the man.

"And if I don't?" The bastard has the gall to smirk at him.

"Do not test me because I can just as easily shoot you in there as out."

"What are you waiting for then?" Wo Fat asked silkily.

"Where is she?" The question he has both dreaded and anticipated asking comes out in a growl.

The bastard looks confused for a moment before he starts to laugh and it takes all Steve has not to put a bullet through his brain.

"Don't make me ask again." He keeps his temper in check knowing he still needs the SOB alive to answer the question.

Wo Fat finally stops laughing. "You actually think she's still alive?"

There's a moment when his heart clenches at Wo Fat's words, but he soldiers on. "Where is she?" He repeats the question, trying not to let the other man know just how much the answer to the question means to him.

"Steve, Steve, Steve." There is genuine amusement in the other man's face. "And here I thought you came all this way to kill me."

"Answer the f*cking question." He feels both his mask of composure and his control slipping.

"It seems we have an impasse." The man shrugs and smirks at him.

"You smug son of a bitch. You really think I won't shoot you?"

"Oh I don't think. I know."

He moves his finger towards the trigger and answers quietly. "Try me."

"Do it." Wo Fat dares him. "Do it and you'll never know where she is."

And just like that it hits him.

The bastard is lying.

He doesn't have her.

Which means…

"_No!" _His mind screams at him. _"It can't be. She's not…" _There is a roaring in his ears and the breath is knocked out of him as the truth hits him squarely like a punch in the chest.

The other man mistakes the wavering of his aim as a sign that he believes his bluff and gloats even more. "I knew it."

He doesn't bother answering because he realizes that killing Wo Fat, while satisfying, won't make him feel any better.

Because there is no feeling any better.

Not anymore.

Not when...

He almost slumps where he stands but then the bastard continues to gloat and even he shakes his head at him, completely confident now that this night wouldn't be his last.

"You can't do it."

The words act like a match to his already volatile emotions and so he finds himself raising his arm again and taking aim. Emotions tightly leashed once again and stares at the man responsible for everything with all the hatred naked in his eyes.

"You wouldn't…" Mirth still laces the words the other man speaks as he looks Steve in the eye with challenge.

His forefinger slides down to the trigger...but before he could pull, the other man's head snaps back as the familiar sound of a bullet ejecting from a silencer-muzzled gun pierces the quiet of the night.

And then he's staring at Wo Fat's body floating by the pool, eyes open macabrely.

He thinks he might have gone into a trance...until he hears the words spoken from behind him.

"But I would."

* * *

**AN: ** Are you ready to kill me yet? Sorry for another cliffie. BUT hey…the fact that I updated so fast must count for something right? That, and the fact that as promised, WF did get what was coming to him here. Anyway, I hope this chapter isn't too far out there and my attempt at an action sequence while probably ain't really up there (so to speak) is at least passable (I hope). And yeah, I am keeping my fingers crossed that you all wouldn't find the denouement (as it were) a let down. =)

Also, let me just say that I am in no way advocating violence in any shape or form but I hope (again) that how WF meets his end here didn't turn anyone off.

Robinh – As always, thanks for your feedback. Yeah, I've always thought Steve would deal better with grief/anger by being proactive. Hope his way of grieving here is not too OoC

Fairgirl – Thanks. I really wanted to bring in the perspective of someone really close to Kono (aside from Chin) given the circumstance

TvFanatic97 – Thank you for your kind words. I'm super glad you still find my writing in character because that's really a main concern when I write fanfics. As for Kono's mom, I figured, if Steve could hold up hope for Kono's survival, then the most likely person who'll probably feel the same way is her mom (for some reason, it's canon in my head that Kono's dad is dead – not quite sure why though)

KoVeLover – Well if memory of my MBB classes serves me right, I don't think you can test for DNA on cremated ashes as the heat would be too high for them not to be degraded. However for the purposes of this fic let's assume that whatever remained of the explosion was no longer viable for DNA testing. (It probably sounds like a cop out but I beg your indulgence on this point). =)

Rain – Uhm…I don't know what to say…

Francis2 – Glad you still find my story enjoyable =)

Tanya2byour21 – Well, here's the update. Do let me know what you think.

Redlioness62 – Yep, am trying to keep the hope alive (through my fics anyway)…as for watching the show…jury's still up on that

Titaundomiel – Thank you for your kind words. I do appreciate them.

Shani8 – Oh…don't cry please =) Glad you're still hanging in there despite the angst though.

Lydia – Wow. Thank you, thank you for your words. As for my attempt to take my mind off the demise of a K/S pairing on TV, I'm glad there's JApril to look forward to (I squeed like crazy when I saw the season 9 trailer for GA) and Merlin starts next week (where Arthur and Gwen ARE married already) so, Yay!

Guest – Glad you took time to give me feedback (and for saying you like my story – I appreciate that). As for your other point, yeah I do understand that H50 is actually a procedural and not a romantic show and I have watched (faithfully) a lot of shows of the same nature where the leads do have incredible chemistry and sizzle and kept fans crazy with the 'will they or will they not' question, TiVa on NCIS for one – which I've watched from the very first episode (back when they still had Kate instead of Ziva) and I am still watching it now (even its reruns), as well as Bones (which I also still watch) - so don't think that I watch shows just for the romance (though it's obviously a big part of my enjoyment). That being said, I don't really know why I find myself lacking patience for H50 =( But then again, I've yet to write fanfics for either TiVa or Brennan/Booth, so go figure. LOL.

And as for my other (silent) readers, thanks for hanging in there and I really really do hope to hear from you before this fic ends…which by my estimate would be in a chapter or two (again, this depends on my muses) but definitely not more than three. Until next time.


	23. Gone

**Chapter 23: Gone**

**Disclaimer** : Anything you recognize, I do not own. Unbeta'ed so all mistakes are mine.

* * *

_I've been sitting here__  
__Can't get you off my mind__  
__I've tried my best to be a man and be strong__  
__I've drove myself insane__  
__Wishing I could touch your face__  
__But the truth remains..__You're gone..__  
__You're gone..__  
__Baby you're gone__  
__Girl you're gone, baby girl, you're gone..__  
__You're gone..__  
__You're..._

_- Gone, 'N'Sync_

* * *

"_But I would."_

Steve is still frozen where he stands.

"We have to go now. His men might start to wake up."

"You called the local police?"

"Yes. ETA is in 20."

The younger man follows in a daze and it's when they're miles away from the scene he asks. "Are you okay?"

Steve answers with a question of his own. "Why?"

"It didn't seem right that you should suffer for that as well." He answers gently.

The younger man sags at hearing the words before whispering. "Thank you."

The words are simple but carry with them a wealth of meaning beyond the fact that he's there to offer his help. Because one thing that not many people know about Steve is that despite his seeming gruffness and almost mechanical way of going after the bad guys is that he would never take the life of someone who is unarmed or unable to defend themselves (no matter what that someone's crime was), if he had a choice. It's that proverbial line in the sand that he's drawn and tries his hardest not to cross. Of course he's had to shoot to kill people before, it's impossible to be a Navy SEAL (and a heavily decorated one at that) without having to do so, but always, always in the line of duty. As a military man himself, he knows the importance of having to set your own boundaries because God knows, soldiers have to carry enough burden in their souls as it is without having to add cold blooded execution to the list.

It is precisely why when he'd caught Wo Fat that first time, he never put a bullet through him. And it's the same reason why Hesse made it to prison despite his takedown occurring miles away from civilization with no other witness but…

Joe is grateful for the fact that he's able to do this one thing for the man he'd long ago considered as a son. Because when he saw him earlier he knew that Steve would have pulled the trigger…and that would have been a tragedy far greater than the one they're already in the middle of.

"I'm so sorry, son." He looks at Steve in sympathy. "I know you were hoping…"

And it is when the younger man turns to look at him that he sees it in his eyes. The almost overwhelming pain that comes from knowing that the one person who matters most to you in the whole world is really, truly…

"Gone. She's really gone…"

And it's as though saying the words out loud is like a physical weapon that fells and brings Steve to his knees. The pain that radiates off him is almost palpable.

So he kneels next to him and puts a hand on his shoulder, knowing how inadequate the gesture is.

And it is a testament to how much the younger man is suffering that for the first time in all the years they've known each other, he actually turns to him and starts sobbing like a child.

And it's all he could do not to go back and shoot that bastard Wo Fat all over again.

* * *

It is a fine sunny day when Steve finally comes to see her again.

She opens the door and sees him standing and looking at her so solemnly she immediately knows what he's going to say.

She feels herself trembling but manages to hold on and make herself walk back into her living room and sit serenely on the sofa.

He follows her quietly and when they're facing each other, he takes both of her hands in his and looks her in the eye.

"I'm so sorry…" His voice comes out hoarsely and the realization that she's been holding at bay since that fateful day hits her all of a sudden and the tears she'd long fought shedding finally fills her eyes and spill over.

* * *

His heart breaks all over again when he sees how this woman of indomitable spirit… the mother he never got to claim by law but managed to gain anyway…starts weeping without a sound.

And it breaks free once again - all the pain and the longing and the sadness that comes with knowing that the one person who brought them together is really, truly gone.

He moves to kneel before her and tries to make himself say it. Just to make it more real somehow. "She's…" But he can't continue and can only manage to lay his head on her lap, just like he had long ago when he'd come to her daughter begging for forgiveness.

And just like Kono had done, her (his) mother also whispers to him soothingly. "Shh….it's okay…"

"I'm so sorry…" He repeats the words because he can't say it enough.

"Listen to me, Steve." She cups his chin and makes him look at her gently. "It's not your fault."

"But…"

"It's not and I do not blame you. No one does." She admonishes him while smoothing the hair back from his forehead and gently wiping his tears. "She loved you very much and made her happy. And so I am happy because now I have you for a son."

The words are like daggers of fire piercing through the coldness that is surrounding his heart and he wants to say thank you for her kind words and understanding but he is too choked up.

"It is okay. Everything will be okay…"

And because there is both strength and certainty in her voice, somehow, he starts to believe it as well.

* * *

"I will be back." Steve promises them.

"Do you really need to do this again?" Danny asks for the nth time since he made his intentions known to his two friends.

Steve nods. "I just need some time to…"

"Take all the time you need Brah." Chin tells him gently.

"Hey! Don't go telling him that. He'll probably take you seriously and get it into his head to _**really**_ take his time and decide to come back when we're all already old and decrepit."

"I knew you'd understand." Steve teases back, perfectly aware that it's just Danny's way of lightening the mood.

"Have you told Auntie?" He asks.

The younger man nods. "I promised her I'd be back and that I would call."

"That's good." He is relieved that Steve makes that promise to his aunt as it gives him hope that Steve really does mean to come back. For all his faults, Steve has never been one to renege on a promise…more so one given to the woman who now considers him a son.

"Listen…I'm sorry about leaving you both shorthanded again…what with Catherine also…"

"What did we just tell you about taking credit for everything?" Danny rolls his eyes dramatically.

"Still…"

"Steve, she said she missed the Navy." Chin tells him.

He looks like he is about to say something but must have thought better and remains silent instead.

* * *

_"You don't have to leave you know." She told him when she found out about his plans to leave again._

_He just looked at her without saying anything._

"_I know things have been uncomfortable between us and so I've already tendered my resignation to the Governor."_

"_You didn't have to do that." He told her, trying not to let his impatience show._

"_Are you ever gonna forgive me?"_

_All at once, he felt his anger rise. "This isn't about you." _

_She ignored what he said and continued. "I missed the Navy work anyway."_

"_Catherine listen to me. Really listen. I am NOT leaving because of you."_

"_Then why?" She snapped. "WoFat's dead! You can stay here and rejoin the team."_

"_I can't."_

"_Can't or won't?"_

"_Won't." _

"_But…"_

"_I am barely hanging on as it is. And the way I feel right now, I will only get someone killed. So yes, I won't stay and join the team again!"_

"_And you think leaving will make things alright again?"_

"_I need to learn how to breathe again without her."_

"_What the hell does that even mean?" _

"_It means that I f*cking loved her so much that I can't imagine living without her anymore!"_

"_Steve…"_

"_F*ck! I'm not gonna kill myself if that's what you're worried about."_

"_Then why…"_

"_I don't owe you any explanations so just…leave." He cut her off. He knew it was a low blow but he was too tired of having to explain to people why he had to do what he had to._

"_I understand." Her voice came out hoarsely._

_In another lifetime, he would have taken her in his arms in comfort if nothing else, but too much had happened and he just didn't have it in him anymore._

* * *

"So this is it." Chin says as they stand in front of the airport together.

"Yeah, I guess it is" He answers the older man before turning to Danny. "Thanks for dropping me off."

But the blonde detective just keeps uncharacteristically quiet.

"Are those tears Danno?" He jokes to dispel the gloom.

"Ha. Ha. Funny, Steven." The blonde detective finally talks in annoyance.

"Take care of yourself, Brah." Chin nods his head at him.

He gives a nod back to both in return before turning to walk towards the airport entrance.

* * *

The plane is already on air when he finally gives into the urge to take her picture out if his wallet. He traces her face with a finger gently. It is the only thing of her that he's taken with him….

* * *

"_You're going to save me if I like…you know, tip over and fall in right?" Danny asked nervously as he sat atop the surfboard and tried to balance himself with both Chin and Steve by his side. The three of them are a little ways off the shore and were floating astride their respective surfboards. _

_Chin laughed at this. "You'll float anyway."_

"_Gee thanks." The blonde said sarcastically. _

_Steve waited for the two to settle down before he cleared his throat and said solemnly. "Thank you both for doing this with me."_

_Chin looked at the man by his side and answered in an equally serious voice. "No. It is I who should be thanking you. Mahalo, Steve. It never seemed right that we didn't get to do this…"_

_Steve nodded. "I'm so sorry it's taken this long…"_

_Chin cut him off. "Everything in its own time brah…she would have understood." _

"_Yeah…she damned right would. Besides, I needed the time to learn how to do this first…" Danny joked to lighten the mood, even though a lump had formed in his throat. _

_The two men laughed at this._

_Although there had already been a service for her, he hadn't really had a chance to say goodbye then. He hadn't been ready. _

_He still wasn't ready, truth be told, but he knew that he should. It's what she would have wanted. A part of him wanted to hold on her ashes but he knew it was selfish. Because long before he came into her life, she had had a love affair with the ocean. She loved the sea and the sea loved her. Among the waves she'd been free._

_And so now…it was time to bring her home._

_The three men faced each other solemnly as they each offered their own silent prayer for the woman who'd been a cousin, a friend and a lover, before Steve finally took a deep breath and opened the urn. His arms shook a little as he prepared to pour its contents onto the sea and when Chin and Danny saw it, they each held on to each of his arms lightly in support. _

_And as the stream of ash slowly fell and swirled onto the rolling waters, he whispered softly._

"_Aloha 'oe, Ku `u Lei. A hui hou."*_

* * *

He allows himself a soft goodnight to her image before he puts the picture back to its hiding place.

And then he reclines his seat and wills himself to fall asleep as closes his eyes.

* * *

Somewhere in Hawaii, eyes that have remained shut and unmoving for six long months finally start to flicker and then open.

* * *

_*Farewell my beloved. Until we meet again. (Not sure if this is a proper translation but I hope it is)._

* * *

**AN: **So yeah…as you can probably tell, mu muses for this fic has me in its grip right now and won't let me be, hence this update. I've taken some liberties with Steve's character here (i.e. as told through Joe's POV) so if there were actually instances in the series (which I might not have watched – i.e. the Lori period – or remembered) then I most humbly beg your indulgence. Also, since this is how the chapter ended, then I think it will be two more installments left (instead of one). Hope you all hang in there anyway.

Guest – Well, here's more zigging I guess. LOL.

Nacimynom – The mystery shooter is revealed. Hope you weren't disappointed.

Christinaxa – Sorry it wasn't Kono…Glad you enjoyed the action sequence though as well as the bathroom scene

MeMii – I'm so sorry for breaking your heart. I hope you continue to read anyway

Robinh – Yeah, I couldn't make him shoot WF in cold blood too so Joe was it. LOL. Does this chapter turn things upside down again?

TvFanatic97 – Yes, I think Joe considers Steve as a son too and would have wanted to spare him more pain in the end

Guest 2 – Well, there's a couple of chapters left so let's see what my muses come up with

Harleyzgirl – thanks for taking time to leave a review for each chapter you missed. I really appreciate it. Sorry it wasn't Kono – although in truth, I had considered making her be the shooter…alas, mymuses had other ideas….sorry =(

Rebecca List – Well…

Lydia – I'm trying to keep positive re: canon K/S (for friendly interaction at least) but will likely watch only after I see some tumblr images indicating so LOL.

KoVe Lover – Well, Joe is the shooter…

Nisha bienaj – Here's another update. Hope you like it.

Fan from France – Ending for this is still being written as we speak so hang in there

MitchieRae – Sorry to dash your hope that it was Kono who did the deed…I hope you enjoy this chapter anyway

Francis2 – Good for me then that this story is still ongoing…but not for long though so maybe I should start packing LOL

Fairgirl – Yikes! So sorry but it was Joe …


	24. Don't Wake Me

**Chapter 24. Don't Wake Me**

**AN : **Everything you recognize from H50, I do not own. Unbeta'ed so all mistakes are mine.

* * *

_When I see You in my dreams at night_

_It's so real but it's in my mind_

_And now I guess this is as good as it gets_

_Don't wake me 'cause I don't wanna leave this dream_

_Don't wake me 'cause I never seem to stay asleep enough_

_When it's you I'm dreaming of I don't wanna wake up_

_- Don't Wake Me, Skillet_

* * *

**Two months later.**

He tells no one of his return.

He just goes home directly hoping to avoid questions until he's ready to face everyone again. Because much as he'd like to say that his travels have somehow helped ease the pain and loneliness he feels, he'd be lying. So he keeps a low profile and hopes to be able to lick his wounds in the privacy of his home.

The sun has just set by the time he gets to his house. Not wanting to alert his neighbors (not that they're close by anyway), he doesn't bother turning the lights on and instead navigates his way to his bedroom by memory. He drops his bag inside the closet and goes to the bathroom to rid himself of the grime of travel.

It takes him exactly ten minutes to shower and brush his teeth. He makes his way towards his bed, not bothering with clothing or underwear. He considers changing his sheets first but he's way too tired and when he doesn't start sneezing from the dust when he slides under the covers, he figures it's all good.

He's asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

* * *

She makes her way back to the house after her evening swim. She's taken to heading straight to the ocean after work since she'd been back, both to relax as well as to get her body tired enough to enable sleeping at a reasonable hour. Because if she's not exhausted by the time she hits the bed, she finds herself unable to sleep from thinking about him too much…

Missing him…

Worrying about him…

If only she had woken up from her coma sooner …

* * *

"_You're awake!" A voice penetrated the haze surrounding her as she tried to make sense of the surroundings. The white walls and the monitor beeping next to her tell her that she was in a hospital and after focusing she realized that the owner of the voice was a nurse._

_She tried to speak but her throat and mouth were way too dry to make it possible so she moved to sit up and gasped when her muscles refused to obey her mind's command. _

"_Try to relax…I'm just going to check your vitals while we wait for the doctor, okay dear?" The elderly nurse's voice was soothing and so she obeyed. After several minutes of poking and prodding, the nurse offered her a cup full of ice chips. "Here…try to moisten your lips with these. Can you lift your arms?"_

_She moved to follow and sighed in relief when this time, her limbs obeyed. She picked up an ice chip and put it in her mouth. She almost moaned as coolness hit her tongue and the rapidly melting ice brought moisture to her throat. She must have been really out of it for her limbs to be as weak as they were. _

_She was about to close her eyes again when she suddenly remembered. Wo Fat!_

_Her panic increased when the monitor picked up her elevated heart rate and started beeping like crazy. She frantically tried to pull the wires off her as she forced herself to get up and off the bed. _

_It took a moment for the nurse to react to her sudden action and it was only the weakness in her limbs that enabled the older woman to catch up to her before she reached the door._

"_What are you doing? Get back to bed…"_

"_No…I have to...is he out there?" She was finally able to make her throat work as she tried to fight her captor, cursing inwardly when she realized that the older woman was a lot stronger than she looked._

"_Take it easy…no one's gonna hurt you…" The nurse told her soothingly while she gently but forcefully pulled her back towards the bed. _

"_You don't understand…" she tried to explain and fought her way back to the door but she was so weak. "Did he bring me here? You need to let me go before he comes back…"_

"_Nobody's coming … I promise…just…please come back to bed…"_

"_I…" She looked at the nurse trying to figure out if she was telling the truth. "Who brought me here?"_

_The nurse looked at her worriedly. "I'll tell you all about it just…please… you're as pale as a ghost…I promise, no one's gonna hurt you…"_

_She must have still looked agitated because the nurse asked. "Is there someone we can call? Someone you trust?" _

_She willed herself to relax and allowed herself to be led back to bed before whispering. "Steve. Steve McGarrett of H50."_

* * *

She shakes off the memory as she makes her way to the bathroom, not bothering with the lights. She strips quickly and gets into the shower to wash the salt off of her body. She sets the water as hot as she can stand because her muscles are still getting used to physical workouts again after months of inactivity. She leans forward and rests her forearms on the wall and closes her eyes in bliss as the water soothes her tired and aching body.

* * *

He's not quite sure what it is that wakes him up so he doesn't make any sudden moves and instead tries to see through the darkness.

And then he hears it.

The shower is running in the bathroom but the lights aren't on. He could have sworn he'd shut the water off earlier but maybe he'd forgotten? He sits up and gets off the bed to make his way to the bathroom when he hears another sound.

A sigh.

_F*ck! _

He doesn't bother with clothes and instead goes for his gun and slowly makes his way to the bathroom with only the light of the moon filtering through his open bedroom window guiding him. He slowly cocks the gun in his hand and points it at the silhouette he can make out through the frosted glass of the cubicle wall.

But before he could call out, the shower door opens and she steps out.

He freezes just as she gasps when her eyes met his.

Neither move.

He thinks maybe it has finally happened. He's finally gone ahead and went crazy. Because that's the only explanation for what he's seeing.

That or maybe he's still asleep and this is just a dream. He's done that a lot after all. Dream about her.

Still, even if this is a dream or a hallucination, he figures he might be okay with it. Because he's missed her and she's here and she's looking at him with the same emotion reflected in her eyes. And so he just stares at her until his eyes start to water because he doesn't want to blink for fear that she won't be there when he opens his eyes again.

He wants to call out her name but he's afraid that if he does, this carefully constructed illusion his mind seems to have fabricated in his sleep might suddenly crumble. So he bites back the sound that wants so badly to escape his lips…

But then she speaks.

"Steve."

And he's damned because his vivid dreaming manages to get the sound of her voice right. And even the way his name sounds on her lips is right.

And he knows he's so f*cked up because he's starting to believe that this is actually real. That it's really her standing in front of him.

Everything in him yearns to reach out and touch her. But he's terrified that if he does, all he'll encounter is mist. And then he'll know for sure that this is really just part of his hallucination. So he doesn't make a move. Not even when she starts making her way towards him.

And then he's not only seeing her hands reach out to take the gun out of his hands and place it on the bathroom counter, he also feels it as well. eels her fingertips as they brush across his palm. Her soft skin as she gently places both of his hands on her hips.

Her familiar scent wafts through his nose and he wants to breathe her in like some addict in need of a fix. But he's too scared that if he lets out his breath he might never get to smell her again

But when she rises on her toes and takes him in her arms and starts to kiss him, his control shatters and he finds himself throwing caution to the winds and thinking that if this whole elaborate hallucination means that he's really gone mental then he'll happily stay in this imaginary world if that meant he can be here with her.

He thinks about moving them towards the bed but that would take too much time and so he just backs her into the bathroom counter.

She hisses as her skin meets the cold tiles but doesn't let go, so he slides his hands from her hips to the back of her thighs and lifts her onto the counter. And then she opens her legs so he moves to stand between them and he's glad that he hadn't bothered with clothes earlier because the contact of their bare skins feels way too good and all too real.

And it gets too damned hot too damned fast that he doesn't think he can even wait till she gets there too. Because it's been way too long since he'd felt her in his arms that he's almost already too far gone to bother with foreplay. And he thanks the heavens because she's as frantic as he is.

He groans aloud at the feel of her hands there where he's hard and aching and he can only bite that space between her neck and her shoulders as the urge to thrust into her overwhelms him. He fights for control and wins…barely…just enough to step away from her...

But only so he can trace his fingers right there where she is both hot and wet and eager for him...

And then he is sliding his fingers inside her and working her until she's gasping for breath and sweating against the mirror behind her.

She looks so beautifully bare and open with her eyes blissfully closed and biting her lips in ecstasy that it brings him to his knees. And the sight and smell of her pleasure further triggers that need inside him to devour and consume all that she has to offer.

He hears her whimper when he lifts her legs onto his shoulders and the keening sound she makes when he finally plunges in to partake of her bounty makes him want to pleasure her even harder. Her unique flavor coats his tongue and it's so heady and wonderful that he can't get enough and so he sweeps and laps across her swells and crevices and takes in everything that she has to offer.

He doesn't stop until she's all limp and breathless from being so thoroughly devoured but he's not done yet.

Not by a long shot.

He stands up and pulls her against him, left hand supporting her back as his right hand guides her left leg around his hips and then he is driving into her in one forceful thrust. He's prepared her so well that he's able to slide in easily and they both swallow each other's cries of pleasure when he kisses her deeply. He lets her taste herself on his tongue as ravishes her mouth even as his hips conquer hers.

It's fast and furious and hard and pounding and wet and so unbelievably good he prays that it never ends and that he never ever wakes up from this dream. And when the inevitable explosion comes, he nearly blacks out and only manages to hold on to his consciousness through sheer force of will.

And then he's lifting her again and walking to the bedroom and sliding them both under the covers. He takes a moment to wonder at the vividness of this particular hallucination before he finally succumbs to sheer exhaustion.

* * *

She wakes up to the feel of steel arms around her and the pleasurable ache of muscles that have been thoroughly worked out. She moistens her lips with her tongue as she takes in his sleeping form next to her.

She wants to touch and wake him up just so she can assure herself that he's really here and that he's come back to her all safe and warm and whole.

* * *

"_Chin! Danny!" She cried out in relief when she saw her cousin enter her room._

"_Oh God! It really is you!" Her cousin's voice came out choked as he reached out to take her into his arms. _

_She was hugged tightly by the older man before she was passed unceremoniously to their blonde teammate. _

"_God Kono!" Danny muttered. "I can't believe you're really here. How are you feeling? Are you okay?" His questions ran one after the other as she was engulfed once again in another bear hug by Chin._

_She started to laugh but then noted the misty eyes of the two men before her. "Hey! Take it easy you two. You looked like I just came back from the dead." She teased. _

_They looked at each other quickly before Chin answered gently. "Kono…you were gone for six months…"_

"_What?" She asked in disbelief. She had refused to talk to the nurse and doctors until after they called H50 and finally left her to her own devices when she promised not to run so she hadn't had the chance to ask why she ended up where she did._

"_We thought you were dead…"_

"_But…didn't you look for me?" She was confused. Six months? How can that be? _

"_The signal from your phone was pinpointed to the warehouse that exploded. And because the site was razed to the ground…finding remains for DNA testing was next to impossible." Danny explained. _

_"But..."_

_"And when your engagement ring was found by investigators…"_

"_And Steve? Where is he?" She asked, not quite understanding why he wasn't there. _

_Although seeing both her cousin and Danny had been such a relief, she wanted him. After all, it was Steve she had asked for. So how come he wasn't with them?_

"_He…he didn't believe you were dead at first. So he went after Wo Fat thinking that the bastard was still holding you captive. He was gone for five months."_

_"So he's still out there?" Her brows furrowed in confusion. _"_Is he…" She started to ask, fear evident in her voice. "Did WoFat…"_

"_Wo Fat is dead."_

_The relief she felt at hearing the words was almost overwhelming. "Steve?"_

"_It was him who told us that Wo Fat is dead. Joe backed him up."_

_"So where is he?" She was starting to panic at the lack of answer she was getting about Steve's whereabouts._

_But Danny ignored the question once again. "When he came back…he'd somehow already accepted that you were gone…"_

"_Oh…" She mumbled. So if he was alive then that must mean…"Is he…" Somehow, she couldn't make herself ask if the reason that Steve wasn't with them was because he had already moved on and gotten back with Catherine, after all the other girl was also not with them._

"_After he'd seen Auntie and we had made our goodbyes to you…he left."_

"_With her?" The question was torn out of her._

"_With her?" Danny started to ask before he realized what she meant. "Catherine? No!" Danny answered forcefully. "She'd resigned shortly after Steve had come back."_

_Chin continued. "She said she missed the Navy and went back to get re-commissioned. Steve left a week after she'd gone."_

"_I see…" But she really didn't. Everything was a jumbled mess in her mind. "Did he say when he'd be back?" _

_Her cousin shook his head. "He called last month to say he was safe but we hadn't heard from him since."_

* * *

The dark circles she sees under his eyes and his obvious loss of weight prevents her from disturbing his sleep.

A part of her hadn't really believed Danny and Chin and her mother when they'd told her how her loss had affected him but looking at him now, she realizes that it's true.

* * *

"_He'll be back…" Her mother assured her when everyone else had all finally left her room after the doctor had explained to her and her teammates about her coma and why no one had been able to contact any of them about her whereabouts. The fact that they had all thought her dead meant that there had been no missing persons report filed. That, coupled with the fact that she had been found unconscious some distance away from the warehouse (and without any other signs of injury except the bloody gash on her head) meant no one had connected her to the explosion as well._

_She looked at her mom in surprise. "How did you know I was thinking about him?"_

"_A mother always knows." _

"_I'm so sorry for putting all of you through this." She apologized as she took the older woman's hands in hers._

"_It wasn't your fault."_

"_Do you blame Steve?" She asked quietly, not quite sure about the extent of her mother's knowledge of the circumstances surrounding her second abduction but aware of how her mother had felt the first time she'd been taken._

_Her mother shook her head and started stroking her hair. "I wanted to because it was like that first time all over again. But when I saw him...I couldn't. And I told him the same thing."_

"_You talked?" She asked._

"_Of course…"_

"_I…he…did he…" She wasn't quite sure what she wanted to ask._

_But it seemed her mother knew anyway. "Did you know that we both didn't go to your memorial service?"_

_She shook her head. "Why not?"_

"_Because we both believed you were still alive."_

_She sat up at this. "Even with the ring?"_

"_Even then. __And when he made a promise to me to never stop looking for you..."_

"_Ma…" She whispered. _

"_I made him promise to always let me know that he was okay because I knew, you wouldn't have wanted anything to happen to him."_

"_You were worried about him…" The revelation came to her when she heard her mother's voice._

_The older woman nodded. "The first call he made to me was all about his efforts to find Wo Fat. But in truth, I had no desire to hear about that odious man. So I asked him if he was eating and sleeping properly."_

_She smiled. "That must have surprised him."_

"_It did. But he got over that quickly." Her mother laughed at this. "Whatever reservations I had about you marrying him...they disappeared when I saw just how much he loved you...how much he was willing to do anything to bring you back to me again."_

"_Thank you." She squeezed her mother's hands as she said this, knowing how much it would have meant to Steve. She was glad that they had each other while she was gone._

"_When he came back…I knew he'd found him…" The older woman's voice broke at this._

"_Ma.." _

"_He looked so broken and lost and I knew…"_

"_Ma…" She tried again._

"_I knew he had started to believe that you were really gone…"_

* * *

And now…now he's here. And there's so much she needs to ask and say to him.

But he needs his rest.

And so she just gently runs her fingers through his hair and lets him sleep.

* * *

He fights the urge to reach out next to him when he wakes up because he knows that just like every day for the last couple of months, his hands would only encounter empty space.

Still, he turns and opens his eyes slowly on the off chance that this is still part of his dream and that he'll see her next to him.

But just like always, she's not there and the pain hits him anew.

He wonders if there will ever come a time when he won't reach nor look for her every time he wakes up. But then finds that such a prospect actually makes him hurt a little bit more.

So he closes his eyes again hoping to recapture the dream from last night…

Only… it doesn't come.

He tells himself to get a grip because much as he wants to, he knows that she wouldn't have wanted him to wallow in this in-between state of existence of wanting to let her go but needing to keep her memory alive at the same time.

"Steve…"

He freezes at the sound of his name from behind him, not quite sure if he's heard right.

"Are you awake?"

He turns and slowly opens his eyes, expecting her not to be there but really hoping that he hadn't actually woken up yet and that this is really a continuation of his dream.

"Is it really you?" He asks as he slowly sits up on the bed.

* * *

She can't answer. She's took choked up.

So she just nods and makes her way back towards him quickly and then she's straddling him and wrapping her arms around him and hugging him as tightly as she can, never wanting to let him go again.

He clings to her just as tightly before he pulls away and looks at her with a look of wonder in his eyes. And then he's running his hands all over her as though reassuring himself that she's really there.

"I'm here…" She whispers to him as she cups her hands around his cheeks and makes him look at her.

"Kono…"

And her heart shatters a little when his voice breaks at saying her name.

"I'm here, Steve… I'm back…"

* * *

He wonders if maybe this isn't really a dream because she feels so real in his arms.

But he's been through this before.

He's been through times when he sees her and he has to tell himself that it's not real and that he's only dreaming. Times when he tries to resist the pull she has on him because he knows he's only fooling himself. Times when she'd start making love to him and he begins to believe it but then opens his eyes and find that she's no longer there.

So he closes his eyes again and wills himself to wake up. Because buying into all of this and then realizing that none of it is real is just too painful.

But when he opens his eyes, she's still in front of him…wrapped around him. Surrounding him with her heat…her scent...

"Are you real?" The question is torn out of him against his will.

She looks at him with tears in her eyes and she nods.

"I'm real…I'm here." She tells him again.

And then she is kissing him.

Warming him up…

Thawing his long frozen insides…

Giving him air…

So he could breathe again.

* * *

If last night was all about him taking and giving and losing himself in her…this time is all about her.

She drops kisses from his lips…

to the tip of his nose…

each eyelid…

his forehead…

each cheek…

his chin…

his neck…

that space between his collarbone and his shoulder…

And she balances herself on her hands and knees so all that he feels of her are her lips as she nibbles her way towards his chest…

his tummy…

She revels in the way his muscles tense as her lips find their way to his abdomen…

Lower…

And lower still...

She relishes the way one of his hands slide across her back and make its way to the back of her head as her tongue skirts around where he is hard and hot and aching…

She delights in the way his breath hisses as she licks…and laves…and savors all that he is…

She moans at the way he tastes on her tongue…

And she wants more...

By the time he hits the back of her throat she can hear him panting and begging aloud to touch her…

And then she's rising up and enclosing his hips between her legs and she's sliding down and taking him in where she's all wet and warm and needy and it feels so damned good they both groan in relief at the contact…

She sets the pace…and he lets her…

And it starts out rough and frantic and fiery because it's everything they've missed and needed and wanted for what seemed like forever.

But when she moves to press her chest against his and she fuses her mouth onto his lips…

It morphs into a slow and gentle ride and glide and slide…

Even as their hearts race…

And their pulses pound…

And their vision dims…

* * *

And when they are finally spent and sated and complete...

They sleep and dream…safe in each other's arms.

* * *

**AN: **So this one started out in my head as an angst-filled (on his side anyway) reunion with lots of questions from him about where she's been and why it's taken her so long to come back to him but somehow morphed in the writing into a hefty serving of lemonade instead. *sigh* I wanted to have one long scene where her long absence is explained but it just wouldn't come together and I couldn't make it work (mostly because I had a hard time making Steve believe that she's actually real LOL) …so that's why you only get parts of this in this chapter. Still, I hope that what did end up being included here does not leave any of you confused. (On a side note…I also hope that the lemony bits here aren't too much cause I really don't want this fic to suddenly get deleted by TPTB for being too risqué).

At any rate, I'd probably get into the full explanation for how she ended up where she did in the next chapter – I say probably because it would depend on how Steve feels by the next chapter (if it sounds crazy that Steve here has a mind of his own that is completely independent of my ideas for him well…it's probably because it is – crazy I mean. LOL). Anyway, as I said before, the next chapter would be the last one before I put this baby to bed so I hope you all still hang in there whether or not you liked how this reunion turned out.

Robinh – You're welcome about Catherine…I also really didn't want her anywhere near the ending of this story. I had considered actually ending this fic as angsty as I had started it (i.e. without the reunion) but I just couldn't do it

TvFanatic97 – Glad you're okay with Joe being the one to pull the trigger…I had actually considered having either Steve or Kono do the deed but I found myself unable to do it…even though a part of me felt that either of them doing it would be justifiable.

Nacimynom – It had been five months since Kono's funeral service (which was held about a week after the explosion) when Steve/Joe finally tracked WF. Steve was back in Hawaii for a couple of weeks after WF's death before he left again to try to forget.

KoVeLover – Yes, the one who opened her eyes in the last line is Kono.

Harleyzgirl – Sorry for the lack of tissue alert on the last chapter. As for the cliffie, well I hope this one makes up for that (since this one ends w/o one)

Lydia – Thanks…I kind of like that you think I'm an evil puppet master for some reason LOL. As for putting Steve through the wringer…I don't know but I kind of see him as the type who doesn't really fall in love easily (given his seeming inability to maintain close ties with the only family he has left and his fractured relationship with his father prior to the old man's death – though I'm not sure about the mom cause I haven't watched the latest episodes) and that once he does, then it's the forever kind that would leave him feeling lost and bereft and a hot mess if he ever lost it

Francis2 – Glad you liked the last chapter

Bushy4 – Thanks for leaving feedback and I'm glad you liked the last three chapters as well

AlohaGirl – Happy to know that you're still reading this. Let me know what you think of this chapter as well.

MeMii – Yes, this fic is not quite a fairytale but I do hope that the twists and turns I took you with this was well worth the read

Titaundomiel – Thanks!

Christinaxa – Yes, Catherine IS finally gone! Hope you like this update as much as you liked the others

Tanya2byour21 – Oh…sorry for making you cry =( I do hope however that you still continue to read despite how the last chapter turned out

Rain – Hope is good right? LOL. Anyway, this chapter I think isn't so heartbreaking…

Fairgirl – You're welcome. Glad you thought Steve's characterization is still believable

Shani8- As Jon Bon Jovi once sang, "Keep the faith…" LOL. Hope this chapter makes up for the last few ones.

And to my other readers, do drop me a line when you can and I hope you continue to read till the end. Until next time!


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